Author Topic: Alien’s Best Friend (first draft so far)  (Read 342 times)

Offline crazycreature

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Alien’s Best Friend (first draft so far)
« on: September 21, 2019, 02:32:29 PM »
(A quick note before the story, I didn’t describe any of the characters in my story yet cause I’m not that good at working in descriptions yet. So please keep that in mind thanks)

Maddison pushed her way through the bushes, Beatrix following close behind. The forest was dark and quiet. The only sound that could be heard were the chirps of crickets as they sang in the moonlight. Beatrix watched her friend wander aimlessly through the trees. Looking around in every direction. Beatrix sighed, knowing how long it could take to convince her friend she was wrong.

“Maddy, let's go back. We’ve been looking for ages but haven’t found anything. You probably just imagined hearing something.” Beatrix said. Placing a hand on Maddy’s shoulder to stop her.
Maddy had dragged her out here convinced that she heard a strange sound. Beatrix believed her at first, but the farther they walked the quieter it became. She was now convinced that this was just Maddy’s overactive imagination.

“But I was so sure I heard something!” Maddy argued, her annoyance rising.

“Like how you thought your house was haunted when food kept disappearing. But it turned out it was just your brother sneaking snacks in the middle of the night.” Beatrix replied. Using a logical tone rather than being snarky like how most would say that. Maddy grumbled. She hated to admit that maybe Bea was right. But she was right so often it was hard to argue with her.

“Fine, let's go-“ Maddy began, but was cut off abruptly. A loud sound echoed through the forest, causing both girls to jump. They whipped around to where the sound came from. Still and quiet as they listened. It was a thudding, metallic sound
similar to that of metal doors opening. It seemed to be coming from deeper into the forest. Just about where the field was. After a few more moments the sound stopped. The last echoes of it fading into silence. Maddy stood up straight. A large grin on her face and excitement in her eyes.

“I knew it! I knew I heard something!” Maddy exclaimed, pointing towards the field. Beatrix watched as Maddy bounced eagerly. It wasn’t very often that Maddy was right about anything. But of all the things to be right about, this was the strangest. Before Beatrix could even process what that sound could have possibly been, Maddy took off running towards the field.

“Wait!” Beatrix called after her. She chased her, hoping to catch her before she got there. By the time she caught up, however, Maddy was already standing in the middle of the field.
“Are you crazy!?” Beatrix scolded, panting between sentences. “You shouldn’t just run towards weird, potentially dangerous noises!”

“But there’s nothing here!” Maddy snapped. Frustration gnawing at her.

“Huh?” Beatrix looked around and Indeed the field was empty. Her mind whirled as she tried to piece together what was going on, but no conclusion she came to made any sense.

“Ugh, forget it! Let’s just go home!” Maddy growled, turning around to head home. Beatrix hesitated, still wondering what that sound could have possibly been. She turned to leave, glancing one final time at the empty field. She had only walked a few steps when suddenly a bright beam of light shone down on her. She gasped causing Maddy to whip around. Beatrix looked where the light was coming from, using her hand to block out some of the light. Beatrix’s heart beat faster when she found where the light came from. A bright white hole in the sky. They were both frozen. Starring up in shock. Beatrix started to feel weightless, and with a stab of terror realized she was being lifted off the ground! She gazed around wildly. Searching for anything to grab onto.

“M-Maddy! Help me!” She cried as soon as she saw her. Maddy ran forward without hesitation and grabbed Bea’s outstretched hand. She pulled. Her feet digging into the ground. Maddy’s efforts made no difference to the beam. Beatrix kept floating up as if nothing had changed. Maddy gasped as her feet ceased to touch the ground. She kicked frantically, hoping to somehow dislodge them. Every effort in vain. In a matter of seconds, they reached the top of the beam. It pulled them into the bright circle they had seen in the sky and up into a large metal room, previously unseen from the outside. The floor closed under them with the same booming noise they had heard before. The beam disappeared. Dropping them onto the floor. They gasped and panted. Their quick breathes matching their frantic heartbeat. They tried to look around the room, but it was pitch black.

“We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die! We’re gonna die!” Maddy spouted, holding her head and rocking. Panic turning her brain to mush.

