Author Topic: Isle of Pines  (Read 562 times)

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Isle of Pines
« on: May 11, 2019, 01:01:29 PM »
Isle of Pines

tips and sways
on lily pad tiled water:
green circles float
succulent centers
visited by nectar seekers
flyiing out from shore
dizzy with sugar and sun sparkles.

Emerald spires distant,
dark and cool against burning blue,
hot air balloons in pastels rising.



exercise: word picture written without the use of the word "the"


« Last Edit: May 12, 2019, 11:16:29 AM by indar »

Offline heartsongjt

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1055
  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
    • Heartsong's Poetry Diary
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2019, 11:48:29 PM »
Isle of Pines

tips and sways
on lily pad tiled water:
green circles float
succulent centers
visited by nectar seekers
flyiing out from shore
dizzy with sugar and sun sparkles.

Emerald spires distant,
dark and cool against burning blue,
hot air baloons in pastels rising.



exercise: word picture written without the use of the word "the"

Beautiful. But I do have a question. Why is Emerald the only word that begins with a capital letter?  :) Not counting title.
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2019, 10:00:37 AM »
Thank you Jan,

I used the title as the first part of the first sentence. Emerald is the first word of the second sentence.

Using the title that way isn't a common device but its not unheard of.

Offline poetryman123

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 78
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2019, 10:33:16 AM »
Nice poem.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2019, 11:01:27 AM »
Thank you

Offline Mark T

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4076
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #5 on: May 12, 2019, 04:26:58 PM »

Pretty imagery and uplifting. Nice ending. A note would be that if the title is part of the opening sentence, then the  sense would be that it is the isle of pines that is tipping and swaying on the water - unless this is a reflection but there is no further clue to that and the entire island would in any case not be visible. Picky, I know, and missing the intent of the piece.   

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2019, 04:38:32 PM »
Hey Mark,

That same point was raised elsewhere and you know what they say about the second time you are told you have grown a tail----

My intention was to portray a very subjective illusion of the island being the unstable element between it and the tilt and sway of tiled water (which is which?)thus conveying a sense of unreality to the whole scene.


If this poem doesn't work--as another poet once said "oh well I've got lots more of them" :)

Thanks for the read and comment---so glad to see you around the old place!

Offline poet-e

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 92
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2019, 06:36:03 PM »
Especially loved the image of lily pad tiled water!

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2019, 02:16:53 AM »
Thank you--ah, shall I call you Po?

Offline poet-e

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 92
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #9 on: May 13, 2019, 07:00:17 AM »
Thank you--ah, shall I call you Po?

Sure, why not?

Offline dlp

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 106
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2019, 02:48:48 PM »
the is an over used word in poetry and most of the time can go. nice imagery

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2019, 03:44:13 PM »
Thank you dlp

Offline AntonioM

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 569
  • I am all that is myself
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #12 on: July 09, 2019, 03:13:35 PM »
Good work, like the exercise.

Antonio
ARM

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3824
Re: Isle of Pines
« Reply #13 on: July 10, 2019, 09:53:28 AM »
Thanks Antonio, I like writing with some kind of parameter on occasion--sometimes the inclusion of a word that catches my fancy or even a form such as a sestina or pantoum. The form can lead to surprising places.