Author Topic: Can you review my poem please?  (Read 138 times)

Offline Kayla M

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Can you review my poem please?
« on: April 22, 2019, 09:37:51 PM »
She stood dressed in tainted white
As the waves crashed into her
One after another
Each wave killed her slowly
The water trapped her breathing
Her vision blurred with the tides
Salt pierced her skin
As the waves swept across her body
Her mind burned
As the ocean seeped into her wounds
No one saw her pain
No one saw her suffer
She hid behind each wave
Engulfed in the darkness
One after another
« Last Edit: April 23, 2019, 08:16:06 AM by Kayla M »

Offline Stayce

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Re: Can you review my poem please?
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2019, 10:45:44 PM »
Hey there,

Apologies but I don't think I can really offer much feedback as I'm afraid I'm not much of a poet. There is a poetry board here that you can access from the main page. You might have better luck posting there.

Thanks for sharing anyway, and good luck!

Offline mcc1789

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Re: Can you review my poem please?
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2019, 09:57:17 PM »
It seemed evocative to me, with the imagery that the poem imparts. So keep up the good work.

Offline heartsongjt

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  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
Re: Can you review my poem please?
« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2019, 02:01:49 PM »
She stood dressed in tainted white
As the waves crashed into her
One after another
Each wave killed her slowly
The water trapped her breathing
Her vision blurred with the tides
Salt pierced her skin
As the waves swept across her body
Her mind burned
As the ocean seeped into her wounds
No one saw her pain
No one saw her suffer
She hid behind each wave
Engulfed in the darkness
One after another

One thing stands out :There's no periods, commas, etc.
You might consider reading your poem out-loud. I hope you find the information below helpful.  jt
Writing is complicated, and sadly there aren’t many quick-and-easy tricks to improving your work. Happily, though, there are some, and in this article I’ll be sharing how one easy trick can streamline your work in a matter of minutes.

Reading aloud is something authors often don’t bother to do. After all, the readers probably aren’t going to. But those who don’t make the effort to read their writing aloud are missing an easy way to find and fix problems.

Rhythm and pace

Rhythm and pace are vital to any piece of writing, but our appreciation of them is so much stronger when we read our work aloud.

Read a passage aloud and you’ll get an immediate sense of how it ‘should’ feel; the way the words fit together and work as a whole. The same way that you can hear a missed beat or wrong chord in music, you understand when your phrasing is awkward or unwieldy.

The effect is even more pronounced because you’re producing the rhythm as you read. Reading aloud instantly presents you with words, phrases, or even sentences that ‘don’t work’. They’ll feel awkward to perform, be difficult to read, and what’s more you’ll often find that your increased appreciation for rhythm helps a far better phrase to pop into your head.

Read more here:

https://www.standoutbooks.com/reading-aloud-improve-writing/

 
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints