Author Topic: Removed  (Read 350 times)

Offline WilsonJWilson

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Removed
« on: November 16, 2019, 08:22:12 PM »
Removed
« Last Edit: November 21, 2019, 04:01:38 AM by WilsonJWilson »

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: Apologies. Have posted story here. Appreciate feedback of possible.
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2019, 06:39:32 AM »
I enjoyed this. It's very well written and there's a poignancy that creeps up on the reader as we absorb subtle hints of what is to come.

A few minor observations, if I may.

You spell 'flak' with a CK early on in the story then correct the typo later.

One paragraph is written in present tense and I'm not sure why.
Quote
My body rolls between the wheels, Machla and I make our way back home, silently into the alcove and under the sheets. Mama wakes us with hot milk and grain bread. Papa kisses our foreheads before setting off for the day.
Maybe it's a dream sequence but it didn't really work that way for me.

This is confusing:
Quote
“There is nothing left of her!” Mama had to drag him away.
Presumably Maxime is badly injured, but I assumed Papa was refering to Machla since Maxime is a boy. When we discover the little girl has vanished his comment makes no sense.

You tell us Papa had 'taken to drink' - but that's usually a gradual process whereas here it happens in the space of a single day by the look of it.

The closing line doesn't fit smoothly with the rest of the story - even though it provides context and resolution. We are suddenly confronted by 'the author' rather than Maxime (the narrator throughout) and it jars. Even though this reads like an authentic memoir, I would suggest a more subtle reference towards the final outcome. You also pose the question whether or not this is suitable as a YA piece. I'm sure it will appeal to the more mature YA reader - most of whom expect a little more action or intrigue.

Thanks for sharing.

Offline WilsonJWilson

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Re: Apologies. Have posted story here. Appreciate feedback of possible.
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 07:05:05 AM »
Thank so much for your well considered feedback. Very helpful indeed.