Author Topic: Beginning of a pilot  (Read 5500 times)

Offline smann36

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
Beginning of a pilot
« on: February 05, 2020, 09:16:15 AM »
Hi everyone! Hope you enjoy, any feedback is more than welcome!
Can't wait to get reading on what everyone's posted! Good luck!

Offline smann36

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
Re: Beginning of a pilot
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2020, 04:06:15 PM »
INT . PUB - NIGHT

A DRUNK MAN sits at the bar with an empty seat beside him.

He's VERY drunk, attempting to order another shot of whiskey.

In the background sits a MAN - noticing the mess.

A phone vibrates and lights up on the bar. The man shoots back his whiskey and picks up the phone. Squinting his eyes to focus on the text.

It's a picture... It's blurry... It's a dick pic!?

A WOMAN reaches in and grabs the phone from his hand. He turns around and knocks her to the floor - the phone goes flying out of her hand.

The DRUNK MAN gets punched in the face and falls flat on the ground.

We reveal the MAN sitting at the table earlier.

MAN
(Extending his hand to the woman on the ground)

You alright?

WOMAN

I didn't need you to do that.

MAN

Not exactly why I did it

She gets up without accepting his hand for help.

In the background a few security guards escort the DRUNK MAN out of the bar.

WOMAN

That man just broke my fucking face, you know, not the right time to be trying to pick me up.

MAN

No... I was just trying to pick you up

WOMAN

I JUST said, NOT the right time to pick me up.


She dusts off her dress and heads towards an empty table with a half empty beer unattended.

She grabs the beer and chugs whatever's left.

The man watches and is amazed. He quietly signals the bar for two more.


WOMAN

Was this mine?

MAN

No...

WOMAN

Fuck



The waitress comes by and hands the MAN the two beers.

He hands the WOMAN her beer.



MAN

Here - a fresh one.



They clink bottles and take a sip



WOMAN

Thank you, for this. (Nods her head toward the stool on the ground from the fall earlier) and that.



She takes another huge gulp of her beer - the man signals for two more without her attention.



WOMAN (cont.)

This isn't a normal thing for me, you know. I'm not in bar's every week getting smacked in the face just waiting for some handsome dude to come along and save me. I don't NEED saving - I'm the saver. I can take care of myself, AND you. Not you - you. The metaphorical you. The you which is-

MAN

Like a life saver. (extremely proud of himself)

WOMAN

What?

MAN

Life saver - you said you don't need saving, you're the saver.

WOMAN

Oh, and not cause I'm sweet?

MAN

I was JUST about to get to that!


The waitress comes by and places another beer on the table


WOMAN

Tryna get me drunk?



The WOMAN takes a swig of her drink - spilling a little, letting it drip down her chin.


WOMAN (cont.)

er!

MAN

You're gonna need it if you wanna forget about the pain

WOMAN
(Sarcastically)

Which pain?


She points to her face... Her heart... Her vagina..

The man chuckles and a light bulb turns on above his head.


MAN

Come with me.






EXT. Park. Night.

The MAN and WOMAN walk through a dimly lit park.

The MAN is scanning the ground looking for something.

WOMAN

Should I be concerned? I thought we'd be in your car half way through our third time by now. WHAT are we looking for can you please just tell me!

MAN
(disgusted)

I'm not gonna fuck you in my car

WOMAN
(disappointed)

uh-

MAN

We'll just go to my place for that - I live 5 minutes away.

WOMAN
(excited)

aah-

The MAN and WOMAN share a look.

They slowly move closer.

Their lips are just about to touch as...

The MANS eyes widen- he turns his head and walks off screen.

We watch as the woman stands there - confused and let down.

The MAN comes running back towards her.

Man

Let's go!

END.

Offline BaileyNeve

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 15
Re: Beginning of a pilot
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2021, 03:47:40 AM »
Ummm....yikes.

This was really a disorienting and cliche read. The biggest issue I have with this is there's no story whatsoever. Just some lady getting rocked by some drunk asshole then leaves to fuck the guy that "saved" her. What's the story? What are you trying to set up? I don't know or care about any of these characters any more than I did before I knew they existed. It's just boring.

"INT . PUB - NIGHT

A DRUNK MAN sits at the bar with an empty seat beside him.

He's VERY drunk, attempting to order another shot of whiskey.

In the background sits a MAN - noticing the mess.

A phone vibrates and lights up on the bar. The man shoots back his whiskey and picks up the phone. Squinting his eyes to focus on the text."


This scene is just flat-out confusing. You differentiate between two nameless men by referring to them as "MAN" and "DRUNK MAN". If either one of these men is going to be a recurring character in your program, just state their name outright. Keeping them essentially anonymous by referring to them as "MAN" & "DRUNK MAN" is not only boring, but it jumbles your action lines and makes them extremely difficult to follow. Which man is doing which action? This needs to be much, much, clearer.

