Author Topic: A better place 2  (Read 172 times)

Offline thedogwhowrites

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A better place 2
« on: June 23, 2020, 11:21:50 PM »
This is for a project for university. The teacher gave us each a random image to write a short story from. I got a photograph of migrants escaping from Libya by boat to Europe. But the story I've written isn't about Libya, I just took the main idea of people escaping war by boat. This is a sci-fi story.

 

Aisha knew she would never see her house again.

She was huddled in the back corner of a large truck. Her mother sat beside her with a nervous stare. There wasn't much space, it was full of other families, all with the same frightened look on their faces.

From the outside an onlooker would think it was a normal truck carrying bricks. But they were oblivious to the fact that there was a secret compartment where people hid.

Aisha had a hard time breathing with all the people inside. The truck shook and whined with every small bump on the road, making her whole body ache.  She felt uncomfortable hearing the harsh breathing of the others. She wanted to sleep but she felt the need to stay awake, she didn't feel safe.

They had been traveling for around an hour maybe, it was hard to tell since there were no windows inside. The only light they received was strobes of light darting the interior. But most of the time it was draped in darkness.

She knew exactly what was happening, where she was going, there wasn't a day in her life were hadn't though about this. But she didn't expect it to happen so soon. Just yesterday her life was relatively normal, and now she's escaping her past in a truck filled with strangers, with similar lives and dreams.

She never felt safe here, always scared that another war would start, but she always convinced herself that it wouldn't happen. Somehow the universe would let her live a normal life, have normal friends, go to a normal school and even get a boyfriend. Yet here she is, barley escaping the attack that obliterated her city in a matter of seconds, killing probably almost every person she knew. She and her mom got lucky, they where miles away from attack.

It started three days ago, she and her mom happened to be taking their Sunday hike in the mountains. It wasn't close, about an hour drive but it was completely worth it. The fresh air rejuvenated her lungs, the sight of the orange landscape contrasted by the turquoise sky, multicolored leaves falling gracefully at every corner, being able to actually walk on something other then concrete. This place was her only escape, one of the last few green areas left where they lived. Oh yeah and there was no internet.

That Sunday they were hiking up the trail laughing about random nonsense. After tripping over sticks and almost falling in a pit of dead leaves they reached the end of the trail, a cliff. From there you could see the city in the distance about 40 miles away. Other then that there was nothing, just a the dirty highway, dirty billboards and the rest was desert. It wasn't a pretty site, Aisha always wondered how it would of looked in the past, maybe it would greener, not so...dead.

They never stayed for long at the cliff, the hike wasn't ever about reaching it. When they had started to walk down they heard a weird sound, as if someone was sucking the air from a balloon but loud enough to make ones ears bleed. The ground rumbled, leaves plummeted from the trees above, the sky darkened, all the air had begun to drift towards the cliff.

Every single cell in Aisha's body froze. A few painful seconds later the sound dissipated into silence. Aisha trembling, tried to ask her mom what was happening, but it was as if the sound had been sucked from the air. The only thing she could hear was her heartbeat, getting faster by the second. From the terrified look in her mothers eyes it seams that she knew exactly what was happening. Aisha's ears felt like they were to explode. Excruciating pain entered eyes and brain. She screamed in silent agony. Then it happened.

For a split second the sky had turned brighter then the sun, the ground had dropped a few feet as if someone kicked it from above. Aisha and her mother were thrown off their feet landing a few yards away onto the hard dirt floor.

Suddenly she could hear again, she looked above and the sky went back to normal, she could hear the singing of the birds, the leaves fluttered above. She rose slowly, limping towards the cliff. She scanned the horizon, the sight wasn't too different, the billboards, the ugly road and about 40 miles away a colossal crater.

Aisha didn't know what she was looking at, the city was there a few minutes ago and now its gone, it doesn't exist. Her friends, her stupid teachers, that dumb boy she liked, the bullies', the rest her family, everything. At that moment she didn't feel any emotion, it felt surreal, a dream. She would wake up at any second now. Her mom stepped behind her.

"The war had started".


Offline PIJ1951

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Re: A better place 2
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2020, 04:15:35 AM »
This was an improvement until you introduced the Sunday hike they regularly took about an hour's drive from the city. It's almost comical you believe this kind of leisure activity is possible in a war-torn country where most people don't even own a pair of shoes let alone a car. It's important you research your material before writing something you have so little understanding of.

Offline thedogwhowrites

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Re: A better place 2
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2020, 09:17:08 AM »
This was an improvement until you introduced the Sunday hike they regularly took about an hour's drive from the city. It's almost comical you believe this kind of leisure activity is possible in a war-torn country where most people don't even own a pair of shoes let alone a car. It's important you research your material before writing something you have so little understanding of.
Yeah now that you mention it, it feel quite out of place, ill change it. Thank you. Any critiques about the actual writing?

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: A better place 2
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2020, 09:28:54 AM »
The writing is not too shabby - the rhythm is more natural and it flows better than your earlier attempt.
But you do tend to over-dramatize - 'every single cell in her body' freezing is so over the top that we know it can't be true. Also, I'm not sure how they ended up inside a truck when their entire city had been wiped off the face of the earth (to be replaced by a crater). . . really? The scale of destruction is an impossibility, even following an alien attack on the scale of a disaster movie. Less is often more.

Offline thedogwhowrites

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Re: A better place 2
« Reply #4 on: June 24, 2020, 09:42:32 AM »
The writing is not too shabby - the rhythm is more natural and it flows better than your earlier attempt.
But you do tend to over-dramatize - 'every single cell in her body' freezing is so over the top that we know it can't be true. Also, I'm not sure how they ended up inside a truck when their entire city had been wiped off the face of the earth (to be replaced by a crater). . . really? The scale of destruction is an impossibility, even following an alien attack on the scale of a disaster movie. Less is often more.

"less is often more". I'll keep this in mind from now on. Thanks, your critiques are always helpful.