Author Topic: Co:ExisT (revision)  (Read 267 times)

Offline Yet EU

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Co:ExisT (revision)
« on: July 20, 2020, 07:31:43 AM »
Hi there. This is a revised version. I know it is lacking in quite a few areas. That's why I need a 2nd opinion. I don't care if you have to ruin my day. But I just want honest thoughts. No sugarcoating necessary. Just be straight. And thank you for reading.


                                   Prologue
 
 
Fragrant scent was looming in the atmosphere. The room was filled with many and different looking people; some of them didn’t look like people at all. All of them were staring at their savior John, as he walked to the center of the room. Although spacious, but with that much crowd navigating within that room wasn’t easy. There were more than enough people there and they had different clothes and looks as well; all of them were standing though as there was nothing for them to sit, to begin with. The calm chatter of the guests was becoming louder as John finally reached the center.
“I heard he’s going back,” said the elegant long eared man with a soothing voice like the calming breeze.
“Shh…” whispered a robed man behind.
Even kings had come to celebrate. Everybody looked like they were smiling. However at the same time deep down they were saddened as well; which they didn’t show. Some were eating some were socializing with the others but all them become attentive as soon as John stood up to say something. The walls felt like they were decorated with extreme care, as if they were made for the emperor himself; such a shame that the emperor couldn’t make it despite that. That is a given since that occasion was to commemorate the great hero John (not the emperor), for he and his comrades as well as best of friends saved the world from great peril and disaster. Together they achieved the impossible; but to achieve that they shared many sacrifices as well.
Not long ago this world was under the threat of the evil god Kryos. He intended to wipe out humanity along with all the other races. Kryos the god of underworld was threatening to not only the world of Entrock but also the gods. John together with his trusted friends defeated Kryos and saved the world; ensuring peace and tranquility. But still many of the guests faked being happy and John could feel it. “Never thought, this would be so sad of an event like this!” John thought. A beautiful young lady cladded in a bright pink dress which was touching the marble floor approached John. She was the center of attention all of a sudden.
“Well done John. Let it be known that I never for a moment lost faith that you wouldn’t succeed. As I prayed for your success so did I prayed for your safety in your journeys. I knew you could do it. But…” The young women stopped as though she bit her lips and couldn’t finish.
“Thank you Princess Lia. The kind words of your highness honors me and us. I can’t bear myself to even speak to you normally anymore. Forgive me Lia.” John bending his knees on the floor, paid respect to the princess.
“Is it…t-true that you have decided to return home today?” Lia replied with a shaking voice.
The whole room went silent, as if they were expecting such a question all along. John was from a place called Earth. A place where technology ruled instead of magic, a place where there were no dragons and no demons and also the place where there was no elf, dwarf and demi-human. He was summoned to this world for the sole purpose of saving the world and her people; because he was thought to be special.
“Will you really leave, John?” Tears gathered around Lia’s eyes as she finished.
“I have done my duty. Please don’t cry princess. You of all people should know that I, a summoned being can stay in this world for no more than 24 months.”
“I know that! But I refuse to accept it.” Her voice disappears as she finishes halfway.
 “Lia…”
A man cladded in dark approached the duo. He had a rather unique getup. Only his eyes were visible; as he was covered by black mist all over his body on top of his clothes. He was John’s close friend and partner in various naughty businesses.
“Don’t worry mate, I’ll take care of the ladies for ya.” The man in black exclaimed with a perverse tone while patted John on the back.
“I think they’d neuter you soon if you keep that up, Mirage. We all know how many times you’ve been caught visiting the women’s bath!” John immediately replied.
“Wouldn’t that be you? Besides, I don’t think anyone has the balls to do that,” Mirage confidently said.
“I don’t have balls but I’m pretty sure I can crush yours,” A young voice protested. “Please honey; don’t say that, I’ll get nightmares.” Mirage with a nervous tone, replied.
Everybody who heard that burst into laughter. The tension in the air was somewhat lifted. However Lia was quite sad thus she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Meanwhile all of John’s comrades gathered beside him.
“I think I’ll miss you John but definitely not enough to sob.”  The female demon said. She appeared to have a distinctive look thanks to her horns. “You got that right, Mia. Who would miss that closet pervert, John?” Another young girl’s voice resonated within the room. She was younger than the rest and had unique characteristics. She had bright white hair along with fluffy ears which were similar to animal ears.
“My point exactly, Lily!”
“Oh come on! At least let me set off with a smile.” John replied unwillingly.
“I am smiling you know. Ha ha ha”
I wouldn’t call that laughter!
“You definitely deserve that one, John. However I think you’re more of an open pervert than a closet one or more likely an idiot,” Answered, a good looking young man. He had quite a muscular build.
Aren’t both those terms just as bad?” John stared at the young man with a dull look. Although young; he was actually a bit older than John.
Meanwhile a beautiful female woman with long ears entered the room; with her came the grand mages. She was so good looking that half of the crowd; mostly males forgot about John and stared at her instead. The guests even made space for the woman to reach John.
