Author Topic: Blank Mind-My first poem and would really apreciate some feedback:)  (Read 743 times)

Offline ChloeFleet

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Hi! this is my first proper poem that i have written, and id love to have some feedback on this. as im new to this i dont know what counts as good and bad poetry. i'm trying to get into songwriting and heard poetry is a great way to come up with lyrics so thought id give it a try. Ive had a lot on my chest recently and thought id throw everything onto the paper so sorry for any spelling mistakes, i wrote this exhausted at like half 1 in the morning. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

blank mind.
my mind is blank, yet so full of colour,
i simply, struggle to find the paint brush.
so much to say, yet when im told to speak, all is wiped clear.
perhaps not wiped away, just wiped behind a curtain, because as i stand there blank,
i can feel the words screaming out, trying to excape, but my mind has imprisoned them,
not forever, just in that moment. for once that moment is over,
they rush from behind the curtain, causing havoc in my head.
bouncing off the walls of my seemingly small mind.
i wonder day after day why my mind traps the words im so desperate to say.
theyre all there, ready, layed out in perfectly formed and performed lines.
rehersed many times in frantic fits of frustration, coming out word for word without a flaw.
when its you, and I,
the seemingly perfect lines seek refuge.
refuge from what?
I still dont know.
For I am not scared,
anymore atleast,
but, perhaps they dont have the resiliance my outer shell has learned to love.
shells, pollished and pristine
but, they havnt always been
after each bolder blow, and each dart thrown,
the shell is filled and painted,
but how do you repair the delicate insides?
battered and bloody and bruised.
a simple fix some may think, prise open and allow maintenence in.
but doing so creates an easy, open target for the bolders and the darts to attack what must be protected.
It has no defence once the seal is unlocked.
so here Ill stay, with my polished and prestine cover.
perhaps thats why my mind is blank.
thats why my head holds my words hostage,
for their freedom reveils the precious, protected jewel,
so perhaps i, should, just,
stay scilent.

Offline Olesia

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Re: Blank Mind-My first poem and would really apreciate some feedback:)
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2020, 07:35:33 AM »
Hi ChloeFleet,

Welcome to My Writers Circle, we appreciate you sharing your poem with us!

To make things more personal we would love to learn more about you, please post an intro on the Welcome Board. Let us know what part of the world you're in, some background on your writing journey and how you found us.

Our forum is give and take and the more you review and critiques others writings the more feedback you’ll get on your own works.

Once again welcome to MWC!

Offline lemur

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  • 毎日 なんとなく 次ちゃお だけ.
Re: Blank Mind-My first poem and would really apreciate some feedback:)
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2020, 08:09:01 AM »
I like the way you play with language, like "formed and performed" and "frantic fits of frustration." The alliteration and rhythm reminds me of classic hip-hop.

This is just one opinion, but for me I found it a bit too long. You might want to tighten it up; think about which lines aren't really adding to the emotional impact and consider condensing or cutting a few.
"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." - Emerson

"WALK WITH LIGHT" - street sign

Offline Nora

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Re: Blank Mind-My first poem and would really apreciate some feedback:)
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2020, 03:26:50 PM »
I agree with lemur, it feels too long, and a bit repetitive. But I also noticed that phrase "perfectly formed and performed lines", and also "frantic fits of frustration" - very nicely done.

Offline Sheena

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Re: Blank Mind-My first poem and would really apreciate some feedback:)
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2020, 06:34:16 AM »
I too felt that the poetry was a bit too long. But I thought the expressions were real and honest, and with some bit of polishing, you can write great poetry. Also, I noticed a couple of spelling errors, which you could correct as well :-)