Author Topic: Can you guys please review my poem?  (Read 459 times)

Offline Renime17

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Can you guys please review my poem?
« on: April 18, 2019, 03:30:34 PM »
ďUntitledĒ

The rising sun brings about a new morrow
And with it comes a feeling of lasting sorrow
Masked beneath the stretch of my arms, cloaked
This pain exists in my heart whenever itís evoked
It is when I reach beside me, an empty warmth
Holding a barren space since winterís end and thenceforth
Strangled, mangled, without breath
Depressed, obsessed, considering death
Memento mori, itís not yet time
Thereíll be others, so let the sun shine
Come high noon, the feeling goes away
So face your fears and embrace the new day

Offline Louis D. Thorpe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1166
    • Sigmund Freud versus Carl Jung
Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2019, 10:53:41 AM »
I don't consider myself to be an adequate critic of poetry so I am not reviewing -do not believe I am qualified...

Just responding to say that if I wrote it I would call it "heart ache".

Can you judge a poem by its title?

Keep writing

~cheers

Offline Desiderio Paz

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 168
Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2019, 07:41:56 PM »
Hi.
You might want to take a moment to read the posting guidelines, review some other poems, and introduce yourself.
The emotions in "Untitled" are constrained by forcing the rhymes. Throw out every word that isn't essential to express the message and then see if you need to reconstruct a meter to give it the right sound.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 11:47:39 AM by Desiderio Paz »

Offline poet-e

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 92
Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2019, 04:23:52 PM »
About a breakup?

Language/diction seems archaic, like Shakespeare.  IDK if that's what you're going for.

Offline poetryman123

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 80
Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2019, 11:44:54 AM »
Love the cadence and the story behind the poem. Though is feels like a forced rhyme on some of the lines.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline dlp

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 114
Re: Can you guys please review my poem?
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2019, 02:55:16 PM »
every poem needs a title. it is an introduction to a piece. even if it is a line from the poem. "Thereíll be others",  "let the sun shine" are two that would work.