“It is good to see you again John. Are you ready?” the beautiful lady asked, gently.
“It is always a pleasure to see you, your Excellency. In fact I’m glad beyond words.” John was smiling, but while looking at her bosom.
“I totally agree.” Mirage replied while doing the same thing.
“Both of you idiots shut up!” Lily exclaimed with intent.
“Ha aha ha. I’m ready your Excellency. Looks like that fancy elf didn’t come today after all,” John said as he wondered about his comrades who couldn’t make it to the sendoff.
“Very well.”
The grand mages started to prepare a magic circle to transport John back to his world. While moving towards the circle, John bade everybody goodbye.
“Forever you shall be our friend John. Happy journey!” A guest shouted with an elegant voice. He was a young man with long ears.
“Don’t mind the skinny elf. You will be our friend for eternity.”  A fat and round man replied with attitude.
“SHUT UP, FAT ASS!” The young man was rather triggered
“YOU SHUT UP, SKINNY BRAT! “ Although it was getting heated, most of the guests just ignored the two.
“Come on guys, try to get along. They still don’t get along, huh!?” John said.
“You have freed us from despair and have given us a place and purpose in this world. We shall be forever in your debt John,” A demon said.
You’re giving me too much credit.”
“You have our deepest gratitude John. You have not only given us a place in society but also have granted us sovereignty,” A human with goat ears said with great passion.
And I’m glad I did that. It’s a shame I won’t be able to cuddle with you guys anymore!”
“Thank you everyone. It was a roller coaster of a ride for me. But I really am grateful to have been here. Thank you my friends and everyone here. Alas! It is time for me to head home. And for those who didn’t make it; thank you as well. I’ll forever remember you guys in my heart,” John said.
Finally Lia spoke. Although she couldn’t come up with words; she had to.
“I’ll forever remember you, John… Please don’t forget about me.”
“I could never forget you Lia,” With a soft voice John replied.
“I still don’t understand what a roller coaster is!” Mia exclaimed.
“Don’t chase girls all the time, okay? “ Lily said.
“I don’t think that’s possible for him.” Cicil explained with a humorous tone.
“Yeah it would be impossible for him.”  Mia said.
“I don’t see any problem in that. “ Mirage supported John.
“That’s because you’re an idiot.” Sharia instantly rebuked him.
Everybody started to bid farewell to John. Some were crying, some were forcing a smile; however all of them were truly grateful to him. As soon as John stepped on the circle princess Lia burst into tears, for John was her first love.
“Fare well John…” Lia said as tears streamed down her face.
Surprised as he was, John didn’t say anything. Though Lia was John’s first as well, he could not bring himself to tell her that because he knew that eventually he would have to go back to his own world. As John’s body started to disperse everyone started praying for his safe journey.
“I’m sorry to make this a silent goodbye but saying something now would only deepen your grief. Forgive me,” John thought as a single drop of tear dropped from one of his eyes as well.
Seeing only a shimmer of light John slowly opened his eyes only to find himself in hospital, in a single room separated from the main ward. It was awfully hot. The air was humid and smelled like medicines. He could barely move. The air-conditioner was loud; but not that annoying.  There was also a ceiling fan. “Why is there such an antique piece here?” John thought as he looked around. Within a minute he noticed that he was not alone in that room. Next to him was an unknown girl. She was stunned seeing John awaken.
“It…..it’s a miracle….yeah!” The girl said.
The girl quickly ran outside and called the doctors. At first the doctors couldn’t believe it; as this really was no short of a miracle. For some reason a lot of doctors and a lot of nurses came into John’s room. All of them were overjoyed to see John’s recovery. However his family hadn’t arrived yet. John was greatly overwhelmed for he did not know why he was hospitalized and above all the overenthusiasm of the doctors and the nurses; made him feel even more confused. Soon he realized that he had been asleep for almost two years. “A two year long coma!?”
It was one of the greatest shocks of his life. He also soon understood that, the girl next to him was his brother’s fiancée. However the first thought that came to his mind was, “How in the world did he manage to convince such a beauty!?” Though the shock was great, soon it hit him. “What about Entrock? What about my friends in Entrock? What about my journey? Was everything only a dream?”
The doctors explained that John was way too stressed about his life and ultimately unhappy. But just that wasn’t enough to cause coma and even John knew that. Why he went into a coma was a mystery to the doctors too. Even after several tests they couldn’t find any underlying diseases or causes.
However the doctors did say that his brain used sleep to fantasize and create an adventure for him by inducing him in a coma. As his dream ended so did his coma. The human brain is a powerful organ thus that hypothesis wasn’t entirely implausible.
Even so it was unbelievable, for him. “All these memories, friends, hardships deaths were a mere dream? I don’t believe you!” John flat out rejected the concept that the doctors had presented. Even the doctors themselves weren’t fully convinced either; thus John wasn’t totally wrong to do so either.
The doctors went away for the time being so that John would calm down. His brother’s fiancée didn’t know how to react in such a situation. She sat beside John and tried to calm him down. As shocked as John was he didn’t create a scene; rather he focused on his memories and tried to figure out whether they were dreams or not. Soon John’s brother and parents arrived. They were overjoyed but John remained speechless as he could not accept such an explanation. However then the question remained why or how did he get into the hospital then?






