Author Topic: hello! have a poem i wrote 5 minutes ago :)  (Read 284 times)

Offline ssilvs

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    • another site to track me down & shoot me
hello! have a poem i wrote 5 minutes ago :)
« on: July 22, 2020, 11:45:02 PM »
i知 thinking of setting my hands
apart from my body, absconding with the
evidence from the scene of the crime and
burning it all down behind me. i知
thinking of my hands, of the hollows they leave,
and the silly motions i repeat to soothe
them. my hands fold
in on themselves and press crescents,
bloody, into my palms, coffee ringed
papers abandoned and eaten. i知
thinking my hands have taken matters unto
themselves, that the
separation occurred before i even knew
what the word
meant. i知 thinking my hands
are not my hands, if they are
hands at all, and the
moon幼rescent-shaped and holy葉hrows back its
head. i am looking down at the place where
my hands should
be and seeing
nothing. i am looking at a hollow and thinking
                                                            how can it be filled?
i am looking at a hollow and thinking it cannot be
filled. my hands rise behind me and dig
a shallow pit. hands rise behind me and tug
on my hair, braiding it neat and pretty and
clean, hands rise and hands rise and

          a sudden calamity. the caves revolt and turn inwards.
my hands and i walk
outwards and see, from the stalactites, something
glistening. something
slick and pink, soft with
some form of innocence i am not sure i
want to
know. i am looking at this
thing, this perversely unassuming, dripping thing and i am looking
at my hands. my hands, stained, and the hollow inside me is
hollower
still.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 12:19:52 AM by ssilvs »
哲othing more invites a reader than an argument unlooked for - Robert Burton

努e love art as ruins, a collaboration between the artist and entropy - jaako pallasvulo
(crossposting is a lil too much work幌ou can find me here as well https://hellopoetry.com/ssilvs/ )

Offline Nora

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Re: hello! have a poem i wrote 5 minutes ago :)
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2020, 12:00:13 PM »
I had a hard time following the thoughts in this poem. Maybe if you break up the first part into verses, each one beginning with one of the lines about thinking of your hands might make it flow more easily. Then the next part could be similarly broken up with each first line being one of the repeated ideas. Also, I am intrigued by the hands that braid your hair. Whose are they? Who is that person to you? Is the braiding an act of control or caring? Or in fact are they your own, and you are braiding your own hair, which is certainly something I could never do!