Author Topic: A Silly Old Soul Like Mine  (Read 419 times)

Offline technicolorcardigan

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A Silly Old Soul Like Mine
« on: July 15, 2020, 02:33:31 PM »
[Hi, this is my first post so please forgive me if I don't have this right just yet :) This is my first draft of a poem I wrote for and about the person I love. I typically am very strict with rhyming patterns and syllables, which I pretty much threw away for this, so I'm afraid it sounds rather choppy? I'm starting to think it reads more like song lyrics. I am pretty pleased with most of my word choice, but would love critiques involving structure/flow.]



A Silly Old Soul Like Mine

i gazed upon a flickering star
singing a silent song
would it disrupt his solitude, were i to sing along?

it's hard not to think about why,
but my silly old soul and i,
we throw pebbles in ponds and we wave magic wands
and we wish for this star to fall by

you would swear that it came from the pages-
it seems like a story but it is a fact,
when two lovestruck children don't know how to act
they walk round in circles for ages-

then all at once everything changes
it's sudden- the world rearranges
and quickly all i do would be brighter, were there you

i knew i'd never rest,
but i never could have guessed
my dandelion wishes would come true

:) Mabel

Offline ssilvs

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Re: A Silly Old Soul Like Mine
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2020, 11:30:05 PM »
well, you’re definitely right about this sounding more like song lyrics than the lines of a poem (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) i admire your courage in trying to throw away the traditional rhyme scheme you’re used to, but you seem to have fallen into the common trap while doing so—you’ve created a poem with a number of rhyme schemes in it and it, admittedly, does sound a little choppy. either clean up the scheme so it’s coherent or cut it out entirely and then you’ll have one pretty solid poem  :)
“Nothing more invites a reader than an argument unlooked for” - Robert Burton

“we love art as ruins, a collaboration between the artist and entropy” - jaako pallasvulo
(crossposting is a lil too much work–you can find me here as well https://hellopoetry.com/ssilvs/ )

Offline Nora

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Re: A Silly Old Soul Like Mine
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2020, 01:32:30 PM »
The second verse is actually a limerick:

it's hard not to think about why,
but my silly old soul and i,
we throw pebbles in ponds
and we wave magic wands
and we wish for this star to fall by

It's my favorite part of this poem!

Offline technicolorcardigan

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Re: A Silly Old Soul Like Mine
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2020, 01:38:00 PM »
I hadn't noticed, love that! Thanks!
:) Mabel

Offline Nora

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Re: A Silly Old Soul Like Mine
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2020, 04:42:15 PM »
and I also noticed some delightful word play:

silly old soul
pebbles in ponds
we wave magic wands

Offline technicolorcardigan

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Re: A Silly Old Soul Like Mine
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2020, 12:25:55 AM »
I'm contemplating adding:

And quickly all I do would be brighter were there you
And quickly all loads bared would be lighter, were they shared
:) Mabel