Author Topic: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)  (Read 479 times)

Offline poet-e

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There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« on: May 01, 2019, 07:07:04 PM »
There's an Elephant Living Upstairs

Stomp, stomp, stomp.
Stomping all night long.
He must be one angry elephant,
with all that nonstop stomping.

Stomp, stomp, stomp.
Stomping all day long.
He must be one mean old elephant,
with all that nonstop stomping.

Stomp, stomp, stomp.
I have to do something
to stop this stomp, stomp, stomping!

Knock, knock, knock.
“Excuse me Mr. Elephant,
what’s with all the
stomp, stomp, stomping?”

Mr. Elephant said, as he quivered and shivered,
“There’s a mouse living in my house.
I’m afraid she’ll eat me or beat me.
I’m stomp, stomp, stomping
to get her out, out, out.”

“Have you tried talking to her,
instead of stomp, stomp, stomping?” I asked.

“Why, I never thought of that” he said.
“But I am so afraid she’ll eat me or beat me.”

“I would never eat you or beat you,”
said a timid voice from behind the wall.

“Won’t you come out of your house, Ms. Mouse?”
Ms. Mouse quivered and shivered, saying
“I’m afraid of all that stomp, stomp, stomping
and that he would stomp, stomp, stomp me to death.”

“I would never stomp, stomp, stomp
Ms. Mouse to death” said Mr. Elephant.

When Ms. Mouse came out,
quivering and shivering,
she saw Mr. Elephant was just a baby elephant.
And Mr. Elephant saw how nice
Ms. Mouse really was.

We all became friends,
having cheese and peanut tea parties.
And the nonstop stomp, stomp, stomping
stopped, stopped, stopped
ever since.


-e

Offline Desiderio Paz

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2019, 09:25:11 AM »
Cute, enjoyable poem. Depending on the anticipated age of the audience, I'm wondering if "death" should be reworded.
Perhaps:

and that he would stomp, stomp, stomp me on me.”

“I would never stomp, stomp, stomp
on you, Ms. Mouse” said Mr. Elephant.

Offline poet-e

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2019, 11:38:49 AM »
Thanks for the feedback!

What age do you think it'd be for?

Offline Desiderio Paz

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2019, 11:42:49 AM »
My opinion, not being trained in the field, would be that parents could read this to their children as they teach them language. Accompanied by pictures of elephants and mice, of course.

Offline poetryman123

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2019, 01:00:35 PM »
I don't think the word death would be appropriate for children. Sorry for the nitpicking. But other than that, it's a great piece.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline poet-e

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #5 on: May 02, 2019, 04:10:49 PM »
Thank you both.  Nitpicking's always welcome.

Offline indar

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2019, 05:25:12 PM »
Have you tried talking to her,
instead of stomp, stomp, stomping?” I asked.

“Why, I never thought of that” he said.
“But I am so afraid she’ll eat me or beat me.”

“I would never eat you or beat you,”
said a timid voice from behind the wall.

“Won’t you come out of your house, Ms. Mouse?”
Ms. Mouse quivered and shivered, saying
“I’m afraid of all that stomp, stomp, stomping
and that he would stomp, stomp, stomp me to death.”

“I would never stomp, stomp, stomp
Ms. Mouse to death” said Mr. Elephant.


I stomp stomp stomp because I fear
she'll come out in the dark
and run up my long long snout

I would never ever do that said Ms. mouse


Tighten this up a bit and submit it

Offline poet-e

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2019, 10:42:24 PM »
Thanks.  Any rec where to submit?

Offline indar

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2019, 11:08:57 AM »
It's too soon to be thinking about where to submit. This writing needs more work. You are posting it in the wrong place to get feedback on how to improve it. I would suggest an active forum with writers of prose that publish. Even though your piece has chosen line breaks and some internal rhymes it is not poetry in the strict sense---it will make a lovely children's book however. Members of that same forum will also be savvy about where to submit it.

I submit my poetry to poetry annuals and journals---not much help in your case.


That said, I suggest you write a less predictable ending---the fear-of-the-other being ironed out simply by talking is a time-worn theme---not a bad one---you need to find a more creative way to conclude it, the mouse and elephant are experiencing some kind of loneliness or isolation and they discover they both love to play chess---what a great illustration ---each moving the pieces in their own way. And a wonderful friendship is born. Something like that.

Offline poet-e

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Re: There's an Elephant Living Upstairs (a kids poem)
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2019, 12:11:31 PM »
Thanks for your insights!