Author Topic: Looking for Feedback on Romance Fanfiction, Word Count: 1.128  (Read 113 times)

Offline olganicole

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I am looking for beta readers, so I can get some constructive criticism on my work. Below I have posted a sample of my work.

CHAPTER ONE

Whenever life seems to good to be true, it usually is. That little saying has gained a whole new perspective in the little town of Virginia, Mystic Falls, where nothing is as it seems. In the dark, where shadows lurked, no one could be sure of what was hidden. Beings that have no right to exist according to logic and science were nothing extraordinary and out of the blue in Mystic Falls. Vampires, werewolves, witches and, even, hybrids would be considered as myths just a few years ago by Caroline, but now nothing is the same. In fact, most of those creatures were her either her best friends, acquaintances and some of them were even enemies.

A seemingly normal day in the life of a plain human, in Caroline's life that meant dead people coming back to life, her friends being in danger and in general another dangerous beast would knock on their door or come upon their path. Today was one of those so-called 'normal' days, as the Mystic Falls gang had another urgent issue they needed to take care of, or if I am being honest two. First, being the reckless, unpredictable and insane Silas, who was just another doppelganger, this time resembling to Stefan. Their second task and problem for the day was a little more complex. The one and only Katherine Pierce - or Katerina Petrova, as some may know her - was supposed to be dead. But no, just when all of them thought they had gotten rid of her once and for all, a glorious detail has revealed itself upon Caroline and Stefan on one of their long hours discussions. There was a tinie-tiny possibility that Katherine was not dead, but has actually trespassed to Elena's body as a traveller. This information was brand new for them and came to wreck their already perfectly unstable, supernatural and horrific lives.

As it turned out, Caroline and Stefan were right and Katherine was indeed not actually dead yet, which meant Elena was temporarily put off right now, like in a comma. The only brain and personality that was acting out right now was Katherine's and, taking in consideration that Katherine was kind of evil, everyone was sure that Katherine had to be put down, in order to bring back Elena. But for that to happen, Katherine had to die, which meant that they had to get her to meet with one of them. However, that didn't seem to be possible for now, since Katherine replied negatively to everyone that has asked of her to meet for a more and more ridiculous excuse each time.

No one seemed to be able to think of a proper idea on how to meet up with Katherine, in order to kill her. Not even Damon, who always had something to say. Now, even he remained silent, squeezing his brains out trying to make up a plan, which would lead to Katherine's end and, thus, to Elena coming back to life and to him.

Everyone was gathered around the Salvatore's living room, which included, besides Caroline, Stefan and Damon, Bonnie, Jeremy and the merely human Matt Donovan, all of which struggled to think of something as dark and evil as Katherine Pierce. Yet, as expected, it turned out to mission impossible, taking into consideration that the she-devil was manipulative and wicked, so of course she would always be one step ahead of them. Suddenly, the dead silence was disrupt by a defeaning ringtone, coming out of Matt's phone. Abruptly, he picked it up and everyone stares at him. Some look at him worried for the reason of the call, while others - Damon - glare at him filled with annoyance and murderous thoughts. the other side of the line was none other than Tyler Lockwood himself, sounding a tad frustrated and, as it seemed, bearing bad news.

After a short talk over the phone, he was informed, just like the majority of the room due to supernatural hearing, that amidst his shifting to a werewolf, he had accidentally, as he claimed, bitten Nadia, Katherine's daughter. And there it was, the solution to the root of all of their problems, or to be more exact the problem which had its own name, Katerina Petrova. Everyone was aware about the fact that they could benefit from Nadia's sickness, which would sure lead to her death, because there was no way Katherine would ask Klaus for help. The thing was that no one knew what needed to be done, so that Nadia's state would favor their not so noble intentions.

At the same time, in another city, in another home, a shattered and hungry King was drowning his sorrows in alcohol and human blood. Klaus Mikaelson has faced one of the most heartbreaking incidents that can happen to a human being ; losing his child and then surviving to relive the same pain each and every day of his life. Unfortunately, while for most people lifetime would not last more than a couple of decades, he was doomed to relive the moment his daughter, Hope, left this world forever, since he could neither be killed nor commit suicide. One of the main burdens of being an Original vampire.

Whereas he was alone and drunk in the illusion of peace that the alcohol mixed with blood offered him, Hayley has already moved out of the mansion in a lame attempt to forget all about losing her one child. She didn't need a reminder every moment of the day for the reason behind her daughter's death and Klaus knew it very well and understood completely. Elijah was miserable without Hayley, but he tried to even out the feeling by keeping his mind busy with other occupations, such as running the city of New Orleans, seeing as Klaus was no longer in place to do that anymore. Everything has changed and nothing has remained the same. The city he loved more than anything was ruled over by chaos and destruction, but he didn't seem to care anymore.

The only thing that seemed to give him hope that better days would come was the promise he has made to himself and to Caroline. He has promised to never come back to Mystic Falls, yet an eternal ambition has been born out of ashes. His last words to Caroline hida deeper meaning underneath them. What was left unsaid, but both him and Caroline acknowledged without spelling it out was that he could not return, however that didn't mean that she couldn't seek out for his help or even come in New Orleans in search for him. But that was a long shot and very afar from the reality, which meant only one thing. Klaus Mikaelson was alone and alone he shall remain.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2019, 05:16:06 PM by olganicole »

Offline msgretagreen

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Re: Looking for Feedback on Romance Fanfiction, Word Count: 1.128
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2019, 05:09:19 AM »
Hello Olganicole,

I am new to this site and critiquing work, but here goes...

