Author Topic: Gerald Papillon: Heart & Soul. Part One, Chapter One  (Read 116 times)

Offline JaneCarterPi

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Gerald Papillon: Heart & Soul. Part One, Chapter One
« on: May 20, 2020, 07:45:22 PM »

A story I am currently working on and wanting to finish with enthusiasm, entitled Gerald Papillon:Heart and Soul I would appreciate polite and constructive feedback

                            Chapter One:
How could it have been in an instant that Lucinda Richland would have been afforded a once in a lifetime opportunity to meet American film actor Gerald Papillon? Gerald a resident of Sage Brush Valley, California, Lucinda in a small midwestern town of Silas Missouri crossed paths all because Lucinda stood out with her creativity, writing and conducting in an orderly manner of a fan page entitled Gerald Papillon: Heart and Soul. Their meeting began on a late spring day. Lucinda spent two days packing for a special trip after arrangements were made for her to arrive on Americano flight 342. A non-stop flight which began early in the morning. Her traveling also began in the early morning hours, between 5- 6 am. Her excitement and nervousness at times overlapped each other. Never afraid to travel, it was an enlightening experience to sit aboard an airplane and allow someone else to take care of her. The downfall with airplane travel began with luggage and carry on check in. Gate information there after along with the lengthy line to security and through a security checkpoint to her gate.  Spare time came to her when sitting and waiting for her flight to board. It seemed forever. Her imagination went wild with thoughts about what she would say, how she would enter a room. She also imagined how Gerald would look to her in his present condition and age. It was a mental struggle to imagine how she came far. She forgot the importance of her work and dedication.
More than five hours later, Lucinda found her flight coming to an end, it was quite some time to deboard the plane considering the number of passengers that day. Children were fussy. Lucinda brought along her laptop, and cell phone to keep her entertained. Her nerves never ceased to allow her to forget where she was and why she was there. Through the jetway and into her connecting gate Lucinda walked with a steady stride she could muster. Inside the airport, she walked to the baggage claim area. Clementine Airport was backed by a fruitful history. Travel was revolutionizing. In the next five years it would join many International airports throughout the United States and go through a tedious reconstruction.  Standing and waiting for her baggage was a slow process, it came into view after a time. Walking through the airport and to the front entrance of automated sliding doors, Lucinda walked out to the area for a taxicab. The classic yellow cab and its transformation did not distort its ability to roll through cities since its humble beginning. Reservations for a local motel in the area would provide Lucinda a place away from Silas, Missouri if only for the short time. The Gold Star Hotel was a popular inexpensive place to stay. Gold Star Motel provided the necessary and some modern necessities of everyone visiting from the overnighter to the long-distance traveler. Instructions on where to find the simple gray and white trim with three white columns at the front entrance home were as described from Catalina in a latest email correspondence. Lucinda unpacked her suitcases for two weeks and sketched out anything she would like to ask Gerald.




Lucinda checked on the fan page as any other day. She was able to relax while she searched, eating a takeout dinner. It was amazing to imagine what the next two weeks would bring. She would first focus on meeting the man himself, it would not stop the random thoughts through her head about initially meeting him. She knew he would be tall, maybe he was wearing eyeglasses, maybe he had facial hair or no facial hair, his hair could be completely white with specks of black. It was difficult to say if a sun kissed tan from California remained or if it had lightened with time and age. He was surely to be handsome and charming. It was true he was not only a father but a grandfather. He was well educated and spoke well, lending his voice to things that mattered to him. Parts of the world saw him mostly as a screen idol and sex symbol in their own rights. Lucinda clearly saw him as more than cinema could ever discover. Indeed, Gerald was talented and brought to life characters that often brought on real emotions. His secret became his fondness for books. He studied the script intently, researched the background of his characters, including places and people. He wanted to know every detail. It would help his character become rich and show an in-depth way who they were. His support system was not only his children, but his wife Vera, who he loved very much. She went with him everywhere, from the sound stages to location shoots. The Papillons were madly in love with each other and Gerald knew he found his soulmate in Vera. She spoke English well with hints of a French accent.
It was custom for Lucinda to look over the page with a fine detail, she was responsible with everything that was published, down to the intent of the writings. Respect of Gerald Papillon was most important. After dinner, Lucinda turned on the television, a flat screen in the room. The background of home renovations which seemed to be the most interesting thing to watch on tv soon became distorted by her interest in listening to some of Gerald’s speeches and intently listening to his eloquent, even toned manner. He seemed at ease with every word. He radiated a confidence that should have expelled from everyone.  In truth Gerald learned to speak eloquently by practicing and every step of the way gaining confidence no one could give him. She adored hearing him speak; it should have served as a confidence she needed. The late night brought an early morning. Lucinda could not sleep much during the night and leaped out of bed to begin preparing herself to visit the home of Mr. Gerald Papillon. Her nerves once again overlapped her happiness. She showered and dressed in a simple black casual suit, tying her white dressy t shirt special for the ensemble. Ballet flats were a must for this specific trip. She dried and styled her hair, pinning it halfway and spraying it for the extra hold she felt she might need. She double checked her directions, her handbag and assured that she would have a fully charged phone, a stand-alone charger was placed inside her handbag. Along with carrying a folder with her pens and paper.
Arriving before noon, it seemed most convenient to allow Gerald and his wife Vera to prepare for the guest of honor. Lucinda experienced every color, object, and sound as she traveled to Sage Brush Valley and The Papillon Home. Catalina at the time would not be there to greet her as originally planned. It caused her more nervousness. How could she put herself through such torment, knowing what attention the fan page brought her? The fact that Gerald and his wife Vera wanted to meet her was indeed an honor not only for Lucinda but for The Papillons as well.
The taxicab began to turn into a half circle driveway to the front door of the house in which was described to Lucinda. It was a simple but elegant home. The landscape was simple and kept neat. It seemed as if a home purchased years ago had never aged at all with the gray paint and white trim. The white columns giving it an upper class feel of elegance. A side door to the cab opened by the driver, paying him the fare for traveling.  Lucinda began walking with a calm and steady demeanor to the front door. Pushing a button made the chimes come to life and soon a short, petite dark-haired woman with glamour like features appeared. Swallowing, Lucinda introduced herself, and briefly described her reason for the visit. Vera in a returned response to the young woman, politely widened the door for her to walk through. Happy certainly to meet the woman who had become talk in The Papillon household. Lucinda could not fathom meeting Gerald’s wife. Vera was very pleasant and friendly. Closing the door behind them she left Lucinda briefly to notify her loving husband the arrival of their guest. Lucinda’s heart continued to beat rapidly, and her nervousness turned her cheeks a pale pink.

