Author Topic: New new  (Read 395 times)

Offline LowkeyToshi

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New new
« on: December 10, 2019, 01:09:53 AM »
Vibrations of uncertainty subside with each days end. Raise with the sun and fade at dusk. A familiar amongst strangers, but not lonely. Everyone exists as a stranger in this world. Ask someone about themselves it’s always a elevator pitch of humility and self-righteous projections. Hubris ambition melting into hope and evaporate into truth, cascaded as reality pours down clearly into a precise realization; time is moving fast and there ain’t a god damn thing you can do about it.

I use to come here in college with a girl named Mayra. Myra, raw and exposed, beautifully fragile like the underbelly of coral snake. Slowly curling slurred words past misaligned teeth stacked like dirty white dinner plates waiting to be washed. Syllables wrapping around the back of my neck inch up and rest on the crown of my skull. My mouth feels numb. The hairs of my neck aroused. She never wore deodorant. A heavy warm fragrance that offends me, turns me on like a lover fucking, near climax. Grabbing you by throat, licking your lips and spitting into your mouth for the first time. All at once repulsed, offended, and understood. Nature is sacred. A harmony I did not want to disturb but would rather appreciate. Im just a tourist. I can’t believe how fast she gets wasted. She nervous and she likes me. She wants to show me she trusts me. But I can’t trust her. Anyone too willing to trust me makes me feel uncomfortable.

She’s the most beautiful person I’ve met. Her face is soft and round like a vision in the dessert my Sunday School teacher mrs Vanessa. Lovely and delicate. Devoid of a sharp feature. She is young. I am older. Not by much but it means something. I remind her of her dad, she tells me. He was a drunk always looking for new work and In love with life. He’s a musician and she picks him up from gigs when he’s had to much to drink. I feel guilt and shame. I’m not in a good place. I’m separated from my lover trying to move past the time in between now and our next attempt. A long slow dance. She cannot save me. We can be friends. We hang out a couple times a week do things that couples do years past their initial meeting when it’s moved from lust into companionship. We are friends. I am a fool. We kiss. I stop. We stop. I move. We hang out. still friends. We get drunk. We fuck. I stop talking to her. I’m a saint. She moves to Germany and gets married. I congratulate her. She tell me to visit her if I ever come to Berlin. I won’t make it out of California.

Your favorite record bought at a yard sale, warped and scratch but too precious to toss. played over and over again trying not to notice the silence or repetition between the needle and vinyl. The retro sting of adjusting the arm that skips all of your favorite parts. You know the words all already. It’s just a enough to keep you happy. That’s love. It’s still fucked though.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2019, 04:19:59 AM by LowkeyToshi »

Offline bboops23

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Re: New new
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2019, 10:42:01 PM »
So to be blunt, I have no clue what you're writing here as you didn't give any context.

However, I enjoy it. It's well written and full of powerful emotions. You changed the spelling of Mayra/Myra in the second paragraph. But I really enjoy your writing style. Keep it up.

I really got a good feel for the love this guy still feels for his presumably first love.

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: New new
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2019, 07:36:10 AM »
I'm also at a loss regarding what this is meant to be. It reads like a reflection on lost love - an exercise in navel-gazing. But it's too intensely personal to allow most readers to engage with. These are the kind of introverted musings we usually scribble in a journal during our adolescence then lock away in a drawer, never to be read or shared. I don't see much here that will resonate with a wider audience.

Offline Polly Lynn

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Re: New new
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2019, 07:23:03 PM »
New new

Reader wants old then new
Reader want time and place then detail.

I use to come here in college with a girl named Mayra.
In college I used to come here with Mayra.

dessert my Sunday School teacher mrs.
desert my Sunday School teacher Mrs.

In love
in love

We hang out a couple times a week do things
We hang out a couple times a weeks, do things

Can you check all your sentences to make sure they are not run on sentences?  Between each clause you need a comma followed by and (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).  Or clause, clause, and clause. 

Polly

Offline jadynm1234567

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Re: New new
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2020, 01:21:35 PM »
So I don't really understand what's happening. You have a poetic style, and some good description, but it's a little rambling and all over the place. If you add a couple sentences at the beginning about lost love, then that would make it a lot more clear. Also, if you want it to be more story like, I'd include dialogue. This forces you to make a timeline, and will make the sequence of events a lot clearer. I think you're trying to switch between the present and the past, and if you are doing that, I'd be really careful to clarify that.

Good luck!