Author Topic: You Lied!  (Read 453 times)

Offline LunaStar

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You Lied!
« on: May 07, 2020, 01:28:54 PM »
I welcome anyone to try and articulate what this poem is about. Honest feedback on how well it was conveyed would also be greatly appreciated. Thanks...

Endless loops on a dead end street.
Why do you suffer me so?
Oh spark of life,
Oh holy fire.

Bringing false promises of shine,
as you hide in the dark.
Fueling the madness that is held in us all,
while you fool the world
with a story so old.

Oh that great story,
that great and terrible story
of glory and fame,
of love and war.

Stand amongst the chaos and recite your song.
Tell that story to the suffering soul.
Guise your darkness in that cloak of lies.
See how much longer
the world will swoon.

No longer can I join in this charade of fools.
I will stand a far off from your shores,
with your glittering beaches and sunless seas

Oh holy fire
Oh spark of life
Why do you suffer me so?
Oh endless loop
and dead end street
don't suffer my soul
Just leave me be.

Offline ssilvs

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    • another site to track me down & shoot me
Re: You Lied!
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2020, 01:40:24 AM »
its currently 1am where I am so i’m not going to tru to articulate any meaning i’ve picked up BUT i did not notice that it kind of feels like you’re forcing yourself to fit a pattern that doesn’t really work (at least for this poem). The spots where the poem separates into stanzas feels awkward and a little forced—don’t worry so much about fitting into any rhyme scheme or traditional meter verse! it’s ok if your poem is just one big mashed up paragraph lmao
“Nothing more invites a reader than an argument unlooked for” - Robert Burton

“we love art as ruins, a collaboration between the artist and entropy” - jaako pallasvulo
(crossposting is a lil too much work–you can find me here as well )