“Stop it! Shut up!” Beatrix shouted. Grabbing her friends shoulders to stop her from rocking. She hadn’t meant to be so harsh. But she couldn’t stand to hear those words being uttered, for fear it might be true. After all, if Maddy had been right about the noise what else could she be right about? They froze as a door to the far side of the room opened and the lights turned on. Two strange, alien creatures stepped into the room. One wearing a helmet and holding a weapon similar to a spear. The other wearing only a coat of some sort. A screen floating in front of it. For a moment all were still. The only movement came from the alien in the coat as it appeared to be taking notes on its floating screen. As soon as the alien finished writing the armed alien began walking closer to the two girls. The girls crawled backwards until they hit the wall. Panic rising as it got closer. Maddy threw her arm protectively over Beatrix. Though her entire body quivered in fear. The alien stopped in front of them. Making no other move. They started up at it. Curiosity starting to overweight their fear. The alien in the coat began jotting down notes again. As though it was very interested in every move they did or didn’t make.

“Are we…research subjects?” Beatrix mumbled. Taking just as careful notes of the aliens as they were of them.

“Does that mean we’re not going to die?” Maddy whispered. Not taking her eyes off the alien in front of them.

“God I hope so.” Beatrix replied. Praying this wasn’t the kind of research that ended in dissection. The note-taking alien finished writing and looked up at them. As if to watch their next move. Without any warning, the alien in front of them thrust its spear towards their faces. Stopping just inches before it made contact. The girls shrieked. Beatrix pushed herself against the wall as much as she could. And Maddy instinctively used her arms to shield her head. The alien held its pose while the other wrote more notes. Did this mean she was right? Were they testing what humans do when threatened? When the writing was completed the armed alien took its spear away from their faces and walked back to the other side of the room. Maddy suddenly gasped like she had been holding her breath the entire time. She put her arms down and glanced over at Bea to make sure she was alright. The two aliens talked for a few moments. In a language neither of them could even begin to understand. The alien who had been taking notes motioned towards the girls, though It was still taking to the armed alien. Its voice was in a commanding tone as though it was giving an order. It then left the room. The armed alien walked over to the girls. Pulling out a rope that glowed a strange turquoise color. Maddy flinched as it began tying it around her neck. Tight enough to not slip off, but not so tight that it hurt. It did the same to Beatrix. It turned and headed for the door. Tugging the rope gently as though encouraging them to move. The girls reluctantly stood and followed the alien out. Not like they had much choice unless they wanted to be dragged. The alien led them through a hallway. The walls looked like medal and lights lined the walls in increments of every few feet. When they reached the end, they walked through a door that functioned like a store door and into a room that almost looked similar to a kitchen. It was mostly empty except for some, what could only be described as cabinets lining the walls and a counter in the middle of the room. Standing in front of the counter were the alien with the notes and a new alien. This alien was taller than the others by a few feet. It also didn’t wear anything special like the other two. The note alien was talking to the tall alien. The screen it had taken notes on faced so both of them could see.

“I guess they’re going over the notes.” Beatrix whispered after analyzing the scene in front of her.

“I wish I knew what it said.” Maddy murmured. A chill ran down their spines as they imagined what could possibly be written. For all they knew it was research proving humans were harmless, or worse, proving they were defenseless. Before long the aliens finished reviewing the notes. The large alien turned their attention to the girls. It put its hands together, cooing in excitement. It then waved its hand as it gave some sort of command to the guard. The guard immediately removed the ropes from around the girl's necks, then left. The note alien followed it. Now it was just the girls and the large alien. For a few moments, neither of them moved. The girls were freed from the rope. But they were so scared they couldn’t bring themselves to move. They stood board stiff, trembling, as they waited for the alien to do something. The alien just watched them thoughtfully. A delighted expression on its face. Finally, it turned and retrieved something from the counter. It held up the objects to the girls, as though presenting it to them. Beatrix stared at the objects in confusion. They looked collars? The alien was holding up two black dog collars with silver tags. One in each hand. The girls stiffened as the alien placed the collars around their necks. Maddy immediately tried to tear hers off. Beatrix glanced nervously at the alien. Wondering if this would anger it. But the alien just purred in amusement. Maddy froze as the alien started to pat her head. Her body shuddered as the aliens cold, clammy hand rhythmically stroked her head. After what felt like an eternity the alien finally stopped. Beatrix placed a hand on Maddy’s back comfortingly while the alien made its way across the room. It opened another set of metal sliding doors. It motioned a hand into the next room. Saying something in an encouraging tone. Beatrix grabbed Maddy’s hand and started to walk forward. Guessing the alien wanted them to go there. Their hearts raced as they made their way past the alien. Maddy clinging close to Bea’s side. As soon as they walked through the door the alien said something in a cheery tone then shut the door. The girls scanned the room they were now in. It was much like a living room, but with oddly shaped couches and a large flat floating screen. They both sighed in relief when they realized they were the only ones there. Maddy’s eyes started to tear up as the stress followed by the sudden wave of relief brought up all the other emotions that had been hiding under her fear. Soon enough she started crying uncontrollably. Beatrix rubbed her back in an attempt to comfort her, though she wasn’t much farther from breaking down.

