Author Topic: YA Dark Fiction Prologue 5 pages long  (Read 590 times)

Offline Sarakiz

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YA Dark Fiction Prologue 5 pages long
« on: March 30, 2020, 11:39:24 AM »
Hello,

I would like to hear some feedback on my Prologue for my book which will be published within a couple of months. Any comment will do. Thank you and enjoy.
                                                       
                                                       **********************

Prologue
Every tale has a beginning and an end, but only a few remember the tale of Mankind’s true beginning. Long ago, the Heavens and the Earth were One, before they were driven apart, split asunder, creating Life and Humankind as we know it. Humanity was endowed with great intellect, but despite their large brains, Humans did not advance much beyond savage conditions, living among dangerous wild animals, subsisting on whatever food they could find, falling victim to uncured diseases, in addition to the conflicts between them over land, resources, and wealth. The only thing Mankind shared in common was the state of misery their meaningless lives created.

Then, a greater being in the sky handed down a holy book called the Book of Seraphimous in a sudden puff of neon smoke and a burst of bright starlight, when it appeared on a rock in the forest. The light of the book guided everyone to its truths, and the magic of the book was that the more people read it, the brighter its light became. It became so bright that its mere presence was enough to light the darkest caves at the fringes of Human society. The book was filled with knowledge and commandments inspiring Mankind to rule the Earth wisely, resourcefully, and peacefully. Whoever read the beautifully embellished and ornamented parchment pages of the Book of Seraphimous gained knowledge and wisdom beyond all others, accelerating Human development in cultivating and inhabiting the land and building a civilization.

Time passed, and Mankind finally reached a state of harmony that most can only dream about. But then there were some who were dissatisfied. They wanted more, they wanted power over others, and they began looking for something beyond mere settlement. These so-called Anarchists began seeking power and wealth, ignoring the commandments of the Book. They

were full of themselves and their own power. First they stole the Book of Seraphimous from its sacred shrine where Humankind had kept it for about 100 years, back before printing was invented and books were extremely rare and treasured. The Anarchists kept the Book to themselves and began using its wisdom to dig up metals from the Earth, not for farm implements and wheels but to create weapons and armory.

Despite their few numbers, the Anarchists were able to overwhelm the other villagers with their weapons, and they increased their numbers with every conquest, forcing their captives to fight with them. They soon raised a huge army and eventually succeeded in conquering all of Mankind, killing anyone who opposed them. Thus, Mankind gradually returned to the same point where they had started. As the Book was locked up out of sight, its light had dimmed until all its information was erased, leaving the Anarchists with an empty shell of a book, and ever since then the light of the book had never shone again.

A millennium passed, and Mankind had grown into a large kingdom ruled by a king named Almous. The Kingdom had never stopped growing, continually sending Colonists out in every direction looking for resources beyond its borders. Eventually, a group of Colonists went out beyond the horizon to the South and they were never heard from again—no messages sent by trained ravens, nobody reporting back with information and bounty, no word, nothing. This was the first time this had happened. Little did Mankind know that now, beyond their boundaries, lay their greatest threat, a threat they’d never imagined.

Another race had emerged, called Ko’cos, giant beasts twice the size of a man with reptilian skin like an alligator and massive claws. They were led by Dark Lord Kaffer, who was himself a clawless, navy blue-skinned humanoid. He not only looked different from the other Ko’cos, Kaffer’s power was greater than all of his kind combined. He had a book of revelations of his own called the Book of Armagedous, which he kept out of sight and out of reach of everyone, and so he had learned all the secrets of the book himself. The Book of Armagedous contained knowledge and guiding principles that were different from the Book of Seraphimous, but the two books had one important similarity: both books outlined the same task—to rule the Earth. Both races and both books had been released by a devious power setting opposite forces in motion. Because of that, each race despised the other and demonized the other’s thoughts and methods.

War and conflict had naturally arisen over their entrusted revelations, the Human’s Book of Seraphimous versus the Ko’cos Book of Armagedous. Each side believed their book was the correct philosophy, laws, and systems for ruling Earth and that being Earth’s Ruler was their destiny. But, Mankind was at a great disadvantage since the knowledge contained in the book of Seraphimous had been lost.

