Author Topic: Need Review/Criticism of Short Blog Post, Please.  (Read 785 times)

Offline bmarshall07

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Need Review/Criticism of Short Blog Post, Please.
« on: July 17, 2019, 06:30:30 PM »
Hello Everyone. I am interested in freelance writing, but unsure of my ability or inability to write. I am grateful for anyone who will take the time to read this very short blog post, along with your best criticism. Thank you!  :)

My First (Shitty, Yet Informative?) Blog Post

Being Present

To be or not to be. Stick with me. You can either be here now or lost in thought or judgment, thus losing your participation at the moment. You can’t try to do something and do something at the same time, because ‘trying’ is the act of doing. Athletes become professional when they no longer have to try to do the motions, they just do them without thinking about it. Failure by ‘trying’ until you succeed by ‘doing’.

Why You Need to Be Present

The only thing we have to lose is this moment right here. And, even then the present moment is always fleeting. My brief point (of a much bigger point) is that when we are ‘being’, here and now, we are participants at the moment. We can exercise our free will. Otherwise, our brain puts us on auto-pilot, and we are a product of the vicious chain of cause and effect that began at birth. It is in auto-pilot that we no longer have control of our destiny. We are a leaf in the wind.

Driving Force of the Universe

Call it what you want. The driving force of the universe, Logos, God, etc. The cause of this fleeting of the present moment. I like to think of it as a horse-drawn carriage that never stops. And, attached by a leash to the carriage is a four-legged animal, and that animal is you. (You could just think of yourself as being attached to the cart running along if you would like.) Anyway, my point is to think of that carriage as the fleeting moment, the now. Whenever you stop to judge, dwell on a problem, and/or hold on to past thoughts, you lose your participation at the moment and are thus being dragged along by the carriage.


So, either live fully now keeping up with this force(or even ahead of it via sacrifices (a bargain with the future)) and in control of your destiny, or allow it to drag you through life against your will. Heaven or hell is a mindset and a result of involuntary or voluntary action. Your current circumstances are the aggregate sum of all the choices that you have made up to this point. Create your circumstances by participating in the present moment and exercising the power of conscious choice through discipline(and other things).

Take This and Run!

Every single one of us is all-in on this game of life. Why? Because none of us are getting out alive. You can either choose your next move, or it will be chosen for you. Play the best game that you can, because your heaven or hell depends on it. Choice, is your golden ticket. Happy choosing.

Thank you for reading!

Offline Jaden_Michael

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Re: Need Review/Criticism of Short Blog Post, Please.
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2019, 11:52:18 PM »
First I want to congratulate you in taking the step of starting a blog. It is daunting having people read your stuff.

As far as your potential blog post...I don’t know who your audience is, but personally if I’m reading something on a topic, I usually either want an educated opinion or something I didn’t know. It appears your post is about mindfulness, but I have to be was very confusing. I think you tried to cram way too much “deep” into one post. One of the things I do wrong when I post is I tend to be too wordy and cram too much info into one post. People are busy and want their info in bite sized posts. That’s why they are reading a blog. If it were me, I would cut out about half of the fluff and make your language much simpler. You could actually take this post and break it into at least 3 different posts. Pick one of the points, maybe two and lay them out simply. Otherwise dummies like me won’t understand what you’re talking about and will just skip to someone who can break it down a little simpler for me. Congrats on deciding to start a blog. It is an interesting, but rewarding journey and I know you will enjoy yourself!

Offline PIJ1951

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Re: Need Review/Criticism of Short Blog Post, Please.
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2019, 06:47:00 AM »
First things first - I don't think anyone should begin by describing their work as 'shitty'. I belong to a local writers' group and whenever someone reads out their work and begins by saying 'I'm sorry, this is not very good' they have to put £1 in the jar. If you write something to be shared with an audience the first thing you have to do is make sure it's the best it can be - the second thing you have to do is believe in your ability.

As for this piece, it does tend to ramble. Living in the moment is the underlying message (I assume) but the way you present your case is borderline mumbo-jumbo. It's the kind of fluff a million and one fake life-style gurus spout - a lot of woolly words and catchy sound bites - but ultimately it tells us nothing we don't already know. We can either choose our own path and follow it or be pulled along by external forces. I'm not sure why I needed someone to point this out to me.

Every single one of us is all-in on this game of life. Why? Because none of us are getting out alive.

That's hardly insightful, is it?

The positives here are that you write well enough and if you keep this up you will no doubt be able to tap in to the lucrative market for self-help manuals. The negatives - there's nothing new here. And maybe it's an American thing, but I don't understand why people need coaching in how to proceed through life anyway (especially when most of the advice consists of a series of platitudes).

This is a case of what over here in the UK we call 'stating the bleeding obvious'.

Good luck.

Offline Polly Lynn

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Re: Need Review/Criticism of Short Blog Post, Please.
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2019, 12:25:41 PM »
Hi, bmarshal,

You are my first critique, so this will be short.  Yea for you that you are writing a blog.  Yea that you found a forum to ask for feedback. 

I am not sure who else is in this forum, but I am a fuddy duddy in my fifties.  Within your text, you could search your favorite swear word, then delete and replace it with "darn."  When you get the document back, then you can reverse: search "darn" and replace with your favorite swear word.  I am a teacher and got in trouble with the principal for using the word cr.. (like poop) in class.  Not everyone swears.  So, you might wish to clean up the vocabulary before submitting it.  Leaving the word out altogether would strengthen your writing.