Author Topic: Co:ExisT ( Chapter-01)  (Read 119 times)

Offline Yet EU

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Co:ExisT ( Chapter-01)
« on: July 26, 2020, 07:29:26 AM »

Cheerful laughter filled the atmosphere. There was a crowd of over a hundred people; each with unique clothes and looks. A man entered that magnificent room- filled with decorations- and walked toward the center. His name was John and he was the heart of the party. It wasn’t easy for John to navigate within the ballroom, as it was too crowded despite the room being so large. As he reached the center stage, the intensity of sound became louder.
It was a party in a ballroom of a country ruled by beings who were not humans. However, humans were present there as many other races. Even kings were there. That particular party was to celebrate John’s great accomplishments as he was that world’s savior.
“I heard he’s going back,” A man with long pointy ears said in an elegant voice.
“We don’t know that yet,” A man said from behind.
“Both of you quiet down. I think he’s going to say something…” A man with horns said.
With the idle chatter escalating John tried to quiet everyone down. He was not much of a public speaker. “Why did it have to be so many people? Damn you Cicil, you always find the weirdest ways to make me feel paranoid,” John thought.
“Welcome everyone. It’s been almost two years since I first came to this world. Today is a day for celebration but I also have an important announcement,”
Before John could say anything else, he was approached by a beautiful human lady clad in a bright pink dress that was overflowing on the shiny marble floor.
“Before anything else, we must first congratulate you, John. You have saved us again and again. It would be a shame to not grant you the glory you deserve,” Said the lady in a polished tone.
Wow! She still lacks proper humor huh?” John thought.
“You honor me, princess Lia…” John said bending his knees on the floor.
 “Is it true that you plan to return home today?”
Where the hell did you learn that from?”
“Ye-yes,”
The room became silent. The joy from the air vanished. The balsamic scent in the air became stagnant. However, some part of them knew that this was coming and John would return home one day. 
John was not from that world. The place John was from is called earth. There were no mythical beings or magic on earth. Rather earth had sophisticated technology instead.
“Will you really leave John?” The princess said as she appeared sad.
“You of all people should know that I must,”
“I know that, but…”
In the meantime, a man clad in dark approached the duo. He was fully covered in a mist over his clothes. He was none other than one of John’s best friends and a partner in John's naughty businesses.
“Don’t worry mate, I’ll take care of the ladies for ya.” The man in black exclaimed with a perverse tone while patting John on the back.
Behind that man were four more distinct people. They were different from the rest of the guests; they were John’s companions and friends.
“I think they’d neuter you soon if you keep that up, Mirage. We all know how many times you’ve been caught visiting the women’s bath!” John immediately replied.
“Wouldn’t that be you? Besides, I don’t think anyone has the balls to do that,” Mirage confidently said.
"Sometimes really feel like
punching this guy, " John thought.
“I don’t have balls but I’m pretty sure I can crush yours,” A young voice protested. She had tanned skin and a fine physique.
“Please honey, don’t say that. I’ll get nightmares,” Mirage with a nervous tone replied.
People there laughed. The tension in the air was somewhat lifted but princess Lia stayed quite. She couldn’t say anything.
“I think I’ll miss you, John, but definitely not enough to sob,” said one of the four. She had ashen skin and two distinctive horns. She was a demon.
 You got that right. Who would miss that closet pervert, John?” Said young girl who was yet again another one of John’s comrades. She was the youngest in the group and had silver hair and silver-colored eyes.
“My point exactly,”
“Oh come on! At least let me set off with a smile.” John replied unwillingly.
“I am smiling you know. Hahaha”
“I wouldn’t call that laughter!
“You definitely deserve that one, John. However I think you’re more of an open pervert than a closet one or more likely an idiot,” Answered, a good looking young man, and apart from John, he was the only human in the group. He had quite a muscular build. Although young; he was actually a bit older than John.
Aren’t both those terms just as bad?” John stared at the man with a dull look.
The situation was getting awkward. But at that time a glowing circle appeared out of thin air. People made space around that circle. a beautiful woman emerged from there. She had two elegant long ears and a robe worthy of being worn, by empresses. Yes, she was an elf.
“It is good to see you again, John. I trust you have already said your farewells?”
“It is always a pleasure to meet you, your Excellency. In fact, you wouldn’t believe how happy I am!” John said as he was smiling, but while looking at her bosom.
“I totally agree,” Mirage replied while doing the same thing.
“Both of you idiots shut up!” the young girl exclaimed with intent.
 “HHahaha. Yes, your excellency, I am ready,”
“Very well. Make way for the mages,”
It was already crowded yet some more people came inside. However, nobody seemed to be concerned about it. These people began to say words in unison and beneath John’s feet, a glowing circle appeared. John started to bid his goodbyes.
“You shall always be our friend John,” A man said. He was an elf.
“Please take care of yourself,” Another man said. He was shorter and fatter than the rest.
“You have freed us from despair and have given us a place and purpose in this world. We shall be forever in your debt John,” A demon said.
“You have our deepest gratitude, John. You have not only given us a place in society but also have granted us sovereignty,” A human with goat ears said with great passion.
“Thank you, everyone. It was a roller coaster of a ride for me. But I really am grateful to have been here. Thank you, my friends, and everyone here. Alas! It is time for me to head home,” John said and at the same time, he thought, “And for those who didn’t make it; thank you as well. I’ll forever remember you guys in my heart. Sigh*”
Finally, Lia spoke; she had to.
“I’ll forever remember you, John… Please don’t forget about me.”
“I could never forget you, Lia,” With a soft voice, John replied.
“I still don’t understand what a roller coaster is!” John’s demon companion exclaimed.
“Don’t chase girls all the time, okay? “ Said the young girl.
“I don’t think that’s possible for him.”
“Yeah, it would be impossible for him.” Said the muscular man.
“I don’t see any problem with that. “ Mirage supported John.
“That’s because you’re an idiot.”