"A phone vibrates and lights up on the bar. The man shoots back his whiskey and picks up the phone. Squinting his eyes to focus on the text.

It's a picture... It's blurry... It's a dick pic!?

A WOMAN reaches in and grabs the phone from his hand. He turns around and knocks her to the floor - the phone goes flying out of her hand.

The DRUNK MAN gets punched in the face and falls flat on the ground."


So many questions. What is the significance of the dick pic? Is it just for shock value? Is it meant to be comedic? Who is it from?

That leads me to my next question, which is: Who's fucking phone is it? Is it the drunk man's? If so, why is this random lady just grabbing it out of his hand? And if it's her phone, why is he picking it up off the bar in the first place? At this point, we don't know which of these characters was meant to receive this picture, and worse, we don't know why. It isn't referenced at any other point in the script.

This also makes the next action line weird and confusing. Even if this random lady is taking his phone unprovoked, it seems unbelievable and excessive that he would just knock her ass to the floor (she later states that "He broke my fucking face", so did she just get pushed or did he straight up cold cock her in the mouth?????).

"We reveal the MAN sitting at the table earlier.

MAN
(Extending his hand to the woman on the ground)

You alright?

WOMAN

I didn't need you to do that.

MAN

Not exactly why I did it

She gets up without accepting his hand for help.

In the background a few security guards escort the DRUNK MAN out of the bar.

WOMAN

That man just broke my fucking face, you know, not the right time to be trying to pick me up.

MAN

No... I was just trying to pick you up

WOMAN

I JUST said, NOT the right time to pick me up."


This dialogue is just so bad. It's cliche, formulaic, and utterly predictable.

It seems slightly strange that she's so resistant to this man's help while being generally callous, and yet, a few lines down she's flirting with him and is leaving the bar to go fuck him? It makes that terse exchange at the beginning null and void since she's already shown that she's kind of a pushover and easily persuaded.

"WOMAN (cont.)

This isn't a normal thing for me, you know. I'm not in bar's every week getting smacked in the face just waiting for some handsome dude to come along and save me. I don't NEED saving - I'm the saver. I can take care of myself, AND you. Not you - you. The metaphorical you. The you which is-

MAN

Like a life saver. (extremely proud of himself)

WOMAN

What?

MAN

Life saver - you said you don't need saving, you're the saver.

WOMAN

Oh, and not cause I'm sweet?

MAN

I was JUST about to get to that!


The waitress comes by and places another beer on the table


WOMAN

Tryna get me drunk?



The WOMAN takes a swig of her drink - spilling a little, letting it drip down her chin.


WOMAN (cont.)

er!

MAN

You're gonna need it if you wanna forget about the pain

WOMAN
(Sarcastically)

Which pain?


She points to her face... Her heart... Her vagina..

The man chuckles and a light bulb turns on above his head.


MAN

Come with me."


Just, ew. None of this makes sense and is just...gross? It seems like you're going for a witty/flirtatious banter between these two but it comes off like two 7th graders who have never conversed with someone of the opposite sex before. It's not cute or charming, it's trite and excruciatingly boring.

"WOMAN
(Sarcastically)

Which pain?


She points to her face... Her heart... Her vagina.."


I mean, is this supposed to be a joke? Why would she be feeling pain in her heart or vagina in this instance? What are you even trying to convey here?

"EXT. Park. Night.

The MAN and WOMAN walk through a dimly lit park.

The MAN is scanning the ground looking for something.

WOMAN

Should I be concerned? I thought we'd be in your car halfway through our third time by now. WHAT are we looking for can you please just tell me!"

Like how is she so horny already? She was literally punched in the face 15 minutes ago, and was scolding the dude she so desperately wanting to fuck now. This is just so brutally lazy.

"The MAN and WOMAN share a look.

They slowly move closer.

Their lips are just about to touch as...

The MANS eyes widen- he turns his head and walks off screen.

We watch as the woman stands there - confused and let down.

The MAN comes running back towards her.

Man

Let's go!

END."


WHAT EVEN IS THIS?

They're about to kiss. Okay. Sounds good.

But what causes his eyes to widen and why does he walk off-screen? You offer absolutely zero explanation for this action.

"The MAN comes running back towards her.

Man

Let's go!

END."


AGAIN, WHY DID HE LEAVE AND WHY IS HE RUNNING BACK TO HER? WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING? You have to explain this shit. We can't read your mind.

Brother, you've got a lot of work to do. There is no story or conflict, and these characters are about as alluring as piss-soaked cardboard. Keep writing.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2021, 03:52:36 AM by BaileyNeve »

Offline RobbieTheRobot

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 2
Re: Beginning of a pilot
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2021, 12:35:16 AM »
BaileyNeve said everything I would have said only a lot better.