Author Topic: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant  (Read 554 times)

Offline EliTaffJr

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500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« on: February 15, 2019, 12:05:30 AM »
I remember writing this one because it痴 the only story in my anthology that didn稚 have an outline. It started as a free write that continued growing and branching out and connecting itself to the other stories in interesting ways. In the end, I really like how it answers questions posed by earlier stories while presenting new ones. I hope you like it!

THE VAGRANT
500 Words

They called him the Vagrant because no one knew his name.

The old man stumbled into Cleshire Village one day and never left.

覧覧覧覧覧覧

The Vagrant crouched in the mud of the marketplace, mumbling to himself.

His long white hair hung over his bearded face. He shivered in the dry morning air.

A pot-bellied man walked by and kicked the Vagrant.

鼎ome now, Golbert, leave him be! Vera Pudgullet chided from where she was sweeping the stoop of her inn. 滴e ain稚 causin ye no trouble!

滴e causes me plenty! Golbert pointed. 擢ilthy bastard planted his arse in front of me shop yesterday, scared away the decent folk!

展e池e in the middle of a war! Vera said as Golbert stormed off. Her eyes widened 鄭h! Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Welcome!

An old man and a Halfling with a mop of dark, curly hair rode past on slow, tired donkeys. Their glazed and weary eyes scanned the streets and buildings.

鼎ome in and warm ye壮elves by me fire! Vera Pudgullet shouted. 的 have a wonderful quail egg porridge! Best in the Southlands!

The Halfling yawned.

展hat say you, old timer? He whispered. 的 think we致e gained a nice lead. Not a purple robe in sight. You wanna stretch your legs? I知 starving.

添ou池e a Halfling. The old man said. 添ou池e always starving.

溺y lady! The Halfling said. 的 am Crown Prince Matalesta Van Honeybottom, of Picklewick Bay. This is my manservant: Chibby Figgis. Ready two bowls of your delicious porridge, posthaste!

迭ight away, milord!

She ran off. The Halfling turned to his companion and smirked.

典his will be good for us, Michal. You値l see.

溺ichal the Vagrant mumbled.

Michal glanced at the pathetic figure crouching in the mud.

泥ear gods Michal gasped. 的t cannot be.

展hat? The Halfling asked.

覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧

Gwendolyn held the knife to Todrik痴 neck.

Her hand shook.

的知 sorry. She said. 滴e is corrupted. If you壇 seen him you would have killed him.

鉄een who? Todrik was still under the effects of Gwendolyn痴 Paralysis spell.

It took a great effort for him to spit the words out.

撤hilip. Gwendolyn pulled away the knife and wrapped her fingers around Todrik痴 forehead. 徹ur son.

展hat? Todrik痴 eyes widened as Gwendolyn spoke the words of an ancient, terrible spell. 敵wenny!

Todrik痴 brain melted.

覧覧覧覧覧覧覧

Todrik Willamont jerked awake.

His ribs ached and his stomach burned.

A large man approached.

泥amned beggar! Golbert lashed out with a heavy boot.

Before the kick landed, Todrik grabbed Golbert痴 foot and twisted it, bringing the big man to the ground. Then, Todrik pressed his knee into the butcher痴 fat neck.

敵ods! Golbert gurgled and gasped.

鉄hut up. Where am I? Todrik said.

鼎leshire Cleshire Village

展here the hell is Cleshire Village? Todrik asked. Golbert痴 face turned a deep purple. 鄭nswer!

鉄outhern coast. A day痴 ride from Stormhaven

Todrik stood and dusted himself off.

He walked away with his head held high.

Like a soldier.

覧覧覧覧覧覧覧覧

展ho was that? The Halfling asked, his mouth full of porridge.

Michal shrugged. 鄭n old dragon.

Horror Flash Fiction Anthology - Killer Space Clown
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Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction Anthology - Flashes of Death and Darkness
http://bit.ly/2ykzcTh

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Offline heartsongjt

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2019, 12:46:57 PM »
Eli,I have put your books on my 'to read' list....... Thank you for sharing your stories.    Jan
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline EliTaffJr

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2019, 03:20:06 PM »
Eli,I have put your books on my 'to read' list....... Thank you for sharing your stories.    Jan

Wow, thank you, Jan! That is truly appreciated. I believe that is the highest praise one can get on these forums!
Horror Flash Fiction Anthology - Killer Space Clown
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Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction Anthology - Flashes of Death and Darkness
http://bit.ly/2ykzcTh

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Offline heartsongjt

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #3 on: February 15, 2019, 07:02:29 PM »
Wow, thank you, Jan! That is truly appreciated. I believe that is the highest praise one can get on these forums!

You welcome. You have shared nothing but 'read worthy'  flash friction, IMO.     Jan
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline Karinanovak

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2019, 04:06:14 AM »
I love that through the conversations of your charecters a very vivid scene is painted. You could clearly imagine the setting. Well done .

Offline EliTaffJr

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2019, 04:24:32 AM »
I love that through the conversations of your charecters a very vivid scene is painted. You could clearly imagine the setting. Well done .