.

Offline PIJ1951

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 81
Re: Gerald Papillon: Heart & Soul. Part One, Chapter One
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2020, 04:53:40 AM »
My observations, for what they're worth. Take with a pinch of salt.

Quote
How could it have been in an instant that Lucinda Richland would have been afforded a once in a lifetime opportunity to meet American film actor Gerald Papillon?

That's an extremely clunky opening sentence. I don't even know what it's supposed to mean. First impressions are important. My advice, simplify and clarify.

The paragraph that follows is a little haphazard. I appreciate you are trying to reveal her mindset - the stress of air travel coupled with the important task awaiting her. But if this is a short story, you're in danger of allowing the focus to slip (thereby inviting your readers to lose interest).

Quote
She also imagined how Gerald would look to her in his present condition and age. It was a mental struggle to imagine how she came far. She forgot the importance of her work and dedication.

Three disconnected thoughts. The second sentence doesn't really make any sense unless you mean 'to imagine how far she had come' and I'm not sure why she suddenly forgot the importance of her work. Ask yourself what the reader needs to know and what drives the story forwards. Discard anything that doesn't apply.

The following paragraph doesn't take us any further. It continues with the minutiae of arriving at an airport, as if you're trying to build up the word count and fill the white space on the page rather than telling us a story. As I feared, the focus is lost even before you decide to give us a potted history of the airport itself. Really? What does that add to the story? We're sticking with you on this journey so we can watch this unlikely pair meet up, but after 1679 words we're no nearer seeing it happen.

I'll admit I skimmed the rest. Maybe you have chosen an intentionally frustrating narrative style to create an element of suspense (?) or display Lucinda's butterfly-like mind; her attention to minor details and her gushing admiration for Gerald. Apologies if this seems harsh. You are a capable writer but I simply didn't have the patience to spend any more time in Lucinda's company.

Offline Tenacious G

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
Re: Gerald Papillon: Heart & Soul. Part One, Chapter One
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2020, 05:01:27 PM »
"Lucinda unpacked her suitcases for two weeks and sketched out anything she would like to ask Gerald."
I feel like this list would provide a device that would be one of the best ways to give insight into what Lucinda is thinking, what she thinks of Gerald, and what direction the story might take. The streamline consciousness that you wrote is either part of the character development or in need of some cleanup. Either way, a developed list of questions could be a great anchor point to accomplish a lot of things with only a few words. It could also help a lot of us readers want to keep going if we have something to look forward to (Lucinda plans on asking Gerald if she can steal a kiss. Something or anything to help give me direction and motivation to read through your story). Thanks for sharing this with us!

Offline writer99

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 54
Re: Gerald Papillon: Heart & Soul. Part One, Chapter One
« Reply #3 on: Yesterday at 06:10:44 PM »
I think you need to paragraph more carefully to start with.

I'll pick out a few things.

1. Lucinda experienced every color, object, and sound as she traveled to Sage Brush Valley and The Papillon Home Really? Every one?

2. The taxicab began to turn into a half circle driveway to the front door of the house in which was described to Lucinda. This doesn't make any sense?

3. Vera in a returned response to the young woman, politely widened the door for her to walk through. Did she have a heavy hammer handy?

That's just three from the last bit. You need to proof read again and again.

I found the whole thing kind of okay but it was just describing events in a random way. I didn't feel I started to learn about anybody / empathize with anyone.