Author Topic: I'm not sure what to call this apart from angsty and awful.  (Read 140 times)

Offline ratgutsblegh

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I've really lost my flare for writing lately, so I tried to just let go and write without questioning every single word I write. I'd just like a little feedback to help me in rewriting this. I know where I've fallen short, I just don't know quite what to do about it... I need a structure, first of all, but I'm clueless as per usual.

Indifferently dropping pieces,
Of myself.
I donít know where I keep leaving them.

Amidst the mute taupe of an aged
Stairwell carpet,
Perhaps the pots of the plants I neglect to tend to.

My passivity and slipped mind, Iím sure, is nothing more than
Detatchment.
Iím still bothered by trivial things.

Irrespective of if I pass their minds,
After the fact,
Iím convinced their displeasure starts with me.

Locked inside, how do I begin to compartmentalize,
Do I start with guilt?
Not standard, but it manifests no different to the heaviest self-reproach.

I understand and rationalise,
In the current context Iím unimportant,
I practice the mindfulness that I know digs me deeper.
Itís all cohesive, comprehensive.
Concerning.

Tend to me, water me and place me in flared rays of,
The sun so kind,
Until I sprout leaves that stay pea-green against the snow.

But donít, really.
I would only fill my mouth more with soil.
I would only unroot myself further.
I would only bother you more.
I would dig my heels in deeper.
Didnít my roots come loose?
I donít remember.

Offline nosuchmember

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Re: I'm not sure what to call this apart from angsty and awful.
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2019, 10:03:23 PM »
Tend to me, water me and place me in flared rays of,
The sun so kind,
Until I sprout leaves that stay pea-green against the snow.

Tend to me, water me, and place me in flared rays of
The sun so kind,
Until I sprout leaves that stay pea-green against the snow.

It reads better [for me] with the comma placed after water me.

There's a few  more commas that I'd move...but I really like your poem.

Keep writing.
  jan