(I'm actually confused about what I should call this. Should I make this the prolougue or just keep it as the first chapter?)



Offline Yet EU

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Re: Co:ExisT (revision)
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2020, 08:04:13 AM »
Looming=swimming. Sorry my bad.

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: Co:ExisT (revision)
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2020, 06:56:35 AM »
It would be an useful starting point if you yourself were to identify what areas you think are lacking. Is it dialogue? Plot arc? Characterisation? Narrative style or flow? Readability? That way, we could maybe help you address those issues.

My personal observations are as follows, and apologies in advance if I'm rather blunt.

Prologues - I hate them, as do most publishing houses. Why not simply start off with chapter 1?

Openings are important. Most readers reach a decision early on whether or not to continue reading. In many cases, they don't make it any further than the end of the first paragraph because the writing is so poor or because there's nothing there to hook them.

Your opening is rather dreadful. If this is a revision, I dread to think what the earlier draft was like.
 
'Fragrant scent was looming in the atmosphere' - 'looming' or 'swimming' - neither makes any sense. Smells linger in the atmosphere or overwhelm it, maybe. And the word 'fragrant' suggests it is an attractive scent rather than something unpleasant, but unless this story is going to be about a smell I'm not sure why you open with that line. The scent is never mentioned again, so why bother telling the reader something of no relevance?

'The room was filled with many and different looking people; some of them didn’t look like people at all.'
Another pointless sentence. 'many and different' again makes absolutely no sense since all people are different.

'All of them were staring at their savior John, as he walked to the center of the room.'
Now I'm slightly intrigued, but identifying your character as their saviour so early in the story without providing context to support the claim seems a little rushed.

But then you switch focus away from John to the dimensions of the room.
'Although spacious, but with that much crowd navigating within that room wasn’t easy.'
This isn't even a proper sentence? And what possible interest could the reader have in knowing this?

Then we're back to the people again:
'There were more than enough people there and they had different clothes and looks as well; all of them were standing though as there was nothing for them to sit, to begin with.'
Did you read this sentence? It's a grammatical mess and tells us nothing of interest. 'more than enough' - enough for what exactly??

Then we're back to John:
'The calm chatter of the guests was becoming louder as John finally reached the center.'

So far you don't appear to know how to start your story so you throw in odd snippets of random information that actually tells us nothing. This time-wasting exercise is more than enough to turn away most potential readers.

Then we have some dialogue, but you overload the sentence with some rather weird descriptors.
'“I heard he’s going back,” said the elegant long eared man with a soothing voice like the calming breeze.
“Shh…” whispered a robed man behind.'
'elegant' and 'long-eared' puts me in mind of a rabbit. And 'a soothing voice like the calming breeze'? Really? It's a little too lyrical to take seriously (I'm seeing the writer here rather than the story) And what has the man's voice got to do with anything? Or the fact that the other man is wearing a robe?

Then instead of continuing with more action, you return to painting a very blurred picture that is impossible to envisage:
'Even kings had come to celebrate. Everybody looked like they were smiling. However at the same time deep down they were saddened as well; which they didn’t show. Some were eating some were socializing with the others but all them become attentive as soon as John stood up to say something.'
Smiling but sad (even though they didn't show this sadness)? Again, this image is so vague I wonder why you bothered to share it with the reader.

To make matters worse, you decide to tell us a little more about the room:
'The walls felt like they were decorated with extreme care, as if they were made for the emperor himself; such a shame that the emperor couldn’t make it despite that.'
How do walls feel anything? This is yet another example of your failure to state a simple fact that is relevant to the plot.

And finally, the worst pair of sentences yet:
'That is a given since that occasion was to commemorate the great hero John (not the emperor), for he and his comrades as well as best of friends saved the world from great peril and disaster. Together they achieved the impossible; but to achieve that they shared many sacrifices as well.'

I gave up reading here, but I fear most readers will not make it this far. Your writing is ungrammatical and long-winded at times, and the focus is muddled, maybe because that's the way your mind works. You also don't seem able to lay out your thoughts in any meaningful order. You flit from one idea to the next without reaching a positive conclusion or making a clear statement of fact (relevant or otherwise). How do you expect your readers to keep track of what's happening when the focus continually switches from sentence to sentence?

My advice on the basis of this excerpt, forget about writing a novel until you have mastered the basic techniques of sentence construction and plot development. Read books and learn from other writers. I'm sorry but I can guarantee you will never find a published book that starts the way yours does.