Author Topic: review my poem  (Read 372 times)

Offline mieishanichole

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review my poem
« on: April 24, 2019, 09:42:49 AM »
Island of  Self-Destruction


I'm on an island of self-destruction .
There are many islands surrounding me, but I'm drowning and you only pulled me up halfway.
I'm calling for help, but you can't hear ME I'm crying for help now.
I'm still drowning. And you're not even helping…
WHY?!!
I hear all your voices but it's fine, I'm okay with dying.
But I'm okay…
OR is that what you want me to say?!
Because I'm definitely not okay, nor will I ever be okay..
So much happens .. things I can't forget even when I really wanted to.
But, “sorry” they say. Sorry to tell you there's no way you can forget, it's forever with you.”
“Embedded in your brain. I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do.”
I was screaming, waving my arms… trying to signal you to help me up, but like everyone else… you said you tried to help me after my eyes were already flushed. I'm crying in the ocean for somebody to save me, but you thought my tears were of joy, but my eyes were getting heavy.
Gasping for the little of life left ..It's like my pain was pulling me down under reaching for your hand until I was like a goldfish who turned over But you didn't really love me anyways, because you watched as I died over and over again, I knew that, but for some reason I thought it was okay...  okay to be hurt because I grew up that way . Betrayal, pain, and confusion is where I stayed.
Stayed, and that's where my body laid like the titanic in the middle of the ocean, buried under the debris… Till the very day I wondered “Why didn’t you save me?!” Save me from what… I don't know… myself perhaps. I was my own murderer but it was no suicide..
My mental had the gun but you pulled the trigger so would that be ruled a double homicide?! But I'm gone… now you speak of me. No I don't hate you for letting the water take over me, but don't do it again. Save someone next time. Don't wait till it's too late to not believe me when I say I'm fine.”
-mj
 


Offline nosuchmember

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Re: review my poem
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2019, 11:59:12 AM »
Island of  Self-Destruction


I'm on an island of self-destruction .
There are many islands surrounding me, but I'm drowning and you only pulled me up halfway.
I'm calling for help, but you can't hear ME I'm crying for help now.
I'm still drowning. And you're not even helping…
WHY?!!
I hear all your voices but it's fine, I'm okay with dying.
But I'm okay…
OR is that what you want me to say?!
Because I'm definitely not okay, nor will I ever be okay..
So much happens .. things I can't forget even when I really wanted to.
But, “sorry” they say. Sorry to tell you there's no way you can forget, it's forever with you.”
“Embedded in your brain. I'm sorry but there's nothing I can do.”
I was screaming, waving my arms… trying to signal you to help me up, but like everyone else… you said you tried to help me after my eyes were already flushed. I'm crying in the ocean for somebody to save me, but you thought my tears were of joy, but my eyes were getting heavy.
Gasping for the little of life left ..It's like my pain was pulling me down under reaching for your hand until I was like a goldfish who turned over But you didn't really love me anyways, because you watched as I died over and over again, I knew that, but for some reason I thought it was okay...  okay to be hurt because I grew up that way . Betrayal, pain, and confusion is where I stayed.
Stayed, and that's where my body laid like the titanic in the middle of the ocean, buried under the debris… Till the very day I wondered “Why didn’t you save me?!” Save me from what… I don't know… myself perhaps. I was my own murderer but it was no suicide..
My mental had the gun but you pulled the trigger so would that be ruled a double homicide?! But I'm gone… now you speak of me. No I don't hate you for letting the water take over me, but don't do it again. Save someone next time. Don't wait till it's too late to not believe me when I say I'm fine.”
-mj

It's a sad read. The only thing I think it needs is form. I hope you don't mind.   jt

Island of Self-Destruction

I'm on an island of self-destruction.
There are many islands surrounding me,
But I'm drowning and you only pulled me
Up halfway.

I'm calling for help, but you can't hear ME
I'm crying for help now.
I'm still drowning. And you're not even helping…
WHY?!!

I hear all your voices but its fine,
 I'm okay with dying. But I'm okay…
OR is that what you want me to say?!

Because I'm definitely not okay,
Nor will I ever be okay...
So much happens.. Things I can't forget
Even when I really wanted to.

But, “sorry” they say. Sorry to tell you there's
No way you can forget, it's forever with you.”
“Embedded in your brain. I'm sorry but there's
Nothing I can do.”

I was screaming, waving my arms… trying to signal
You to help me up, but like everyone else…
You said you tried to help me after my eyes were
Already flushed.

I'm crying in the ocean for somebody to save me,
But you thought my tears were of joy, but my eyes
Were getting heavy.
Gasping for the little of life left...It's like
My pain was pulling me down under

Reaching for your hand until I was like a goldfish
Who turned over but you didn't really love me anyways,
Because you watched as I died over and over again,
I knew that, but for some reason I thought it was okay... 

Okay to be hurt because I grew up that way .
Betrayal, pain, and confusion is where I stayed.
Stayed, and that's where my body laid like the titanic
In the middle of the ocean, buried under the debris…

Till the very day I wondered “Why didn’t you save me?!”
Save me from what… I don't know… myself perhaps.
I was my own murderer but it was no suicide...
My mental had the gun but you pulled the trigger
So would that be ruled a double homicide?!

But I'm gone… now you speak of me.
No I don't hate you for letting the water take over me,
But don't do it again. Save someone next time.
Don't wait till it's too late
              -to not believe me when I say I'm fine.”
-mj
 


Offline poetryman123

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Re: review my poem
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2019, 11:25:42 AM »
It was a mess until heartsongjt fixed it up. There is too much action here.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline poet-e

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Re: review my poem
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2019, 10:54:51 PM »
More imagery'd help.

I like:
"Stayed, and that's where my body laid like the titanic in the middle of the ocean, buried under the debris…"
But I'm confused what is buried under the debris. 

Offline mieishanichole

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Re: review my poem
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2019, 05:18:51 AM »
in my notebook it is in stanzas. it is a sad read, I as in a dark place as I wrote it. and the body is buried under the debris

Offline indar

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Re: review my poem
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2019, 10:51:23 AM »
Hello Mi (if I may)

This writing of yours reads like an unrestrained outpouring. Perhaps it has helped you feel better to get it all out but now it needs some disciplined editing if it is to read as poetry. I see it is your first post and you are probably new to writing and posting poetry. Has this served your purpose or are you looking for a critique?