Author Topic: Review my prolougue , 'Co:ExisT'  (Read 145 times)

Offline Yet EU

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Review my prolougue , 'Co:ExisT'
« on: July 16, 2020, 10:07:48 PM »

Underscores= italic. Please be thorough.

The ball room felt rather lively to John. The room was filled with many and different looking people; some of them didn’t look like people at all. The room was spacious but with that many crowd the navigating within that room wasn’t easy. There were more than enough people there and they had different clothes and looks as well; all of them were standing though as there was nothing for them to sit to begin with. Even kings had come to celebrate. Everybody looked like they were smiling. However at the same time deep down they were saddened as well; which they didn’t show. Some were eating some were socializing with the others some were even paying close attention to what was happening around them. The walls of the room felt like they were decorated with extreme care, as if they were made for the emperor himself. That is a given since that occasion was to commemorate the great hero John , for he and his comrades as well as best of friends saved the world from great peril and disaster. Together they achieved the impossible; but to achieve that they shared many sacrifices as well. Not long ago this world was under the threat of the evil god Kryos. He intended to wipe out humanity along with all the other races. John together with his trusted friends defeated Kryos and saved the world; ensuring peace and tranquility. But still many of the guests were shedding tears. “_Never thought, this would be so sad of an event like this!_” John thought.  Suddenly a very beautiful young lady cladded in a bright pink dress approached John.
“Well done John. Congratulations on your success. I knew you could do it. But…”
“Thank you princess Lia. The kind words of your highness honors me and us. _I can’t bear myself to even speak to you normally anymore. Forgive me Lia_” (John)
“Is it t….t…true that you have decided to return home today?” Lia replied with a shaking voice.
The whole room went silent, as if they were expecting such a question all along. John was from a place called Earth. A place, where technology ruled instead of magic, a place where there were no dragons and no demons and also the place where there was no elf, dwarf and demi-human. He was summoned to this world for the sole purpose of saving the world and her people; because he was thought to be special.
“Will you really leave, John?” Tears gathered around Lia’s eyes as she finished her shaky sentence.
“I have done my duty. Please don’t cry princess. You of all people should know that I, a summoned being can only stay in this world for no more than 24 months.”
“I know that! But I refuse to accept such cruelty.”
 “Lia…”
A man cladded in dark approached the duo. He had a rather unique getup. Only his eyes were visible; as he was covered by black mist all over his body on top of his clothes. He was John’s close friend and partner in various naughty businesses.
“Don’t worry mate, I’ll take care of the ladies for ya.” The man in black exclaimed with a perverse tone.
“I think they’d neuter you soon if you keep that up, Mirage. We all know how many times you’ve been caught visiting the women’s bath!” John immediately replied.
“Wouldn’t that be you? Besides, I don’t think anyone has the balls to do that.” Mirage confidently said.
“I don’t have balls but I’m pretty sure I can crush yours.” A young voice protested. She was also a member of  the party. However her appearance was a bit different. She possessed red hair which complimented her bright red dress.
“Please honey; don’t say that, I’ll get nightmares.” Mirage hilariously replied.
Everybody burst into laughter. The tension in the air was somewhat lifted. However Lia was quite sad thus she couldn’t bring herself to say anything. Meanwhile all of john’s comrades gathered beside him.
“I think I’ll miss you John but definitely not enough to sob.” Said was beautiful black demon. She had black hair and decent bosom which gave her a mature look.
“You got that right, Mia. Who would miss that closet pervert, John?” Another young girl’s voice resonated within the room. She was younger than the rest and had unique characteristics. For once she had bright white hair.
“My point exactly, Lily!” Mia said with a smile
“Oh come on! At least let me set off with a smile.” John replied unwillingly.
“I am smiling you know. Ha ha ha” Mia replied with a very villainous laughter.
“I wouldn’t call that laughter!”
“You definitely deserve that one, John. However I think you’re more of an open pervert than a closet one.” Answered a good looking young man. He had a rather muscular build.
“_Aren’t both those terms just as bad?_” John stared at the young man with a dull look. Although young; he was actually a bit older than John.
Meanwhile a beautiful female elf came inside the room; with her came the elven grand mages. She was so good looking that half of the crowd; mostly males forgot about John and stared at her instead.
“It is good to see you again John. Are you ready?” the beautiful elf asked gently.
“It is always a pleasure to see you your Excellency. In fact I’m glad beyond words.” John was smiling, but whilst looking at her bosom.
“I totally agree.” Mirage replied while doing the same thing.
“Both of you perverts shut up!” Lily exclaimed with intent.
“Ha aha ha. I’m ready your Excellency._Looks like that fancy elf didn’t come today after all._”  John said as he wondered about his comrades who couldn’t make it to the sendoff.
“Very well.”
The grand mages started to prepare a magic circle to transport John back to his world. Whilst moving towards the circle, John bade everybody goodbye.
“Forever you shall be our friend John. Happy journey!” A guest shouted. He was an young looking elf.
“Don’t mind the skinny elf. You will be our friend for eternity.”  A dwarf replied with attitude. The dwarves and the elves never got along. After countless trial and error John was finally able to mediate that somewhat but it just wasn’t enough.
“SHUT UP, FAT ASS!” The young elf got triggered
“YOU SHUT UP, SKINNY BRAT! “ Although it was getting heated, most of the people just ignored the two.
“Come on guys, try to get along. _They still don’t get along, huh!?_” John said.
“You have freed us from despair and have given us a place and purpose in this world. We shall be forever in your debt John.” A demon said.
“_You’re giving me too much credit_”
“You have our deepest gratitude John. You have not only given us a place in society but also have granted us sovereignty.” A human with goat ears said with great passion.
“_And I’m glad I did that. It’s a shame I won’t be able to cuddle with you guys anymore!_”
“Thank you everyone. It was a roller coaster of a ride for me. But I really am grateful to have been here. Thank you my friends and everyone here. Alas! It is time for me to head home. _And for those who didn’t make it; thank you as well. I’ll forever remember you guys in my heart._” John replied.
Finally Lia spoke. Although she couldn’t come up with words; she had to.
“I’ll forever remember you John. Please don’t forget me.”
“I could never forget you Lia.”
“I still don’t understand what a roller coaster is!” Mia exclaimed.
“Don’t chase girls all the time, okay? “Said Lily.
“I don’t think that’s possible for him.” Cicil explained with a humorous tone.
“Yeah it would be impossible for him.” Said Mia
“I don’t see any problem in that. “ Mirage supported John.
“That’s because you’re a pervert.” Sharia instantly rebuked him.
Everybody started to bid farewell to John. Some were crying, some were forcing a smile; however all of them were truly grateful to John. As soon as John stepped on the circle princess Lia burst into tears, for John was her first love.
Though Lia was John’s first as well, he could not bring himself to tell her that because he knew that eventually he would have to go back to his own world. As John’s body started to disperse everyone started praying for his safe journey.
Seeing only a shimmer of light John slowly opened his eyes only to find himself in a hospital bed. It was awfully hot. He could barely move. The air-conditioner was loud; but not that annoying.  There was also a ceiling fan. “_Why is there such an antique piece here?_” John thought as he looked around. Within a minute he noticed that he was not alone in that room. Next to him was a gorgeous unknown girl. She was stunned seeing John awaken.
“It…..it’s a miracle….yeah!”
The girl quickly ran outside and called the doctors. At first the doctors couldn’t believe it; as this really was no short of a miracle. For some reason the doctors and a lot of nurses came into John’s room. All of them were overjoyed to see John’s recovery. However his family hadn’t arrived yet. John was greatly overwhelmed for he did not know why he was hospitalized and above all the overenthusiasm of the doctors and the nurses; made him feel even more confused. Soon he realized that he had been asleep for almost two years. “A two year long coma!?”
It was one of the greatest shocks of his life. He also soon understood that, the girl next to him was his brother’s fiancée. However the first thought that came to his mind was, “How in the world did he manage to convince such a beauty!?” Though the shock was great, soon it hit him. “_What about Entrock? What about my friends in Entrock? What about my journey? Was everything only a dream?_”
The doctors explained that John was way too stressed about his life and ultimately unhappy. But just that wasn’t enough to cause coma and even John knew that. Why he went into a coma was a mystery to the doctors too. Even after several tests they couldn’t find any underlying diseases or causes.
However the doctors did say that his brain used sleep to fantasize and create an adventure for him by inducing him in a coma. As his dream ended so did his coma. The human brain is a powerful organ thus that hypothesis wasn’t entirely implausible.
Even so it truly was unbelievable, for him. “All these memories, friends, hardships deaths were a mere dream? I don’t believe you!” John flat out rejected the concept that the doctors had presented. Even the doctors themselves weren’t fully convinced either; thus John wasn’t totally wrong to do so either.
The doctors went away for the time being so that John would calm down. His brother’s fiancée didn’t know how to react in such a situation; thus she calmly sat beside John and tried to calm him down. As shocked as John was he didn’t create a scene; rather he focused on his memories and tried to figure out whether they were dreams or not. Soon John’s brother and parents arrived. They were overjoyed but John remained speechless as he could not accept such an explanation. However then how did and why was he in the hospital!


