Author Topic: We Were Falling Apart  (Read 223 times)

Offline Marie Meyers

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We Were Falling Apart
« on: April 23, 2020, 04:27:55 PM »
I've morphed into a caterpillar trapped in a cacoon;
face hidden with my arms and my legs,
breathing in this despairing reality
—a cry bubbles deep within; it overflows as silent tremors—

We have cracks in our foundation:
the paint chips and the walls of our home
are falling apart just like our relationship.

Every harsh, cruel word you spoke
merely mirrored my own musings;
the clink of the shot glass slamming against the table
 creates an echo of your billowing voice as I sit alone and weep.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2020, 05:17:49 PM by Marie Meyers »
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Offline ssilvs

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Re: We Were Falling Apart
« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2020, 11:51:29 PM »
i think you're letting your idea overpower your abilities as a writer. it's easy, especially with concepts like this, to lose track of the emotion behind the words in favor of the words themselves. go back over the poem & think more about what you're feeling and what you want the reader to feel–leave grandiose vocabulary behind for a second & i think you'll find that everything flows a little more smoothly :)
“Nothing more invites a reader than an argument unlooked for” - Robert Burton

“we love art as ruins, a collaboration between the artist and entropy” - jaako pallasvulo
(crossposting is a lil too much work–you can find me here as well https://hellopoetry.com/ssilvs/ )