Author Topic: In my being (my first attempt at a proper poem)  (Read 209 times)

Offline kjg

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In my being (my first attempt at a proper poem)
« on: September 03, 2019, 01:20:02 PM »
My life is lived in shame, for
every touch, every kiss is a wrong, this
could very well be lifelong, but
I can hear the sound of the knell, calling
my name, for the price of the vices,
and the loneliness not subsiding,
has taken it's toll and I'm done with it's role

People, they leave as quick as they come,
nobody there to share, nobody by your side,
at night, nobody to hide behind
what's in your mind

An internal dialogue of hatred
Fills the blank of my thought
But silence can be bought
And now the act of pill taking
Has become a sacred submission

Now, my pulse electricutes through my veins
The walls are too far, I can no longer breath
Chained to the floor, there's something beneath
Shaking the ground, I've met this character too much before
There could be a friend I need,
hidden inside a packet, underneath my desk,
But there's nothing there, I already knew but still looked
My best friend's hiding from me, betrayed in my time of losing my lead.

Inside the lion's mouth, his spears sink into my lungs
but here comes my friend, with the transplant that'll fix
it all, until next time this lion reappears to attack me again,
Do I fight alone or keep my friend to fight with me?
 
First time at a proper poem, please let me know how to improve!

Offline JTetstone

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  • Jan Tetstone a/k/s Janice Sanford/nosuchmember
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Re: In my being (my first attempt at a proper poem)
« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2019, 06:17:28 PM »

An internal dialogue of hatred
Fills the blank of my thought
But silence can be bought
And now the act of pill taking
Has become a sacred submission

Inside the lion's mouth, his spears sink into my lungs
but here comes my friend, with the transplant that'll fix
it all, until next time this lion reappears to attack me again,
Do I fight alone or keep my friend to fight with me?
 

Those are the parts of your poem I found to be very moving.
It is very good for a first write. I hope you will  continue writing.
Sometimes the flow gets uneven, when one is writing for the
approval of others. You have a lot of heart showing  in this poem.

I wrote a poem about shame and loneliness, a week before my 26 Birthday.
I will be 71 in a few months. Please, feel free to read it.  "Cursed My Name"

http://www.heartsongsjt.com/1975.htm


Best of luck with your writing,

jt
Proud to be an American who knows what being an American means.   -Jan Tetstone

Offline aliciakay

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Re: In my being (my first attempt at a proper poem)
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2019, 12:34:29 AM »
I think that the  narrator's mood and sense of self conflict came through very clearly in your poem.  I don't think your poem needed rhyme and the rhyme you did use seemed out of place to me since you didn't use rhyme consistently or have a consistent meter. I thought you made a very good start.