Author Topic: A secret...  (Read 501 times)

Offline Dragonsnark

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A secret...
« on: July 21, 2019, 03:53:05 AM »
dlp gave me some useful feedback to"The Sea". Once of his comments was "it paints a clear picture. no hidden meaning here. nothing to figure out.".

Maybe the poem was too obvious, although I was trying to paint a clear picture. Looking back over my poetry, I came across this, which is pretty cryptic, but each verse draws a clear image from my memory. I present it here for your comment.

I can describe the picture each verse paints if that is needed.

A secret

They went out in the morning,
they wandered back at night.
Who knows what was guiding them,
they always got it right.
They came back to their spaces,
and found their rightful places,
Of nurture and of care.

I came down, and round the spiral way
The air hot, blasting, like a pillow, hard to breathe.
I went further, and down, at last out, free.
To strangeness, sound and smell greeting and covering me
I waited then, to drink the difference, enthralled but not afraid.

She came and stopped, and waited,
A statue, standing, tall and lean,
On her head were treasures, in her quick dark eyes a gleam.
She was searching for someone, something, a time,
Somewhere she should go
It was a secret only she will ever know

They drifted or maybe floated,
Their scarves trailing in the breeze.
From learned place to place of learning,
wandering together, perfectly at ease.
Later they returned maybe wiser than before
Excited by the things tomorrow has in store

He waited in the shadow, watching, observing
Maybe amused, maybe wondering or dreaming.
He saw me watching and returned a nod
but didn't come near, or change.
He would come later bringing with him
his cool oasis of calm and movement.

They stood regal full of colour, proud and alive,
They stood together, separate, in a group
Father, Sister, Mother and Son
Each knowing the place and what was to be done.
The process, very old but new to each
Different, the same, but to me just out of reach.

Offline aliciakay

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Re: A secret...
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2019, 10:35:34 PM »
I do think that this poem had a lot in it to "figure out" and also a lot of interesting imagery.  I'm not sure that I was successful in figuring out exactly what you meant to communicate in places but I enjoyed the ambiguity.  I feel like the author's emotion comes through very clearly in the poem.

My main issue as a reader though was with the random rhymes.  Most stanzas have a strong rhyming pattern but some not so much. The rhymes don't follow the same pattern in each stanza and there is no clear rhyme scheme with rhymes occurring in different places in different stanzas. Also, the rhyming seems forced in places. Finally the frequent change of person "I, he, me, etc..," contributes to making the poem seem "disjointed" in a way I don't believe was intended.

I think this was a very good start and look forward reading more.