Author Topic: May I ask something pls?  (Read 251 times)

Offline matain

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May I ask something pls?
« on: March 07, 2019, 06:38:24 AM »
Hi there , My name’s Top.
String, bark peeled from a twig
Nestling comfortably amidst
The twist and fluff..
The shiny conker, scratched
And the paperclip
Jostling with the crackling wrapper
That inexpertly covers the last-chewed gum..

Unused handkerchief, folded still
But bearing the imprint of fingers
Who love mud, and stones,
and the great discoveries that lie
Unheeded at the feet of adults.
Thank in advance.

Offline heartsongjt

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  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
Re: May I ask something pls?
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2019, 10:36:19 AM »
Before I can comment I need to figure out what your writing is about....I first tried to add quote but got hidden URLs that showed in the quote , that took me to some interesting stuff---oathgate, casinos, and a lots of stranger stuff.... but my first thoughts after reading it- led me to think it was about 'rope-making'.

May I ask, why your post has hidden links?

Jan
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline poetryman123

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Re: May I ask something pls?
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2019, 12:46:08 PM »
Hi there , My name’s Top.
String, bark peeled from a twig
Nestling comfortably amidst
The twist and fluff..
The shiny conker, scratched
And the paperclip
Jostling with the crackling wrapper
That inexpertly covers the last-chewed gum..

Unused handkerchief, folded still
But bearing the imprint of fingers
Who love mud, and stones,
and the great discoveries that lie
Unheeded at the feet of adults.
Thank in advance.

I love this piece, good work.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline heartsongjt

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  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
Re: May I ask something pls?
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2019, 01:07:13 PM »
Hi there , My name’s Top.
String, bark peeled from a twig
Nestling comfortably amidst
The twist and fluff..
The shiny conker, scratched
And the paperclip
Jostling with the crackling wrapper
That inexpertly covers the last-chewed gum..


Unused handkerchief, folded still
But bearing the imprint of fingers
Who love mud, and stones,
and the great discoveries that lie
Unheeded at the feet of adults.
Thank in advance.

Interesting     ....
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline indar

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Re: May I ask something pls?
« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2019, 11:52:42 AM »
Hi there , My name’s Top.
String, bark peeled from a twig
Nestling comfortably amidst
The twist and fluff..
The shiny conker, scratched
And the paperclip
Jostling with the crackling wrapper
That inexpertly covers the last-chewed gum..

Unused handkerchief, folded still
But bearing the imprint of fingers
Who love mud, and stones,
and the great discoveries that lie
Unheeded at the feet of adults.
Thank in advance.

Hello Matain,

This poem has the makings of something fun and also instructive. The N enumerates the items of casual litter left in the dirt of this planet. The detail is wonderful, as is the sonics and rhythm. I am bothered however by some inconsistencies. In the title abbreviating "Please" introduces a lazy element into the otherwise careful writing. The request to question is not entirely developed. I have tried to find it after the N describes the litter. I'm guessing the N finds treasure in all the litter and wants to ask how it came to be trash. To my reading the question needs to be asked more directly.

There is also an implied commentary about the way such items are shed in the course of living life inattentively by the greater part of the [population without being preachy. Very nice.