Author Topic: Frail  (Read 568 times)

Offline Flynn V.

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« on: January 02, 2019, 08:10:00 PM »
Criticism and feedback is greatly appreciated! :-)

Red, dreadful dreary ghost quietly rears its head.
In bustling storm, thunder offers rebuttal;
and all that was said was said.
But still the sleeping sadness was still,
the creeping smile passes on.
Through bleak valley, blinding rays of violet,
and violent raging calm is racing
With soaking tears the batch of drink is hurried,
buried in a grave not too far.
Scars of ignorance.
Oblivious stray.
Heart of innocence,
Turns hideous gray.
With forceful pounding,
My monster must make entrance.

Offline nosuchmember

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Re: Frail
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2019, 05:12:24 PM »
Well written Flynn.  There is something sad intertwined in your words. 


Offline dlp

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Re: Frail
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2019, 04:13:18 AM »
poetry is a condensed form of language, any word not needed has to go. words like -- and but, and, even the, needs to be look at. there are a couple that i think can go.  The line "and all that was said was said" might be one, there are a few more that can go also.  the line
"But still the sleeping sadness was still"  needs to be worked on .all and all a good poem. of course the ideas are imp. 

Offline poetryman123

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Re: Frail
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2019, 01:55:43 PM »
Interesting piece.