Author Topic: Paradise  (Read 597 times)

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Paradise
« on: November 12, 2018, 04:48:17 PM »
Paradise

Every road we tried, we were turned back: they were all blocked with burning cars. We saw deer and other animals on fire--that was hard. I started to think we weren't going to make it out

Jackie, Paradise fire survivor

Santana,
devil wind
blows
against nature:
from the east
heated off salt flats,
whirled from
sidewinder backs
blasts
high, dry hills
summons,
releases,
sets on the move
towering black genies

leaning west
long dark arms
stretched
across blazed skies
advancing slow
seaward,
led by sizzling grasses,
exploding eucalyptus,
birds in blow-torch pines.

fed by family photographs,
the carefully
laid-away
wedding dress,
great grandmother's
spinning wheel,
goats roasted
on the livestock fence,
sacrificed
to the freeing of the light


I originally wrote a different version of this during the Cedar Fire just east of where I live. These recent fires are setting new records for intensity and devestation
« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 04:53:40 PM by indar »

Offline Mark T

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4063
Re: Paradise
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2018, 05:38:06 PM »
Powerful and descriptive writing, authentic. The words are stacked tall like a pall of smoke.
Thanks for posting, and welcome back.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 05:40:06 PM by Mark T »

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Paradise
« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2018, 05:46:12 PM »
Thanks Mark, for the read and positive comments--good to be back.

Offline heartsongjt

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 834
  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
    • The Spirit Within Poetry
Re: Paradise
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2018, 05:52:23 PM »
indar , I agree with mark it's a powerful write. Though very sad.   Welcome Back   
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Paradise
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 05:59:46 PM »
Thank you Jan,
Sad indeed. I see you are designated a researcher: that's something new on this forum. What does it mean?

Offline heartsongjt

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 834
  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
    • The Spirit Within Poetry
Re: Paradise
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2018, 06:17:19 PM »
Thank you Jan,
Sad indeed. I see you are designated a researcher: that's something new on this forum. What does it mean?


indar I research and post information that might be of interest  too new and seasoned writers.
If a MWC member has a writing question or needs help researching a subject, I'll be more than happy to help.     jt   
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Paradise
« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2018, 07:21:08 PM »
Good to know--thanks

Offline heartsongjt

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 834
  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
    • The Spirit Within Poetry
Re: Paradise
« Reply #7 on: November 12, 2018, 07:41:48 PM »
Good to know--thanks

You're very  Welcome   indar.
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline AntonioM

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 557
  • I am all that is myself
Re: Paradise
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2018, 05:01:39 AM »
Great pacing and diction. However, as a whole it seemed sterile, desensitised, and didn't give me the cathartic moment I wanted. . . Where's the anguish, grief stages? Where's the accusations in climate change? Or follow the classical Cannon in Milton, Morrison, or Inferno? Classicism, sexism, religion?



Antonio
ARM

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Paradise
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2018, 06:08:32 PM »
Thank you Antonio,
You raise some interesting issues. I seem to be writing quite a bit of political/protest poetry lately and realize much of it seems ---strident. In an attempt to be more ambiguous I thought I implied the "accusation in climate change" by the devil wind that blows "against nature". I'm curious why you suggest I follow the classical motif established by such writers as Milton--is it because of my introductory stanzas? So glad you have given this a thoughtful read and, perhaps see ways I can improve. Love to hear more.

Offline Desiderio Paz

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 161
Re: Paradise
« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2019, 04:50:04 PM »
I learned something today. I never heard the winds referred to as "santanas". I was taught the etymology settled that the origin of the name was based on the general. I see now that is widely disputed.
I found the poem moving with anguish and condolence. I think a possible enhancement might be the addition of scarlet or crimson imagery to the second stanza. In the last line, maybe, like the black genies, the light is "escaping". Taking a cue from the opening sentence, a burning car would add macabre mystery to the last stanza.
Thank you for sharing.

Offline Fairfaxpoet

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
Re: Paradise
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2019, 07:24:37 PM »
Wonderful read to reintroduce to this fourm

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Paradise
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2019, 10:18:08 PM »
Thank you for the thoughtful read, Desi (if I may)

Your suggestions are excellent. I continue to rework poems--sometimes for years. You've reminded me there is opportunity for more imagery and I will look at ways to incorporate fire colors. Yes, the burning car is ironic if one is willing to face the "inconvenient truth" re: the cause of these unnaturally horrific fires.

 Thank you Fairfax, I appreciate the read and positive comment.

Offline heartsongjt

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 834
  • A/K/A Jan (Sanford) Tetstone
    • The Spirit Within Poetry
Re: Paradise
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2019, 06:00:19 PM »
Indar ...   After doing research on the Paradise fire and reading your poem "Paradise' again, it brought to mind, John Milton's poem "Paradise Lost."    Good write.        Jan
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3794
Re: Paradise
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2019, 06:24:32 PM »
You're right Jan, hellish.