Author Topic: Lone Flower in the Field  (Read 215 times)

Offline Cliff Sombito

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Lone Flower in the Field
« on: July 11, 2020, 07:47:05 AM »
Hello this is my first poem, it's called Lone Flower in the Field. I want to know if this poem is good or bad. All critique is welcome.

Here goes:

Lone flower in the field,
Thy voice I have heard
Across the valleys and the hills,
The breeze carries thy name.


When the strong winds blow,
An island of cumulonimbus appears
And thunder split the ears,
Purple lightning is aglow.


Lone flower in the field,
Will thou uproot thyself and flee
To safety? it cannot be;
From a storm, thou wilt not even yield.


Thou have no fear of death
For thou have lived thy life
Not yesterday, nor tomorrow,
But now. Eternal is thy breath.


Lone flower in the field,
A blade is what I have held,
But today, I will throw it away
And I will dance with thee.


Offline Desiderio Paz

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Re: Lone Flower in the Field
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2020, 08:24:25 PM »
You're off to a good start. I suggest replacing the thees , thous, and thys with you, your, the, etc., and the wilt not with won't.

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: Lone Flower in the Field
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2020, 08:14:29 AM »
You're off to a good start. I suggest replacing the thees , thous, and thys with you, your, the, etc., and the wilt not with won't.

Agreed. Trying to pretend you wrote this four hundred years ago in 2020 is rather silly. Trying to copy Shakespeare or Milton doesn't make this any more poetic.

Offline lemur

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Re: Lone Flower in the Field
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2020, 08:45:02 AM »
I also see this as a very promising start, but not quite perfect yet.

In particular I'm looking at the rhyme scheme. I don't think you necessarily need to make all the verses rhyme or none of them; I can see that you're doing something clever with the transition from non-rhyming to strictly rhyming and back again. But maybe you can tighten that up.

Personally, I think I'd make the final stanza rhyme. It will feel more powerful that way, and a poem that has a storm in it should end powerfully. Another benefit of doing that might be to introduce a little variation into the third repetition of the opening line. Maybe something like
"Lone flower in the mead, / I've held a weapon, but today, / My blade is what I'll throw away / And I will dance with you instead."
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." - Emerson

"WALK WITH LIGHT" - street sign

Offline Cliff Sombito

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Re: Lone Flower in the Field
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2020, 01:40:55 AM »
thanks for your insight it has enlightened me about my poem.