Author Topic: Opening Page - 500 Words - YA Fantasy/Adventure  (Read 187 times)

Offline jessylane318

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Opening Page - 500 Words - YA Fantasy/Adventure
« on: April 07, 2019, 07:39:47 PM »
It was a cold, bitter morning and the first of April that meant only one thing, Nathalie’s Birthday and her subsequence absence. It was like this every year for as long as I could remember. The day would begin hauntingly strange, marked by odd incidents and seemingly innocent pranks. I chalked it all up to Fools Day for the most part, but some things are less foolery than I care to examine.

Like two years ago when I nearly died.

Only, this time was different.

“It was that birthday soup, wasn’t it?” I asked, glancing from the road to her flushed face and then back.

“Jazz, are you not hearing me?” she snarled, her entire body vibrating in anger. “My parents poisoned me!”

“I’m sure they didn’t mean it?”

 “Sure, except Ma was yelling at me for not eating it, she knew as soon as I got up that I’d tossed it to the chickens. Three of them died last night.”

“Oh,” I said and barked out a short, uncomfortable laugh. What do you even say to that? I changed subjects instead. “Think your Dad will chop them up anyways?”

Nathalie’s father was a homesteading butcher. It drove the whole neighborhood batty when he’d just shown up one day with his wife and their daughter and a herd of chickens. My own parents, only two houses down, had been a part of the party attempting to remove them. Regardless of the number of complaints it never made any difference.

My mother, still outraged by the eyesore, called it a work of God.

I leaned more towards magic.

“Yes.” She replied and I glanced over to see her nose flaring. “He was on a roll when I left. Saw the mess and started lopping off heads right there. At the rate he was going we’ll probably be chicken-less by the end of the day.”

Considering their herd was about 20 deep, that was no small feat.

“How’d you get out?” I asked, steering the conversation away before she started detailing the horrid affair. “I was sure they’d lock you in.”

“Oh they wanted to,” she said and then released a heavy, winded sigh. “Ma made me promise to wear this all day.”

Even with a passing glance, the necklace she pulled out was likely the ugliest piece of jewelry I’d ever seen. A thin chain curled around a huge, silver something about the size of my palm. I parked the car in our school parking lot and picked it up to get a better look.

“Is-Is that blood?” I asked, noticing the reddish liquid sloshing inside a giant metal capsule. Feathers poked out the sides and beadwork around the top made it look more like a flying bug. “Eww!”

Nathalie groaned and threw her head back against the seat. I could understand, Nathalie had this weird trait where she couldn't lie and if she promised someone anything, no matter how small, she had to do it. If not, she’d break out in hives at best and the worst I’d seen was when one of her asthma attacks hit and left her bed-ridden for a week. Luckily, the only person that knew about it, was me—and her parents.
« Last Edit: April 07, 2019, 07:52:06 PM by jessylane318 »

Online heartsongjt

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 888
  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
Re: Opening Page - 500 Words - YA Fantasy/Adventure
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2019, 09:43:30 AM »
It was a cold, bitter morning and the first of April that meant only one thing, Nathalie’s Birthday and her subsequence absence. It was like this every year for as long as I could remember. The day would begin hauntingly strange, marked by odd incidents and seemingly innocent pranks. I chalked it all up to Fools Day for the most part, but some things are less foolery than I care to examine.

Like two years ago when I nearly died.

Only, this time was different.

“It was that birthday soup, wasn’t it?” I asked, glancing from the road to her flushed face and then back.

“Jazz, are you not hearing me?” she snarled, her entire body vibrating in anger. “My parents poisoned me!”

“I’m sure they didn’t mean it?”

 “Sure, except Ma was yelling at me for not eating it, she knew as soon as I got up that I’d tossed it to the chickens. Three of them died last night.”

“Oh,” I said and barked out a short, uncomfortable laugh. What do you even say to that? I changed subjects instead. “Think your Dad will chop them up anyways?”

Nathalie’s father was a homesteading butcher. It drove the whole neighborhood batty when he’d just shown up one day with his wife and their daughter and a herd of chickens. My own parents, only two houses down, had been a part of the party attempting to remove them. Regardless of the number of complaints it never made any difference.

My mother, still outraged by the eyesore, called it a work of God.

I leaned more towards magic.

“Yes.” She replied and I glanced over to see her nose flaring. “He was on a roll when I left. Saw the mess and started lopping off heads right there. At the rate he was going we’ll probably be chicken-less by the end of the day.”

Considering their herd was about 20 deep, that was no small feat.

“How’d you get out?” I asked, steering the conversation away before she started detailing the horrid affair. “I was sure they’d lock you in.”

“Oh they wanted to,” she said and then released a heavy, winded sigh. “Ma made me promise to wear this all day.”

Even with a passing glance, the necklace she pulled out was likely the ugliest piece of jewelry I’d ever seen. A thin chain curled around a huge, silver something about the size of my palm. I parked the car in our school parking lot and picked it up to get a better look.

“Is-Is that blood?” I asked, noticing the reddish liquid sloshing inside a giant metal capsule. Feathers poked out the sides and beadwork around the top made it look more like a flying bug. “Eww!”

Nathalie groaned and threw her head back against the seat. I could understand, Nathalie had this weird trait where she couldn't lie and if she promised someone anything, no matter how small, she had to do it. If not, she’d break out in hives at best and the worst I’d seen was when one of her asthma attacks hit and left her bed-ridden for a week. Luckily, the only person that knew about it, was me—and her parents.


jessylane318, It is a very good story. I had no problem reading it. And thank you for teaching me a new word 'lopping' that can be used in place of: chopping or popping.
Good luck with your writing.   jt
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline poetryman123

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 57
Re: Opening Page - 500 Words - YA Fantasy/Adventure
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2019, 11:21:22 AM »
Great story. Love the imageries used here.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline lonnielong

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 57
Re: Opening Page - 500 Words - YA Fantasy/Adventure
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2019, 06:09:59 PM »
You're a good storyteller. It was an enjoyable read.

Maybe it's just me, but the first sentence is a little awkward. It seems like it should end with "April", and then the second part should be a separate sentence, or linked to the first with a semicolon. Also, I get the impression that "subsequence" should be "subsequent".