Whenever life seems to good to be true, it usually is. That little saying has gained a whole new perspective in the little youve used the word little twice in one sentencetown of Virginia, Mystic Falls, where nothing is as it seems. In the dark, where shadows lurkedare there shadows in the dark? Id cut that., no one could be sure of what was hidden. Beings that have no right to exist according to logic and science were nothing extraordinary and out of the blue in Mystic Falls. Vampires, werewolves, witches and, even, hybrids would be considered as myths just a few years ago by Caroline, but now nothing is the same. In fact, most of those creatures were her either her best friends, acquaintances and some of them were even enemies.

A seemingly normal day in the life of a plain humanthe words normal and plain are vague, in Caroline's life that meant dead people coming back to life, her friends being in danger and in general another dangerous beast would knock on their door or come upon their path. Today was one of those so-called 'normal' days, as the Mystic Falls gang had another urgent issue they needed to take care of, or if I am being honest two. First, being the reckless, unpredictable and insane Silas, who was just another doppelganger, this time resembling to Stefan. Their second task and problem for the day was a little more complex. The one and only Katherine Pierce - or Katerina Petrova, as some may know her - was supposed to be dead. But no, just when all of them thought they had gotten rid of her once and for all, a glorious detail has revealed itself upon Caroline and Stefan on one of their long hours discussions. There was a tinie-tiny possibility that Katherine was not dead, but has actually trespassed to Elena's body as a traveller. This information was brand new for them and came to wreck their already perfectly unstable, supernatural and horrific lives. Lots of names introduced here and feeling a lot like backstory. Also written in past tense.

As it turned out, Caroline and Stefan were right and Katherine was indeed not actually dead yet, which meant Elena was temporarily put off right now, like in a comma. The only brain and personality that was acting out right now was Katherine's and, taking in consideration that Katherine was kind of evil, everyone was sure that Katherine had to be put down, in order to bring back Elena.another new name. I am totally confused. But for that to happen, Katherine had to die, which meant that they had to get her to meet with one of them. However, that didn't seem to be possible for now, since Katherine replied negatively to everyone that has asked of her to meet for a more and more ridiculous excuse each time.

No one seemed to be able to think of a proper idea on how to meet up with Katherine, in order to kill her. Not even Damon, who always had something to say. Now, even he remained silent, squeezing his brains out trying to make up a plan, which would lead to Katherine's end and, thus, to Elena coming back to life and to him. this comes off as a lot of telling. where are the scenes? Can you dramatize what is happening? You are suggesting that Damon talks a lot, but as the reader there has been no dialogue to suggest so.

Everyone was gathered around the Salvatore's living room, which included, besides Caroline, Stefan and Damon, Bonnie, Jeremy and the merely human Matt Donovan, all of which struggled to think of something as dark and evil as Katherine Pierce. Yet, as expected, it turned out to mission impossible, taking into consideration that the she-devil was manipulative and wicked, so of course she would always be one step ahead of them. Suddenly, the dead silence was disrupt by a defeaning ringtone, coming out of Matt's phone. Abruptly, he picked it up and everyone stares at him. Some look at him worried for the reason of the call, while others - Damon - glare at him filled with annoyance and murderous thoughts. the other side of the line was none other than Tyler Lockwood himself, sounding a tad frustrated and, as it seemed, bearing bad news.put them in the room and make them talk. explain to the reader why the mission is impossible per what the characters reveal.

I am stopping here because this sounds like a first draft where the writer is establishing the plot: what happens, the scenes, without actually creating the moment. I am not connected to what feels like an outline. Take us to the present moment.

After a short talk over the phone, he was informed, just like the majority of the room due to supernatural hearing, that amidst his shifting to a werewolf, he had accidentally, as he claimed, bitten Nadia, Katherine's daughter. And there it was, the solution to the root of all of their problems, or to be more exact the problem which had its own name, Katerina Petrova. Everyone was aware about the fact that they could benefit from Nadia's sickness, which would sure lead to her death, because there was no way Katherine would ask Klaus for help. The thing was that no one knew what needed to be done, so that Nadia's state would favor their not so noble intentions.

At the same time, in another city, in another home, a shattered and hungry King was drowning his sorrows in alcohol and human blood. Klaus Mikaelson has faced one of the most heartbreaking incidents that can happen to a human being ; losing his child and then surviving to relive the same pain each and every day of his life. Unfortunately, while for most people lifetime would not last more than a couple of decades, he was doomed to relive the moment his daughter, Hope, left this world forever, since he could neither be killed nor commit suicide. One of the main burdens of being an Original vampire.

Whereas he was alone and drunk in the illusion of peace that the alcohol mixed with blood offered him, Hayley has already moved out of the mansion in a lame attempt to forget all about losing her one child. She didn't need a reminder every moment of the day for the reason behind her daughter's death and Klaus knew it very well and understood completely. Elijah was miserable without Hayley, but he tried to even out the feeling by keeping his mind busy with other occupations, such as running the city of New Orleans, seeing as Klaus was no longer in place to do that anymore. Everything has changed and nothing has remained the same. The city he loved more than anything was ruled over by chaos and destruction, but he didn't seem to care anymore.

The only thing that seemed to give him hope that better days would come was the promise he has made to himself and to Caroline. He has promised to never come back to Mystic Falls, yet an eternal ambition has been born out of ashes. His last words to Caroline hida deeper meaning underneath them. What was left unsaid, but both him and Caroline acknowledged without spelling it out was that he could not return, however that didn't mean that she couldn't seek out for his help or even come in New Orleans in search for him. But that was a long shot and very afar from the reality, which meant only one thing. Klaus Mikaelson was alone and alone he shall remain.