Author Topic: Dissonance  (Read 353 times)

Offline cafazor16

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Dissonance
« on: February 03, 2019, 01:19:25 AM »
Hello! I would love constructive criticism and feedback. I'm not well-versed in knowing what makes a "Good" poem; I just write and see where the words take me. But I would love to have actual knowledge of poetry, so please please please tell me how I could make this better.

Dissonance

A cool Saturday morning starts out like the last bite of butterscotch
You sit sweet on my tongue
A lasting memory of final melted snowflakes.
When afternoon rolls around, golden crisps break forth from eager eyelids
A glow that pushes a hesitation button a little too quickly
Perhaps not.
I weigh my options:
Wrong or Left-
The invisible, impossible third choice lurks out of reach
Hot chocolate will push down shame, this time
Make sure there’s whipped cream.
Reminders that cool becomes cold and love becomes broken
Stifle a sigh
Hands gripping ribcages and gravitational pulls into nothing but darkness
A hushed star swells with evening.
The kneeler hurts and the screen is too thick
Deafness was the last wish of my God.
Resolved to button the final button,
I turn away,
Oblivious to an angel’s fingerprint
Laying the first note of snow—
Sunday morning.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2019, 01:21:26 AM by cafazor16 »

Offline poetryman123

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Re: Dissonance
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2019, 09:26:01 AM »
I like it but the part where you mentioned a hushed star seems to be almost like a grammar problem but really it isn't.
yonathanasefaw.wordpress.com

Offline heartsongjt

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  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
Re: Dissonance
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2019, 11:52:07 PM »
Hello! I would love constructive criticism and feedback. I'm not well-versed in knowing what makes a "Good" poem; I just write and see where the words take me. But I would love to have actual knowledge of poetry, so please please please tell me how I could make this better.

Dissonance

A cool Saturday morning starts out like the last bite of butterscotch
You sit sweet on my tongue
A lasting memory of final melted snowflakes.
When afternoon rolls around, golden crisps break forth from eager eyelids
A glow that pushes a hesitation button a little too quickly
Perhaps not.
I weigh my options:
Wrong or Left-
The invisible, impossible third choice lurks out of reach
Hot chocolate will push down shame, this time
Make sure there’s whipped cream.
Reminders that cool becomes cold and love becomes broken
Stifle a sigh
Hands gripping ribcages and gravitational pulls into nothing but darkness
A hushed star swells with evening.
The kneeler hurts and the screen is too thick
Deafness was the last wish of my God.
Resolved to button the final button,
I turn away,
Oblivious to an angel’s fingerprint
Laying the first note of snow—
Sunday morning.

I like your poem.

I put it in different form to see what it would look like:

Dissonance

A cool Saturday morning starts out
like the last bite of butterscotch
You sit sweet on my tongue
A lasting memory of final melted
snowflakes.

When afternoon rolls around, golden crisps
break forth from eager eyelids
A glow that pushes a hesitation button
a little too quickly Perhaps not.

I weigh my options: Wrong or Left-
The invisible, impossible third choice lurks
out of reach
Hot chocolate will push down shame, this time
Make sure there’s whipped cream.

Reminders that cool becomes cold and love
becomes broken
Stifle a sigh
Hands gripping ribcages and gravitational pulls
into nothing but darkness
A hushed star swells with evening.

The kneeler hurts and the screen is too thick
Deafness was the last wish of my God.

Resolved to button the final button,
I turn away,
Oblivious to an angel’s fingerprint
Laying the first note of snow—
Sunday morning.

I hope you continue writing, and sharing your poems.

Best of luck with your writing.

Jan

Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline indar

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Re: Dissonance
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2019, 07:04:32 PM »
Hello,

The very first thing I want to say is do not capitalize the first word of every line. There was a time when that was done in poetry--but no longer.

Your poem has a bit of a mixture of plain-spokeness and abstract language. The plainspokenness is engaging. The use of food to salve hurt is relatable. Much of the imagery is insightful.

There are some words, thoughts and phrases that are abstract such as "a lasting memory" and "love becomes broken"
 Other parts of the poem tell the reader this poem is about broken love and memories--we don't need it spelled out in "empty" words. On the whole nice first post. I look forward to more of your work here.