Despite Mankind’s much greater numbers, both sides suffered heavy casualties in protracted wars, and Humankind was losing. The Ko’cos had the ability to recruit Humans by possessing their bodies with dead Human souls which they re-animated as soldiers. Possessed Humans lost their senses of sight and hearing; they became blind and deaf to all but commands from Kaffer.

Finally, in a desperate attempt to change the odds, Mankind launched its final assault, led by King Almous. Among his mighty army was Almous’s younger brother Rarick, and they set off to destroy the Ko’cos once and for all.

The battle for Extinction of Race dragged on, and King Almous ultimately faced Kaffer in battle. Kaffer had developed skill in using liquid Mercury, which he learned from the book of Armagedous, to perform shape-shifting feats of supernatural strength and to capture and use its astonishing regenerative healing power throughout his body. Liquid Mercury was the source of Kaffer’s strength and gave him a major advantage over Humans, making him almost immortal. Kaffer loved to play with his opponents. He never wore armor but was always open to his opponents, mocking them as he cracked an evil smile, waiting for the moment they would lose their confidence and he could strike them down.

Almous and Kaffer both fought hard on the battlefield, but in the end Almous was struck down by Kaffer. He could not overcome Kaffer's shape-shifting liquid Mercury living weapon. As King Almous lay dying on the battlefield, seeing his younger brother left alone against evil, he desperately prayed to the mighty being in the sky for help.

Miraculously, at that moment, a great meteor fell from the sky, shaking the ground and shocking both races. The meteor was of unknown origin, a mass of jagged pointed crystals with razor-sharp edges. Like millions of prisms, the twinkling crystals refracted the sun in blinding flashes of light in every direction. It just so happened that this crystalline element was Silicatite, a crystal from the stars that emits powerful radiated light that scatters and repels any liquid Mercury in its vicinity. Although Kaffer did not know it yet, his strength was being drawn away just from being near the crystal meteor. He had never known the feeling of being in danger, had always been at the top of the pyramid, and he suspected nothing.

Now Kaffer regarded Rarick as a child, and he mockingly turned his full chest to him for a strike. Prince Rarick made it final. With his armored glove, he leaped to the meteor to break off a crystal that had cracked on impact, and he plunged it into Kaffer’s heart. At first Kaffer hardly noticed and continued smiling mockingly, knowing his liquid Mercury would always heal any wound, no matter how deep and deadly. But this time it was different. In the blink of an eye the pain was more pain than he’d ever experienced. His evil smile turned upside down as he felt shocked and defeated as his vision turned dark. He staggered to gather his living weapon Mercury to strengthen him, but he took only two steps before falling down dead. All his warriors and the entire Ko'cos race had been drawing power from Kaffer, and now they also suddenly lost all their strength and started wilting and crumpling down wherever they were, and with that the Ko’cos were overpowered by the forces of Mankind and defeated.

Mankind’s jubilation at defeating Kaffer and his Ko’cos was tempered by grief knowing that King Almous lay dying on the battlefield. But suddenly, a beam of light split the sky. In that moment, a miracle occurred: King Almous’s lifeless body rose up as the great being in the sky descended to Earth to resurrect and inhabit Almous’s body in order to ensure Mankind would always follow the commandments of the Book of Seraphimous. He called himself The Envoyer, who was now immortal, and the Kingdom was passed down to Rarick. King Rarick now ruled the entire realm, while The Envoyer became the guider of all mankind. The Envoyer attracted the people’s devoted admiration and respect and became the center of the first religion. The people worshipped him for saving them from the evil Ko’cos demons that had been destroying them.

Mankind celebrated, but little did they know they still hadn’t won the war. At the moment of death, Kaffer had transformed into a Dark Spirit that lingered as a kind of mist only long enough to swear vengeance on Humanity:

“I will return and I will take over the soul of one of your own!” And then it vaporized.

The Dark Spirit then began roaming the land, seeking the Human he would possess to wreak his vengeance.
And with that, the tale of Sarakiz Dicepair begins.

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: YA Dark Fiction Prologue 5 pages long
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2020, 05:45:42 AM »
Feel free to ignore what follows, but I fear you are starting off on the wrong foot.

