Author Topic: 1,900 Word Snippet - Fantasy - Sweet Tooth  (Read 711 times)

Offline BobbyWest

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
1,900 Word Snippet - Fantasy - Sweet Tooth
« on: February 28, 2019, 09:43:56 PM »

As the vast majority of Titanium Heights sat entombed within their Dream Master headsets, 9 year old Sweetie Samuels remained barricaded within the fort of sheets & pillows that she’d constructed shortly before bedtime. She sat wide awake encircled by empty cans of soda and sugary snacks. She had spent the entirety of her day putting the finishing touches on a carefully crafted plan. For months she had waited very impatiently for her wiggly tooth to fall from its place. Her tooth the key to attracting one of MegaCo’s harvester drones; and after all of this time she was finally ready to catch one.

As the night dragged on she lazily flipped through ancient documents of lands that no longer existed. Lands where magic & fairytales were the norm.  She’d secretly swiped the documents from her best-friend Jetpack and although these types of documents were forbidden within the city, the stories always seemed to resonate with her and were well worth the dangers of being caught. As one hour turned to three, and the bags under her eyes began turning into heavy suitcases Sweetie soon realized that it wouldn’t be long before she would finally succumb to slumber. In a desperate attempt to combat her fatigue she lazily popped open her last can of Electric Fizz. Just as the first gulp sizzled down her throat she noticed a glowing light drifting slowly past the opening to her fort.

“That’s it!” She whispered through a full mouth of bubbling grape flavored fizz, still not knowing exactly what it was that she was supposed to be looking for.

Despite her unsurety she knew that this was the moment that she had planned for, this was the moment that would change her life forever! She quickly reviewed the plans that she’d drawn out using her favorite scented markers, and the next step on her checklist was to arm herself. The left corner of her fort was home to an assortment of deadly weaponry; a plastic baseball bat, a yo-yo, squirt gun, and an uncharacteristically hard teddy bear. Through her trusted technique of eenie-meenie-minie-moe Sweetie confidently made her decision and was ready for battle.

With her teddy bear clutched tightly in hand she cautiously emerged from her periwinkle bunker. She scanned the room for any signs of movement and slowly made way towards her bed where her prized tooth was stowed. As she approached she could hear faint beeps & buzzings emanating from beneath her pillow. Her research had taught her that these sounds signified that the collection process had begun, and at this point she knew she had to move quickly.

As if she were compelled by some unseen force Sweetie quickly snatched her pillow from its place and began her assault. With eyes clenched, she ferociously began to swing her teddy bear through the air in front of her hoping to connect with the machine. With one final swing, and one satisfying thud Sweetie realized that she had knocked the drone from the air and sent it flying into the wall beside her resulting in an eruption of glitter and sparks. Her mind was ablaze as she stood staring at the mangled drone laying atop her sheets.

“I did it. I finally captured one!” She exclaimed as she raised both fists into the air triumphantly.

Thoughts of fame began to fill her mind as she hesitantly reached forward to touch the creature. As Sweetie leaned in to examine the creature it suddenly expelled a final plume of glitter. The glitter seemed to settle solely onto Sweetie’s eyelids and caused them to become extremely heavy. As the world began to fade she heard the drone sizzle out two odd words,

“DNA Confir-firmed..”

Before she had the chance to make any sense of the words she had collapsed into a deep sleep and dreamt like she never had before. 

Sweetie awoke from a whirl of visions to the sound of her mother calling her downstairs. She found herself sitting hunched over a plate of inexplicable goop that her mother oddly kept referring to as ‘breakfast’ as yet another Megacorp commercial played loudly in the living room. Her older brother Sammie slouched lazily on the couch, stupefied inside of his Dream Master Headset. Deep in thought she began to push the food back & forth on her plate as she ran her tongue over her newly toothless gap. She found herself pondering the events of the previous night and soon began to wonder if it had all just been a vivid dream. Sweetie knew that she hadn’t consumed any Dream Elixir and without it dreaming was seemingly impossible, so that couldn’t be the answer. Without excusing herself from the table she leapt off of her chair, and raced up the stairs into her room.

As she careened through her door she scanned her bed for any sign of the drone  but found nothing. She began to tear her room apart in a frenzy knowing that it had to be real! She checked her closet three times, smashed her empty data bank & overturned her bean bag chair all in hopes of finding it. She had almost given up hope when she realized that she had forgotten to check under her bed. With a huff of hope she slowly peered into the depths below.

In the corner amongst crumpled wads of paper & long forgotten toys was the drone. She excitedly reached for the creature & pulled it from its dusty grave. She examined it as she held it in her hand and marveled over the machine. It looked exactly how all of the fairy creatures she’d read about looked, however it was more metallic and less.. ‘alive’. She stuffed the creature into her backpack and ran out the door to meet up with the only person who’d know what to do with this mangled mess..her bestfriend Jetpack.

Sweetie ran down the stairs of her building and was soon amongst the bustling streets of Titanium Heights. The sidewalks hummed under the weight of thousands of people milling to & fro acting out their thoughtless roles. Millions of billboards dotted the skies and glowed upon the sides of steel giants all while imprinting their ads in the back of your mind, and somehow through it all glistened the towering pinnacle of the city, Megacorp HQ.