Thank you very much! I used to do a lot of community theatre haha so sometimes the dialogue of the characters takes over the narrative descriptions. If you can hear the voices I. Your head as you read, I think that痴 the mark I want to always aim for. Thank you for the feedback!
Horror Flash Fiction Anthology - Killer Space Clown
http://bit.ly/2t2pNN8

Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction Anthology - Flashes of Death and Darkness
http://bit.ly/2ykzcTh

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Offline Dustin91

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2019, 07:42:32 PM »
Hello Eli,

The writing here is pretty good imo. The scenes are easy enough to imagine and you keep them coming at a digestible pace. Unfortunately the moderately cliche high fantasy delivery kept me from ever being fully under the spell. This story?, chapter? (more on that later) doesn't do much to stand out from the crowd but instead relies on the formulaic tropes established by the genre's archetypes with which we're all too familiar.

You mention this was the result of a free write. Perhaps it could benefit from an outline, because as it stands there is no certain direction in which the reader can anticipate the story continuing. I'm not familiar with anthologies that interconnect their respective stories, but what we have here reads, to me, much more like a chapter than an individual story. More than that, it feels like a rather flat, disjointed video game story line.

Reduced to its essentials, the story arc follows as thus: the Vagrant is seen inexplicably loafing around a village until one day a denizen of the (surprise) Medieval European county attempts to kick him, at which point the Vagrant counters the pot-bellied assailant, demands information as to his own whereabouts, then walks off proudly. Presumably Todrik is en route to either save or kill his corrupted son, but this is not altogether clear. Generally there's just not much to chew on.

Given what we have, my suggestion would be to flesh this out more with respect to the overarching story line and perhaps consider why your overall story needs to be in anthology form, or if it would benefit from being adapted into novel form.

Hope this helps,
Dustin

Offline EliTaffJr

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2019, 08:50:51 PM »
Hello Eli,

The writing here is pretty good imo. The scenes are easy enough to imagine and you keep them coming at a digestible pace. Unfortunately the moderately cliche high fantasy delivery kept me from ever being fully under the spell. This story?, chapter? (more on that later) doesn't do much to stand out from the crowd but instead relies on the formulaic tropes established by the genre's archetypes with which we're all too familiar.

You mention this was the result of a free write. Perhaps it could benefit from an outline, because as it stands there is no certain direction in which the reader can anticipate the story continuing. I'm not familiar with anthologies that interconnect their respective stories, but what we have here reads, to me, much more like a chapter than an individual story. More than that, it feels like a rather flat, disjointed video game story line.

Reduced to its essentials, the story arc follows as thus: the Vagrant is seen inexplicably loafing around a village until one day a denizen of the (surprise) Medieval European county attempts to kick him, at which point the Vagrant counters the pot-bellied assailant, demands information as to his own whereabouts, then walks off proudly. Presumably Todrik is en route to either save or kill his corrupted son, but this is not altogether clear. Generally there's just not much to chew on.

Given what we have, my suggestion would be to flesh this out more with respect to the overarching story line and perhaps consider why your overall story needs to be in anthology form, or if it would benefit from being adapted into novel form.

Hope this helps,
Dustin

Thank you, Dustin! Your critique is much appreciated. It was very well articulated and there is a lot I want to unpack from it while I continue working on it. Thanks again.
Horror Flash Fiction Anthology - Killer Space Clown
http://bit.ly/2t2pNN8

Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction Anthology - Flashes of Death and Darkness
http://bit.ly/2ykzcTh

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Offline MikeAnderson

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2019, 02:17:58 PM »
Short, snappy tales of adventure. I've been looking through your flash works on this site, and I've enjoyed them immensely.

The story is simple to follow along, and I've been impressed you can fit so much story into bite-sized chunks. I do agree with Dustin some more development could help, but you have a great blueprint for a fun series in the making.

Even if medieval fantasy can be played out, as long as quality tales can be told, it's still a valid genre. Thanks for your contributions, Eli.


Offline EliTaffJr

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Re: 500 Words - Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction - The Vagrant
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2019, 08:19:48 PM »
Short, snappy tales of adventure. I've been looking through your flash works on this site, and I've enjoyed them immensely.

The story is simple to follow along, and I've been impressed you can fit so much story into bite-sized chunks. I do agree with Dustin some more development could help, but you have a great blueprint for a fun series in the making.

Even if medieval fantasy can be played out, as long as quality tales can be told, it's still a valid genre. Thanks for your contributions, Eli.

Thanks for the comment and for the kind words. I am currently working on more stories for my next anthology and was so glad to read your post. It is the best feeling in the world for us insecure and self-critical writers to read that the stories we put out there for the public are enjoyed, so thank you for making my day. Now, back into the Writing Cave!

All the best,
Eli
Horror Flash Fiction Anthology - Killer Space Clown
http://bit.ly/2t2pNN8

Dark Fantasy Flash Fiction Anthology - Flashes of Death and Darkness
http://bit.ly/2ykzcTh

Join my mailing list and be the first to Beta read and receive FREE advanced review copies of all my work!
http://www.elitaffjr.com