Most publishers dislike Prologues. Too often they serve as an info dump placed at the beginning of the book to bring your readers up to speed with the background and the setting before the 'real story' starts. Your example is particularly heavy going and the writing style is extremely telling. This happened then that happened then something else happened. It's not the best way to write a story if you want your readers to engage with the plot and characters.

I felt overwhelmed by it all - so many strange names, so many hundreds of years passing by in a flash, so much conflict and the miraculous arrival of the book and the meteor - both incidents were too far-fetched to take seriously. The prologue does you no favours. Indeed, if what follows is as wearying you will attract few if any potential readers.

My advice, keep this prologue up your sleeve so you can refer back to it when writing your story. Any parts that need incorporating in the 'real story' can be drip fed into the plot as it unfolds. But I'd advise against publishing any book with this prologue. If it's the first thing your readers see, they are unlikely to continue reading and find out for themselves what happened next. Your story should begin with Chapter 1 where something is happening right now to your current cast of characters. Whatever happened in the past is best left in the past.

Offline Sarakiz

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Re: YA Dark Fiction Prologue 5 pages long
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2020, 10:49:56 AM »
Feel free to ignore what follows, but I fear you are starting off on the wrong foot.

Most publishers dislike Prologues. Too often they serve as an info dump placed at the beginning of the book to bring your readers up to speed with the background and the setting before the 'real story' starts. Your example is particularly heavy going and the writing style is extremely telling. This happened then that happened then something else happened. It's not the best way to write a story if you want your readers to engage with the plot and characters.

I felt overwhelmed by it all - so many strange names, so many hundreds of years passing by in a flash, so much conflict and the miraculous arrival of the book and the meteor - both incidents were too far-fetched to take seriously. The prologue does you no favours. Indeed, if what follows is as wearying you will attract few if any potential readers.

My advice, keep this prologue up your sleeve so you can refer back to it when writing your story. Any parts that need incorporating in the 'real story' can be drip fed into the plot as it unfolds. But I'd advise against publishing any book with this prologue. If it's the first thing your readers see, they are unlikely to continue reading and find out for themselves what happened next. Your story should begin with Chapter 1 where something is happening right now to your current cast of characters. Whatever happened in the past is best left in the past.

Thank you for your comment which I will defiantly consider it.

Offline Olesia

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Re: YA Dark Fiction Prologue 5 pages long
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2020, 06:46:20 AM »
Hi Sarakiz,

Welcome to My Writers Circle, we appreciate you sharing some of your work with us!

To make things more personal we would love to learn more about you, please post an intro on the Welcome Board. Let us know what part of the world you're in, some background on your writing journey and how you found us.

Looking forward to having you as part of the community


Offline pclark333

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Re: YA Dark Fiction Prologue 5 pages long
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2020, 07:14:05 PM »
Hi Sarakiz,
Just a bit of random input for consideration.  It can be tough on your feelings to get feedback but taking it account can help make your writing more smooth and enjoyable to read.  Beta readers have been tough but crazy helpful for me.

>  "Split asunder" sounds redundant because the words mean about the same thing.
>  You described the early people as savage, simple gatherers so I assumed they wouldn't be reading, but then the book arrives and they dig it.  Can you change the description of the early people so that it seems like they've developed the ability to read?
>  This god in the sky seems like a Stephen King "Under the Dome" kind of alien having fun with the little folks below because its work is so finely detailed and thought-out - a philosophy book in their language and a meteor with just the right qualities for instance!  It makes me wonder if alien interference is going to be a plotline.  (Sorry for the "Under the Dome" spoiler if you haven't read it.  It's a good book.  A gopher gets split in half by the sudden appearance of the dome early on, if I remember correctly.)
>  Does the book literally glow?  It's not clear.
>  You wrote that Kaffer's power is greater than all of his kind combined, but his kind is a race which means thousands or millions.  That's an unimaginable amount of power.
>  Employing liquid mercury starts me thinking this will be a sci-fi book, but the mercury can do things like heal his body which sounds more magical than scientific.  So that left me confused.
>  Magical elements need explanation.  A dude turned into a Dark Spirit.  Can anyone do that by twitching their nose or is this a special trick you can buy in the back room of the magic shop if you ask for Bob?

If you make changes, is there a chance you could post again with your revised work?  It's really fascinating to see how writers revise things.