Author Topic: No title - 2.7k words - Fantasy - Chapter One  (Read 130 times)

Offline Vitality

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No title - 2.7k words - Fantasy - Chapter One
« on: August 22, 2019, 12:31:47 AM »
Don't really have a clear prologue yet but if you like fantasy then this might just be for you... Also, I would love any feedback, can make it as harsh as you need or as nice as you need. Thank you and I know it's a lot to read and you may be put off by it but if anyone needs they can read just a few chapters at the beginning and tell me what you think, once again thank you.
« Last Edit: August 23, 2019, 11:27:38 PM by Vitality »

Offline aliciakay

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Re: No title - 2.7k words - Fantasy - Chapter One
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2019, 12:39:28 AM »
I felt a like you created a main character I could be sympathetic to; however, I thought you told the reader how the main character felt alienated rather than showing it.  I think that it would be more effective to describe what the character was doing so that the reader could see that he was alienated/ostracized rather than being told it so often. At one point the main character tells us that the lady that "adopted" him when she found him as a child was kind to him and that he felt he "owed her".  Again, I think this would resonate more if you showed how this was so rather than just telling us.  The dialogue such as "you've got this," for example felt very modern day young person to me.  It just didn't seem like this type of dialogue matched the sort of world  you were trying to describe.   It was obvious that you put a lot of time and thought into this. I liked the flow of many of your sentences.


Offline Vitality

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Re: No title - 2.7k words - Fantasy - Chapter One
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2019, 12:45:55 AM »
I felt a like you created a main character I could be sympathetic to; however, I thought you told the reader how the main character felt alienated rather than showing it.  I think that it would be more effective to describe what the character was doing so that the reader could see that he was alienated/ostracized rather than being told it so often. At one point the main character tells us that the lady that "adopted" him when she found him as a child was kind to him and that he felt he "owed her".  Again, I think this would resonate more if you showed how this was so rather than just telling us.  The dialogue such as "you've got this," for example felt very modern day young person to me.  It just didn't seem like this type of dialogue matched the sort of world  you were trying to describe.   It was obvious that you put a lot of time and thought into this. I liked the flow of many of your sentences.


Wow thank you so much, I honestly agree entirely with you, someone I know said basically some of the same stuff, I have problems where I tell instead of show, and I'm working on fixing that, once again thank you for your feedback, I am going to work on resolving those issues.