Author Topic: Find Me in the Outside  (Read 91 times)

Offline ChabnerKerp

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Find Me in the Outside
« on: December 29, 2019, 11:37:28 PM »
Hyoth walked for hours up the tallest hill in Gualos to find a cabin said to be inhabited by Lither-Cagni, an old mage who knew the answers to any questions one could think up. A week earlier, Hyoth got a letter in the mail from his late husband that seemed normal all the way until the last line:

“Find me in the Outside.”

He had no idea what it meant, but after another read, Hyoth was sure the letter was peppered with hints that he had no context to understand. All the stories made Lither-Cagni seem like an all-knowing, cold-hearted mage who only spoke in facts and detested feelings, so Hyoth was a little unnerved as he approached the cabin. He hoped he would really get the answers he needed.

He knocked only once and the door flew open.

“Good evening,” an old man said with a smile. His white hair was cut short and slicked against his head with what looked like days of built-up grease.

Hyoth put his hand out. “Good evening, sir. Are you Lither-Cagni?”

The old man nodded. “Most people who know me call me LC,” he said. “Would you like to come in?”

Hyoth was shocked at how welcoming he was. “Yes, sir. I would actually. I’ve been walking all day.”

“I have some hot water going if you’d like a cup of tea.” Lither-Cagni guided Hyoth inside. Hyoth set his bag on the floor as they sat in the kitchen. Lither-Cagni made two cups of tea.

“I’ve come here for a specific reason, sir,” Hyoth said finally. He scratched at the lacquer on the table.

“Oh, I know,” LC said as he sipped his cup of tea. “You’re here about the letter you got.”

Hyoth gasped. “So, you’re real?!”

LC sighed and stood up. “I hoped you would have had a different reaction. I have a rule against helping folks just looking to confirm rumors.”

“No!” Hyoth shouted. “I’m here to find out what my husband meant when he wrote ‘find me in the Outside’. I heard you were the one to ask.”

LC sat back down. “You may think that’s different, but I know you’ll go back and tell everyone the scary magician on the hill is real and you saw it with your own eyes.”

Hyoth balled his fists. “You don’t understand,” he said. “I need to know, and I know you can help me. Are you going to make this more difficult than it needs to be?”

LC raised his hand and a the table cracked in half. “Leave now.”

Hyoth jumped on LC and bit hard into his neck. “Tell me now or I’ll tear your carotid artery out of your neck.”

LC whimpered. “I don’t know. I really, really don’t know.”

Hyoth bit his neck harder only stopping when he tasted blood. “Wanna change that answer?” Lither-Cagni remained silent.

Hyoth slammed Lither-Cagni’s head into the floor and let him fall limp. “Stay down!” he shouted and grabbed his bag. He pulled out a can of gas and started pouring it around the outside of the cabin.

“Looks like you didn’t know everything after all,” Hyoth said. “I guess I’ll try to find the next legend.”

He lit the fire with a match from his pocket and walked into the forest. He’d have to walk for hours to get back down the biggest hill in Gualos.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 07:53:44 PM by ChabnerKerp »
~T.C.

Offline jadynm1234567

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Re: Find Me in the Outside
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2019, 02:04:54 PM »
Well... That escalated quickly. I would definitely add some build up there. It went from a pleasant conversation to a horror story really fast, and it makes the writing seem really rushed. You have some good detail, like with LC's hair, so you are definitely capable of conveying emotion more slowly. I'd make him first try to reason, then beg, become frustrated, and, finally, start the build up to aggressive. You want a similar build up for LC; first he's pleasant, then irritated, then defiant, cautious, and then afraid. It's definitely an interesting twist that your character is actually unhinged, but don't give it away so suddenly. Make it subtle, build it up, and then it's much less of a shock to your readers and is intriguing instead. You're doing great! Keep up the good work
« Last Edit: December 30, 2019, 02:06:59 PM by jadynm1234567 »

Offline ChabnerKerp

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Re: Find Me in the Outside
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2019, 08:15:31 PM »
Thanks for the tip! I always have a hard time with subtlety.
~T.C.