Author Topic: The Bar. 2100 words. Fiction. Some language.  (Read 2245 times)

Offline An Albatross Man

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Re: The Bar. 2100 words. Fiction. Some language.
« Reply #15 on: April 23, 2019, 12:15:50 PM »
Thanks for the feedback.

I see your point, and I was going for a  . . . well, a look thing. She looks visibly more comfortable and okay with the handshake.

Didn't mean to be harsh. Please don't take it that way.  (Or do take it that way, if that is how you find your best motivation.)  To elaborate on the point above, I figured you weren't deliberately head-hopping--just trying to briefly note Devon's perception of what Ruly was thinking/looking at. I find myself wanting to do the same thing all the time in scenes between two or more characters. The way I handle it is make it clear that the thought or behavior of the non-viewpoint character is only being guessed at or observed by the view point character.  Examples:

"Ruly hesitated, looking at his outstretched hand with what might have been quaint surprise. She smiled and shook it anyway."

"She forced a laugh, but Devon noticed her eyes darting back-and-forth between him and something under the counter, out of his sight. A gun, no doubt." 

There is always an element of uncertainty in one character's observation of another.  You don't know for sure, because the viewpoint characters doesn't know for sure. And frankly, the uncertainty aspect is what makes it interesting to read. A truly omniscient narrator, who tells you everything, right up front, is like watching a movie with an over-talkative friend who has seen it before and keeps explains the scenes to you.   

Hope that helps.

Offline landmersm

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Re: The Bar. 2100 words. Fiction. Some language.
« Reply #16 on: April 23, 2019, 12:38:56 PM »
No worries. You were not harsh.

If I didn't want criticism, I wouldn't be on here. I've had critiques I've agreed with and not. I've had ones that opened my eyes.  It's why we're all here.
My blog is  (It's new-ish!)

Also, check out my self-published first novel, The Last Time

@  (Amazon link)

Offline mcc1789

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Re: The Bar. 2100 words. Fiction. Some language.
« Reply #17 on: April 26, 2019, 09:53:17 PM »
Wow, that was very interesting. I felt very compelled by the characters. You get some real sense from them even with the brief descriptions. I almost wish it was longer, to see more about these "devils". However, it makes sense in this length.

Offline Kit

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Re: The Bar. 2100 words. Fiction. Some language.
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2019, 01:02:13 PM »
Hi landmersm,

Great story, nice building of tension.  Would want to read more.  Iím a fan of the dark.

What is the connection between olí Trent and the rest of the story?

Instead of: ďHe closed his eyes for a moment and made a sound something close to sexual gratification.Ē  - maybe describe the sound he makes.

Itís not clear to me that she shot herself at the end.  Once you explained that she did, itís not clear to me what her motivation was for doing so.  Is it because she now has the horrible images in her head too?

Thanks for sharing your writing.