Everybody started to bid farewell to John. Some were crying, some were forcing a smile; however, all of them were truly grateful to him.
“Farewell John…” Lia said as tears streamed down her face.
Surprised as he was, John didn’t say anything. As John’s body started to disperse everyone started praying for his safe journey.
I’m sorry to make this a silent goodbye but saying something now would only deepen your grief. Forgive me,” John thought as a single drop of tear dropped from one of his eyes.
Seeing only a shimmer of light John slowly opened his eyes only to find himself in hospital, in a single room separated from the main ward. It was awfully hot. The air was humid and smelled like medicines. He could barely move. The air-conditioner was loud, but not that annoying.  There was also a ceiling fan. “Why is there such an antique piece here?” John thought as he looked around. Within a minute he noticed that he was not alone in that room. Next to him was an unknown girl. She was stunned seeing John awaken.
“It…..it’s a miracle….yeah!” The girl said.
The girl quickly ran outside and called the doctors. At first, the doctors couldn’t believe it; as this really was no short of a miracle. For some reason, a lot of doctors and a lot of nurses came into John’s room. All of them were overjoyed to see John’s recovery. However, his family hadn’t arrived yet. John was greatly overwhelmed for he did not know why he was hospitalized and above all the overenthusiasm of the doctors and the nurses; made him feel even more confused. Soon he realized that he had been asleep for almost two years. “A two-year-long coma!?”
It was one of the greatest shocks of his life. He also soon understood that the girl next to him was his brother’s fiancée. However, the first thought that came to his mind was, “How in the world did he manage to convince such a beauty!?” Though the shock was great, soon it hit him. “What about Entrock? What about my friends in Entrock? What about my journey? Was everything only a dream?”
The doctors explained that John was way too stressed about his life and ultimately unhappy. But just that wasn’t enough to cause coma and even John knew that. Why he went into a coma was a mystery to the doctors too. Even after several tests, they couldn’t find any underlying diseases or causes. 
However, the doctors did say that his brain used to sleep to fantasize and create an adventure for him by inducing him in a coma. As his dream ended so did his coma. The human brain is a powerful organ thus that hypothesis wasn’t entirely implausible.
Even so, it was unbelievable, for him. “All these memories, friends, hardships deaths were a mere dream? I don’t believe you!” John flat out rejected the concept that the doctors had presented. Even the doctors themselves weren’t fully convinced either; thus John wasn’t totally wrong to do so either.
The doctors went away for the time being so that John would calm down. His brother’s fiancée didn’t know how to react in such a situation. She sat beside John and tried to calm him down. As shocked as John was, he didn’t create a scene; he focused on his memories and tried to figure out whether they were dreams or not. Soon John’s brother and parents arrived. They were overjoyed but John remained speechless as he could not accept such an explanation. However, then the question remained why or how did he get into the hospital?

« Last Edit: July 26, 2020, 12:54:00 PM by Yet EU »

Offline Yet EU

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Re: Co:ExisT ( Chapter-01)
« Reply #1 on: July 26, 2020, 07:30:45 AM »
Thanks Jt. I appreciate your help.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2020, 06:53:18 PM by Yet EU »

Offline JTetstone

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Re: Co:ExisT ( Chapter-01)
« Reply #2 on: July 26, 2020, 12:19:59 PM »
Good luck with your writing. jt
« Last Edit: July 26, 2020, 01:22:50 PM by JTetstone »
It's a waste of time to try to teach a heart writer rules for writing.. Smile. jt

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: Co:ExisT ( Chapter-01)
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2020, 07:05:12 AM »
I'm afraid your revised opening is no better than the original.

Quote
Cheerful laughter filled the atmosphere.
An atmosphere can be filled with laughter - but the way you express this here is very clunky. Maybe what you mean is that laughter filled the room.

Quote
There was a crowd of over a hundred people; each with unique clothes and looks.
I'm not sure why it matters that every person looked and dressed differently. What image are you trying to create?

Quote
A man entered that magnificent room- filled with decorations- and walked toward the center. His name was John and he was the heart of the party.
Was the man filled with decorations? That's how this reads. And what is 'the heart of the party'? The expression makes no sense.

Quote
It wasn’t easy for John to navigate within the ballroom, as it was too crowded despite the room being so large. As he reached the center stage, the intensity of sound became louder.
He didn't navigate 'within' the room - he navigated the room - but you make it sound as if he was in some kind of vehicle. And the sound got louder or more intense - intensity cannot become louder as it's a measure of intensity not sound.

Why not simply write 'The sound of chatter grew louder as John entered the ballroom and made his way to centre stage'? The rest of your opening paragraph is a mess, I'm afraid, and can be safely disposed of.

I could break down every single paragraph and point out the faults but life's too short. As it stands, this is unreadable.
You have a very disjointed, robotic way of writing. I'm guessing English is not your first language so I wonder why you took on such an ambitious task.
If you are writing for your own pleasure, I guess there's no harm done. But sharing it in a public forum makes your project appear doomed to failure.
Read! Read! Read! That's the only way you will learn how to express yourself clearly and concisely.