Author Topic: The lost Wings  (Read 145 times)

Offline thedogwhowrites

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The lost Wings
« on: June 29, 2020, 03:03:50 AM »
Fantasy story I started writing, all critiques are welcome! I really want to improve.

I think I'm going crazy. I've had my suspicions for awhile now, but yesterday they were pretty much confirmed. I've been always seeing and hearing strange things. When I was 7 a wolf came up to me and he asked me for directions in perfect English. At thirteen I saw an enormous bear in the woods and he sung me happy birthday, and a few months ago I swear to god I sighted a guy with wings and a sword flying high up in the sky. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

I've always managed to come up with dumb explanations for these sightings. For example the winged guy I saw was probably just a really large bird...with a sword. And I wasn't even using my glasses, it could have been anything.

But yesterday It was the first time I couldn't find any excuses for what I saw.

 I was riding my bike through the snowy forest road. Riding my bike is the only thing that helps me clear my mind and stay calm, I ride it a lot. I was out because I got stirred up back at the orphanage after a fight. One of the girls stole my beanie at dinner, I asked for it back but she just laughed and insulted me. "You don't need this hat, all of us already know about your ugly ears!". I wanted to insult her stupid donkey face, but I already had a hard time holding back my tears.

All the other girls started to look at me and whisper, It was the usual stupid comments, "its true","their so ugly", "like an elf". I didn't mind most of the insults but I hated it when they called me an "elf". The way they say it, always with a disgusting scowl in their face, as if I wasn't even human.

I really wanted my hat back, to cover my ugly pointy ears, but I just didn't care anymore. Everyday it was the same. I left the cafeteria, leaving behind their repulsed face. I never could understand why they hated me so much, I never did anything to them. I've never even talked to most of them. Even the guardians seemed to hate me at times.

Outside in the freezing snow I grabbed my bike and sneaked off to a hidden hole in the chain link fence. I'm sure no one else knows about this secret opening but I'm always really cautious when I go there, it was getting dark so I doubt anyone saw me.

I felt so free as I rode down the snowy hills, the sight of the white forest gently draped with a layer of snow, the dark blue sky slowly filling itself with stars, the wind blowing through my long hair. I couldn't manage to stop myself from smiling. For a moment I felt as if nothing ever happened at the cafeteria, those dumb girls have never existed and I was never at the orphanage.

My moment of bliss didn't last long. It was already dark and I needed to get back soon before they realized I was gone. As I started to head back down one of the steep hills I noticed something in the corner of my eye, a bright blue light. It startled me so much I almost fell off my bike, I managed to slow down and hit the breaks. As I looked back I noticed the blue light again, it was inside the ghastly forest casting a soft glow around its perimeter.

I froze, I felt the need to go there, but I was terrified. Somehow my body just moved by itself and went towards the black forest. With every step my fear surged but the need to go there grew with it. I stopped at the edge of the forest. As I peaked inside I could make out the origin of the light. On the snowy floor lied a light bulb.

I felt so relived, I had never imagined it would've been just a simple light bulb. But wait, how was it on if it wasn't connected? Then I saw her. As I looked closer I saw what was actually casting the light. Something scarier than anything I had imagined. Inside the light bulb was a small girl.

My jaw dropped, I was already running back towards my bike before I even processed what I saw. A girl inside a light bulb. Yup, I'm definitely going crazy.

I just stood there with my bike, incapable of coming up with some sort of explanation. Reluctantly I decided I'd go there again just to confirm if I was losing my mind or if I just had crazy good imagination.

I gathered all of my courage and crept up to the edge of the forest again. I stopped. I couldn't believe it, there she was, the girl inside the lightbulb. She looked like a normal teenager except for the fact she was really tiny and glowed bright blue. She had pitch black hair, bright blue eyes and was wearing normal winter clothing. As I looked closer I noticed that she was weeping, banging on the insides of the glass, she was trying to get out. I had even started to hear the distant cries of her voice.

My fear vanished, I suddenly felt sorry for the little human, even a little sad, as if I started to share her sorrow. I entered the woods, leaned down and looked directly at her. When she noticed me she stopped crying, suddenly looking hopeful. We locked eyes, I felt a hit warmth that fluctuated through my whole body. Do I know her? Do we have some sort connection? I had to free her.

I gently picked up the light bulb.

"I'll get you out of here" I whispered.

She just nodded her head. I told her to go the the metal end of the light bulb while I very gently hit the spherical end with a small rock. As the glass broke the girl beamed at me. She grew wings and flew out, circling around me a few times. Bright orange sparkles flew from her as she glided through the air. I was just star-struck, a fairy!

Her glow changed to a radiant orange, the woods got warmer. As she was flying in the air she grew to the size of a normal girl, her radiating fairy wings fluttered orange sparks. As she landed beside me her glow dimmed.

"Thank you so much *Angelus*!" she said. "My stupid brothers had pulled one of their pranks again. I was in there for days, I actually thought I was going to starve to death! Do you have any food?

