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Author Topic: My first page of my new script  (Read 2454 times)

Offline Hunter

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My first page of my new script
« on: June 06, 2019, 12:39:33 AM »

TURNER, 40s, with his suit tied to his waist, enters the bridge.

An inhuman voice, KIRA, speaks.

                                             KIRA (O.S.)
                       Twenty-eight days.

A younger man, STEVE, sits at a monitor. He swivels around to Turner, points at the window.
                       Hey, Cap’, you need to see this.

Turner sets his gaze to the window - a dark hole in their path.

                      What the hell is that?

JOHN, 30s, turns his attention to it.

                      It sure as shit isn‘t a black hole.

                     We wouldn’t be having this conversation
                     if it were.

STACEY, next to John, speaks.

Turner turns to the pilot, NATHAN.
                    Why are we moving closer to it?

Nathan looks as if he’s seen a ghost.

                    It‘s not me. It’s pulling u — —

— — The spaceship RATTLES and suddenly gets sucked into it.

                                                                  FADE TO BLACK.

Offline JenEngland

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Re: My first page of my new script
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2019, 12:18:43 PM »
The mystery and suspense are nice, like a well-wrapped gift. The understated abduction suggests that the evil waiting on the other side has very little regard for human life, like the respect a street cleaner might have for the garbage he sweeps up.

'Why are we moving closer to it?' doesn't suggest to the reader that Nathan should be the one responsible for the ship's trajectory. Perhaps something obvious like, "Why are you steering us right into it?" contrasts more dramatically with Nathan's line, "It's not me. It's pulling u — —," and magnifies the significance.

Again, nice start.

Offline pbstud

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Re: My first page of my new script
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2019, 10:29:18 PM »
Interesting enough. A bit quick to the punch but I guess that's to be expected. Wondering though. You open with it being NIGHT. It's space. What is the meaning of night?