“I’m so scared! I don’t know what to do! I just want to go home!” Maddy sobbed.

“H-hey, it’s ok. I don’t think the ship left earth yet. W-we should look around for an exit or something.” Beatrix said. She couldn’t remember hearing or feeling the ship take off. Perhaps they were still where they had been abducted. Perhaps they could escape. Maddy sniffed. Rubbing tears from her eyes. She looked up at Beatrix. Hope shining in her gaze as she nodded silently. The two began searching the room. Hoping and praying to find some way out. Along her search, Maddy found a window beside a small table. She climbed up onto the table. Imagining she could break it open somehow. But as soon as she looked outside her eyes grew wide and her stomach twisted.

“B-Bea..” Maddy stammered. Bea quickly joined her side and looked out the window. Her heart dropped when she saw it. It was the earth. Shrinking as they flew farther and farther away from it. They stared in shocked silence. Their jaws dropped. They hadn’t even felt the ship take off. ‘No.’ Beatrix thought. Tears welling up in her eyes. The full reality of the situation hit the two of them like a bat. They were stuck in space. Miles away from home. Maddy turned away from the window. Not being able to stand the sight any longer. She sat, wrapping her arms around her legs and burying her face in her knees. Beatrix’s mind whirled. There had to still be a way out. A way home. Escape pods! All ships had escape pods right?

“We can still escape.” Beatrix said. Grabbing Maddy’s shoulders. “If we can find an escape pod we can fly back to earth.”

“How are we supposed to find them? And how are we going to get them to earth?” Maddy asked.

“I….I don’t know. We’ll just have to figure it out.” Beatrix replied. Desperate to find any hope, as hers was dangling by a thread.

Offline Jemacush

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Re: Alien’s Best Friend (first draft so far)
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2019, 02:44:12 PM »
The description of the opening scene was good, short and to the point. I liked the development of the friend's relationship to each other. I can tell one of them is always getting them into trouble and the other is always trying to get them out.

I had trouble reading the piece in its entirety due to shifting point of view. Each scene should be written in one characters POV to avoid confusing the reader by 'head hopping'. That characters POV will color the scene, visually and emotionally.

On a grammatically note, dialogue with she said, he snapped, etc., should be written like this:

"I'm not going in there," he said.


"I'm not going in there." He said.

In the following paragraph, the word 'light' is used too many times. A simple mistake that can bog down the reader's eye.

"Ugh, forget it! Let’s just go home!” Maddy growled, turning around to head home. Beatrix hesitated, still wondering what that sound could have possibly been. She turned to leave, glancing one final time at the empty field. She had only walked a few steps when suddenly a bright beam of light shone down on her. She gasped causing Maddy to whip around. Beatrix looked where the light was coming from, using her hand to block out some of the light. Beatrix’s heart beat faster when she found where the light came from. A bright white hole in the sky. They were both frozen. Starring up in shock. Beatrix started to feel weightless, and with a stab of terror realized she was being lifted off the ground! She gazed around wildly. Searching for anything to grab onto.

As for descriptions of characters, personally I'm okay with limited description. I prefer less over more. Let me imagine a little, please. But since I'm not everyone, an easy way to sneak in some description is to add it to an action:

“But there’s nothing here!” Maddy snapped, blowing a frizzy red curl off of her forehead. Why hadn't she put the mess in a ponytail before they left the house?

We now know Maddy has curly red hair which she probably hates.

All in all, you've got a good draft here. I think choosing one characters POV to write from, will make rewrites much cleaner and more vivid. Hope this helps.