I wanted to answer but I just managed to say "uh".

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: The lost Wings
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2020, 06:40:59 AM »
The good news is, I read this right to the end. It's a little too cutesy to be taken seriously, so I'm not sure what age group it would appeal to. You probably have a very young audience in mind.

There are a number of grammatical mis-steps that would hopefully become resolved when you get around to editing. The spelling is an issue of concern:

'their' so ugly - should be 'they're'
'Everyday' - should be 'Every day'
I managed to slow down and hit the 'breaks' - should be 'brakes'.
As I 'peaked' inside - should be 'peeked'
and I felt so 'relived' - should be 'relieved'

I'll admit, I didn't find the opening particularly encouraging - the internalised dialogue sounded too mature and easy-going for a young teenager- and quite frankly, the talking wolf and singing bear are plain silly. You might consider dumping this 'I think I'm going crazy' angle because it doesn't add anything positive to the story or make your main character any more appealing.

I presume he's an elf and somehow has a connection to the world of fairies, but so far the plot is a little thin. What happens next will decide whether this becomes simply another predictable 'self-conscious-boy-meets-compassionate-girl' story and they all live happily ever after or develops into something far more intriguing and challenging.

Offline thedogwhowrites

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Re: The lost Wings
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2020, 11:14:22 AM »
The good news is, I read this right to the end. It's a little too cutesy to be taken seriously, so I'm not sure what age group it would appeal to. You probably have a very young audience in mind.

There are a number of grammatical mis-steps that would hopefully become resolved when you get around to editing. The spelling is an issue of concern:

'their' so ugly - should be 'they're'
'Everyday' - should be 'Every day'
I managed to slow down and hit the 'breaks' - should be 'brakes'.
As I 'peaked' inside - should be 'peeked'
and I felt so 'relived' - should be 'relieved'

I'll admit, I didn't find the opening particularly encouraging - the internalised dialogue sounded too mature and easy-going for a young teenager- and quite frankly, the talking wolf and singing bear are plain silly. You might consider dumping this 'I think I'm going crazy' angle because it doesn't add anything positive to the story or make your main character any more appealing.

I presume he's an elf and somehow has a connection to the world of fairies, but so far the plot is a little thin. What happens next will decide whether this becomes simply another predictable 'self-conscious-boy-meets-compassionate-girl' story and they all live happily ever after or develops into something far more intriguing and challenging.

Thank you a ton for correcting my grammar, I've always had trouble with that.

The part with the talking animals is foreshadowing that she can talk to them but yes it might of been silly, I'll might change it.

The main character is a girl, unfortunately it seems that I didn't convey it in the writing.

I'll try to make the opening more interesting, any pointers?

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: The lost Wings
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2020, 01:20:02 PM »
I'll try to make the opening more interesting, any pointers?

That's an impossible question to answer. Read as much as you can in the genre and look for an original twist so that your own story stands out. Foreshadowing is fine by the way, but it's usually best done more subtly. Maybe she (oops!) keeps getting woken up by birdsong outside her bedroom window and swears she hears voices speaking directly to her.

Offline thedogwhowrites

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Re: The lost Wings
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2020, 04:27:46 PM »
That's an impossible question to answer. Read as much as you can in the genre and look for an original twist so that your own story stands out. Foreshadowing is fine by the way, but it's usually best done more subtly
Thank you for your advice on foreshadowing.

Offline DVnyT

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Re: The lost Wings
« Reply #5 on: Yesterday at 03:23:46 AM »
Umm, here's hoping your target audience is relatively young. You change your tenses back and forth a bunch of times. You write '7' in one line and then 'thirteen' in the next. No thirteen year old I know talks like that. Even if they have a diary or are extremely sentimental, it's way more snappy, a little edgy. Plus, your protagonist is supposed to be older than thirteen by context- so there's practically no way they think like that. I've been through people judging your appearance as a teen, everybody has- everyone feels self-conscious and anxious. But no one thinks 'stupid donkey face' is a viable insult after you are 8 years of age. I'd suggest reading books. It's never enough. If you can articulate things a bit better that would be great. I don't like saying this- but it feels amateurish (nothing wrong with that. Just means you have a lot to improve on. Look at it as an opportunity since you know exactly where you're lacking; many others don't.)
The opening should start off with a bang. I'd go so far as to start it at the end of your prose here. So, something like-
"A tiny girl, in a bulb- her hips stuck in the tungsten filament, as her tears lit the road up brighter than any current could. Maybe it really was the bright light those interviewees on the TV saw, right before they- yeah, got resurrected or whatever. It was probably a lucid dream then. When did I ever fall asleep?"
Again, biggest takeaway- read. Rereading Harry Potter with a better understanding will help- it's the only recommendation I can think of, since I don't read much YA. Good luck and keep writing!
There are no two words in the English language more harmful than "good job".