Author Topic: Poetry  (Read 77 times)

Offline Cari

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Poetry
« on: September 14, 2020, 11:05:30 AM »
Florentine Dreams.

I watch her cross the Ponte Vespucci
Eight o'clock by the bell towers chime
A moving vision against the sunset
Crush the cigarette, order the wine
~
Versace dress swings on rhythm thighs
The stepping beat of Prada shoes
Pulled these male approving eyes
Inviting lust, I seek to excuse
~
Lovers die in the flame of beauty
Florentine lady, bewitching, unkind
Laughing at my hopeful daydreams
Leaving me broken, trailing behind
[/i]

Offline Akemp

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2020, 02:37:24 AM »
Hello Cari,

So here's my first gut reaction to the piece, it's quite beautiful and lyrical as well. I particularly loved the romanticism of the entire piece. It really added to making the brief poem read at a smooth pace. I know ordinarily I'm suppose to offer some sort of critique to improve the poem, but I really don't have anything.

Overall, I think you have a wonderful poem. I hope this helps.

Offline Idioume

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Re: Poetry
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2020, 08:41:04 AM »
This is good. It feels like vignettes put together of separate moments which makes a whole. The last line is powerful, but I am unsure of the overall feeling I am supposed to come out with, and what the poem seeks to capture exactly. What are the central themes and ideas, I mean. Perhaps I am missing something, do the words serve to capture the moments where the narrator feels good?