Author Topic: Warn the poets  (Read 397 times)

Offline Notapoet

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Warn the poets
« on: April 26, 2020, 06:07:18 PM »
Would truly love honest feedback on the poem below and specific ideas/guidance to help this poem realize its full potential. Thank you so much! And note, I am NOT a poet!
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Warn the poets,
Metaphors will always fail us.

For bullet-hard, Yosemite stone is not our strength of will combined;
Those granite walls,
May be climbed; may crack; may fall.

And the world’s greatest explorers did not live the life of adventures we’ve begun,
Exploring but the land; the air; the sea.

Could exploding colors of a desert trip,
Resemble the shades of life we’ll know,
When colors are but fragments of that we cannot see?

And a bath of sunlight after the frozen night,
Is not the warmth you bring my life.
No sun can reach all shadows.

Not a mountain rising from the plains;
Not a drop in the sea;
Not all the stars in the sky;
Nor even you, nor me.
« Last Edit: April 26, 2020, 06:18:25 PM by Notapoet »

Offline LunaStar

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Re: Warn the poets
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2020, 01:08:12 PM »
First of all, it's a beautiful poem.
It took me multiple reads to grasp it's deeper meaning.

You say you are not a poet and then use the word "us" in the first verse as you refer to poets. LoL!
It's a uniquely written piece.

Feel free to disregard these few words of advice:

I feel that the "we've begun" at the end of the sixth line, does not belong and could be omitted, for it adds confusion rather than clarity. Unless that was your intention.

In the tenth line, either you should say "fragments of that which we cannot see" or " fragments of what we cannot see".
I feel like there should be a question mark after "Is not the warmth you bring to my life?"
Then the last line, instead of "Nor even you, nor me" you might try " Not even you, nor me." or "Neither you, nor me."

Just my opinion!
Hope this helps.

Offline Notapoet

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Re: Warn the poets
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2020, 06:18:10 PM »
Thank you so much for your feedback. Great suggestions and I really appreciate it!!

Offline Notapoet

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Re: Warn the poets
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2020, 06:24:00 PM »
Also, out of curiosity, what is the deeper meaning you understood? I'd like to know if I was able to communicate my main point.

Offline LunaStar

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Re: Warn the poets
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2020, 04:12:50 PM »
To be a great poet, it is not strength that you need, but an understanding of life more deep and vase than the adventures of explorers. And even after you've gained this undersanding, poetry is an unfinished art that cannot be summed up with metaphors.
In the end, the art of putting words to things that cannot be explained in words is the paradox of poetry! (No sun can reach all shadows) This seems to be what you are trying to warn the poets about.
However, since you claim not to be a poet, I would just like to say one thing. The focus of poetry is not the words. Words can never describe what we are trying to convey. This is true. We are not working with words, but feelings and concepts far deeper than the language we use. This may or may not be the concept you were trying to convey at all. But the fact that I got it after reading your poem is what is truly amazing!

Please let me know if I was way off. lol