As Sweetie continued her trek she noticed the ever present scent of Fairy Co. Treats wafting around the city block enticing the populous to file into one of their many shops to purchase their tasty wares. She  contemplated spending an hour in line for a Caramel Strumble Cake, and decided it was definitely worth it. As she dug into her pockets for the spare data needed to purchase her treat a familiar jingle sounded in the skies above. All at once the entirety of the city seemed to stop as the image of Godmother appeared amongst the clouds.

The appearance of the famed creator of incited a wave of cheers & commotion. As the raucous crowd began to settle she informed the city that Nites would be on the lookout for a downed fairy drone that had not returned to HQ the night before. The announcement made Sweetie’s heart skip a beat, she wasn’t sure exactly what would happen if she was caught with the fantastical contraband, but she definitely didn’t have time to stick around and find out. She pushed past the crowd, crossed the city block and finally arrived at the Maglev station.

 She rode the train until she reached Pristine Oaks, Jetpack’s neighborhood. After a couple more minutes of walking through the silver lined streets she finally found herself at Jetpack’s apartment block. As she approached his building she noticed a team of Black Nites exiting through the apartment’s entrance. Nites are the primary source of law enforcement in Titanium Heights and are divided into two separate classes. Black Nites serve as the police force of the city, while the more elite White Nites serve & protect members of high society. As the Black Nites continued towards Sweetie she quickly ducked into a dark, conveniently placed alleyway beside Jetpack’s home. As soon as she heard the steady thud of doorstops begin to fade she cautiously ducked out of the shadows and made her way inside.

Jetpack’s building was home to some of the most renowned researchers & scientists in the city. The corridors were filled with glistening pillars, blinking lights, strobe chandeliers and classical techno music. Even though she had been here many times before it never ceased to take her breath away. She gazed around in awe as she walked haphazardly towards the glass encased elevator at the end of the hallway. Sweetie pressed the elevator’s digital call panel which caused the building’s holographic concierge DuBois to materialize in front of her.

“Ahh, Good day madam Samuels, here to see sir Williams this morning?”

“Yup!” She beamed

“Alright then miss, in you go!”

She hopped inside, Dubois pressed the digital panel and they began their ascent towards the tenth floor. With a sophisticated ding the elevator announced their arrival. She popped out and waved back at Dubois as the glass doors closed and he descended back towards the lobby. She held the straps of her backpack tight as she continued towards Jetpack’s door.

As she raised her finger to poke his doorbell a towering figure burst out of the apartment and sent Sweetie tumbling backwards. As she regathered herself and wiped the stars from her eyes she realized that she was staring directly up at a Black Nite.

She scrambled to her feet and recollected her bag as fear coursed through every vein in her body.  Though the robotic entity possessed no distinct facial features Sweetie felt as if he was staring directly through her as they stood in the doorway face to face. It seemed as if time stood still, the music that once emanated throughout the building became overshadowed by the pulsing of her own heartbeat. Her body remained frozen as she realized that she had begun to glow. As if her aura had suddenly become visible blue beams of light began to bounce off of her skin. Puzzled, she also noticed that she was able to see the contents of her bag as if she’d suddenly developed x-ray vision! At this point she realized that the Nite was scanning her and was fully aware of the secret hiding within her bag.

Suddenly, with a booming electronic voice the Knight demanded her to release her backpack. She quickly looked around for any possible means of escape. As she scanned the halls she noticed that multiple people had begun to poke their heads out of cracked doors just to see what was going on, none though with the intentions of helping her.  Sweat began spewing from her pores as the Nite demanded for the second time that she drop her belongings, this time with more authority.

Realizing that she had run out of options she reluctantly decided that it’d be best for her to turn over her newly acquired possession. Just as she began to loosen her grip, strange symbols began to glitch upon the Nite’s face plate as his body lurched forward and went limp.

Offline nosuchmember

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1067
    • Heartsong's Poetry  Diary
Re: 1,900 Word Snippet - Fantasy - Sweet Tooth
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2019, 07:45:17 AM »
BobbyWest, I'll read this, again, to get a better understanding of what is happening, and share my thoughts.  Thank you for posting your story.


Offline nosuchmember

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1067
    • Heartsong's Poetry  Diary
Re: 1,900 Word Snippet - Fantasy - Sweet Tooth
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2019, 11:32:50 AM »
It's an interesting story.
I suggest you read the story out loud (record the reading) and play the recording. That's one of the best ways to find mistakes made in the writing of a story. I did note you used the word knight ,then changed the spelling to nite.

Never give up your dream....

Best of luck with your writing.

Offline leah.anaya

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 10
Re: 1,900 Word Snippet - Fantasy - Sweet Tooth
« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2019, 12:46:10 AM »
So far, I love the idea and the suspense in the story and I'm itching to read more.  I already love Sweetie and want to know more about her.

I'm not sure of the exact type of critique you're looking for at this point, but I would go back and take a look to see where there are missing commas, as I noticed a few places where they were needed.

Also, it's not completely necessary because it's well written, but if you wanted to you could add some more suspense in certain places, like when she decides to look under her bed for the drone, it seemed like she would maybe have been shocked that she hadn't already looked there.  Then she finds it right away, where she maybe reaches under and actually grabs one of the crumpled papers or forgotten toys you mentioned before brushing against and pulling out the drone.  Something like that, but again that's just a suggestion and I like how you've written it.

I want to read the rest!