Thank you for your time.


Offline PIJ1951

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Re: Review my prolougue , 'Co:ExisT'
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2020, 07:13:42 AM »
Quote
Underscores= italic. Please be thorough.
I'm not sure how to take this. Is it a polite request or an instruction? Either way, I'm unable to offer you the time required for a 'thorough' reading or to give you a line-by-line response because there's far too much editing needed to make this readable.

You repeat the word 'room' four times in the first three sentences and the word 'people' three times in the first four sentences. That suggests you are still struggling to find your way as a writer. Unfortunately, nothing else grabbed my attention in the entire opening paragraph of 275 words other than the way you write. It's a bit of a mess, to be honest, which makes me think maybe English is not your first language.

From what I can see, having skimmed the rest of this excerpt, things do not improve. The dialogue is unrealistic and you introduce so many random details that the plot quickly becomes hopelessly convoluted. Apologies for not being more thorough than this.

My advice - get a copy of 'On Writing' by Stephen King and spend 9 hours reading for every hour spent writing, especially when attempting something as ambitious as a novel. If you don't read books as if your life depends on them, you'll never become a writer.

Offline Yet EU

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Re: Review my prolougue , 'Co:ExisT'
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2020, 07:19:27 AM »
Thanks I appreciate your opinion. I actually got that book by King today. This is the first damn thing I've written so you can guess the rest.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 08:01:13 AM by Yet EU »