Author Topic: If it Never Rained  (Read 1335 times)

Offline AntonioM

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If it Never Rained
« on: January 02, 2020, 07:18:33 PM »
If it Never Rained

If it wasn't for space and time, there'd be no you and I.
I write summer in your shaded eyes, a distant thunderstorm; lightning striking twice.
Careful, warm, breezy breaths, pushing through the tree of Life,
Mineral and oil bathed skin sparkles like an evening rain shower from the West, oh we see your brilliance- let the shadows fall at your back as you plunder souls and leave village men like me weak and longing for better understanding-- only to see you, again.
If there is no time, and just this space, how silly of me to take for granted summer storms on a winter's night.
We slept like elders waiting for the weather to pass, fools not seeing the weather in each other's eyes. I saw summer. Maybe you are curled up,
like a widower waiting for the fire to burn out, one last time-- oh, but wasn't there a storm in your eye when we fell out of space into each other's arms on a farm in Nicaragua, mangoes and avocados,
living in the rain?
« Last Edit: January 04, 2020, 08:25:43 AM by AntonioM »
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Offline DGSquared

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Re: If it Never Rained
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2020, 01:05:15 AM »
Hi, Antonio. I see where you're going in this but I think you could tighten it up a bit with fewer words to give it some punch. .




Just my opinion.


 :) ~Deb
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every passerby leaves a mark. -Chinese proverb

Blondesplosion! ~Deb

Offline AntonioM

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Re: If it Never Rained
« Reply #2 on: January 06, 2020, 08:43:29 PM »
If it Never Rained

If it wasn't for space and time
there'd be no summer in your shaded eyes.
A distant thunderstorm; lightning striking twice, careful, warm, breezy breaths, pushing through the tree of Life,

Mineral and oil bathed skin,
a sparkling rain shower from the west,
oh, your brilliance floods my memory.

If there is no time, and just this space,
how silly of me to take for granted
summer storms on a winter's night.

We slept like elders waiting for the weather to pass,
fools, not seeing the weather in each other's eyes.
I saw summer.

Maybe you are curled up, like a
widower waiting for the fire to burn out--
Oh, but wasn't there a storm in your eye,
when we fell out of space,
on to a farm in Nicaragua,
mangoes and avocados,
living in the rain?
« Last Edit: January 07, 2020, 02:06:07 AM by AntonioM »
ARM

Offline writeconts

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Re: If it Never Rained
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2020, 02:27:32 PM »
You really improved it greatly with your edit.

Great line here:
"how silly of me to take for granted
summer storms on a winter's night."

Seems like we go from winter to summer again a bit abruptly.

Offline dlp

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Re: If it Never Rained
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2020, 12:36:28 AM »
wonderful edit-great job