Author Topic: Reflection - 350 words  (Read 316 times)

Offline reece_lennox

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Reflection - 350 words
« on: December 30, 2018, 06:59:33 PM »
Reflection

He stood there. Motionless. Blankly looking at the tarnished mirror in front of him. Face to face with his own reflection his own worst enemy. The more he looked, the more nauseated he became of his own physique. He clenched his gut and vibrated the excess fat praying, wishing it would miraculously vanish. But he knew no matter how hard he tried, his wish would never be granted. For a moment, his stomach bellowed with hunger. There was a place of food at the bottom of his bed. It was untouched. The meat had become cold. He slowly walked over and picked it up.
Ugh, looks bloody disgusting. He slurred, as he poured the contents of the plate into the bin. The scraping noise echoed in his ears.
There was food in the bin from the dinner last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. It had been a while since hed last eaten properly. His diet consisted of crisps and water. He felt like he was hollow on the inside. Once again, Lachlan found himself staring at the mirror. He inhaled. Breathing in. Trying to make himself look skinnier. Although, when he breathed back out he looked swollen again. There were stretch marks engraved at the side of his hips. A constant reminder of what he became. There would be times hes put up a front. Pretend that he was content. That he didnt care. But eventually the masks fade, and the reality would catch up with him again. Even if he felt comfortable for a split second hed look in the mirror and it would come flooding back. Or hed see a picture of himself. Or hed look online and see people with better bodies than him. It was inescapable. After turning the lights out, Lachlan retreated to his bed. The dim light from his phone lit up his face. His dark brown eyes looked drained. Bags began to form under them. For a moment, he turned his phone off. Alone in the pitch black. The only company he had was the thoughts in his head.

Offline landmersm

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Re: Reflection - 350 words
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2018, 10:39:36 PM »
You should really read the rules about posting and using the correct formatting. Copying and pasting from Word or wherever can sometimes look wonky once it hits the Circle here.

I'll skip over your low post total and give you a little advice:

Proofread. Most people here are friendly and won't bash you too much for a couple of grammar mistakes, but yours has several. Also, the sentence structure is difficult to follow in some places. Honestly, I couldn't get through the entire thing. I skimmed most of it. Nothing grabbed my attention.

I hope you don't think I'm mean, but you do need to polish up a little before you post. You are, supposedly, putting your heart and soul into what you write. Make sure it's your best offering.

These are just my opinions. Take them for what they are: Some random internet person saying things about what you've done.

Best of luck.
My blog is  https://betterdevil.wordpress.com/  (It's new-ish!)

Also, check out my self-published first novel, The Last Time

@ http://a.co/d/hP980yk  (Amazon link)

Online heartsongjt

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Re: Reflection - 350 words
« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2018, 01:01:38 AM »
Reflection

He stood there. Motionless. Blankly looking at the tarnished mirror in front of him. Face to face with his own reflection his own worst enemy. The more he looked, the more nauseated he became of his own physique. He clenched his gut and vibrated the excess fat praying, wishing it would miraculously vanish. But he knew no matter how hard he tried, his wish would never be granted. For a moment, his stomach bellowed with hunger. There was a place of food at the bottom of his bed. It was untouched. The meat had become cold. He slowly walked over and picked it up.
Ugh, looks bloody disgusting. He slurred, as he poured the contents of the plate into the bin. The scraping noise echoed in his ears.
There was food in the bin from the dinner last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. It had been a while since he'd last eaten properly. His diet consisted of crisps and water. He felt like he was hollow on the inside. Once again, Lachlan found himself staring at the mirror. He inhaled. Breathing in. Trying to make himself look skinnier. Although, when he breathed back out he looked swollen again. There were stretch marks engraved at the side of his hips. A constant reminder of what he became. There would be times hes put up a front. Pretend that he was content. That he didn't care. But eventually the masks fade, and the reality would catch up with him again. Even if he felt comfortable for a split second he'd look in the mirror and it would come flooding back. Or he'd see a picture of himself. Or he'd look online and see people with better bodies than him. It was inescapable. After turning the lights out, Lachlan retreated to his bed. The dim light from his phone lit up his face. His dark brown eyes looked drained. Bags began to form under them. For a moment, he turned his phone off. Alone in the pitch black. The only company he had was the thoughts in his head.

First of all, I agree with Landermersm . But having read old posts by writers who not only gave their opinions about a story but actually tried to help new writers improve what they had written, I thought I'd give it a try.

Reflection

He stood motionless looking at his reflection in the mirror. The more he looked the more nauseated he became at what he saw. He clenched his gut with his hand and vibrated the excess fat praying, wishing it would miraculously vanish,knowing, no matter how hard he tried his wish would never be granted.

His stomach bellowed with hunger. He slowly walked over to the foot of his bed and picked up a plate of untouched food. Ugh, looks bloody disgusting, He mumbled, emptying the plate of food into the bin; The scraping noise echoing in his ears.It had been awhile since hed last ate properly. His diet consisted of crisps and water. He felt like he was hollow on the inside.

Once again, Lachlan found himself staring at the mirror. His dark brown eyes, with bags under them, looking drained, stared back at him. He breathed in, trying to make himself look skinnier. Then he breathed out only to look swollen again.

There were stretch marks engraved on his hips. A constant reminder of what he had become. There were times he'd put up a front, pretending he was content and didn't care. But eventually the mask faded, and the reality would catch up to him again; He'd look in the mirror, see a picture of himself, or look online and see people with better bodies than his. It was inescapable.

After turning out the light Lachlan retreated to his bed. The dim light from his phone lit up his face for a moment, before he turned it off and  lay alone in the dark. The only company he had was the thoughts in his head.

Landmersm, don't pull no punches..... One can't learn from their mistakes-unless they know what mistakes they made.

Reece, I wish you the best of luck with your writing.        Jan
« Last Edit: December 31, 2018, 01:19:37 PM by heartsongjt »
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Online AspiringAuthor

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Re: Reflection - 350 words
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2019, 09:18:04 PM »
Others pointed out the formatting/spelling/grammar mistakes so Ill talk about the story instead.

We have a self-loathing fatass on a diet. Is that an interesting premise? As far as Im concerned, no, it is not but this is a personal opinion. The atmosphere and the style are a bit too depressing and grim for it to be a YA novel. Teenagers (particularly, teenage girls I assume) might be inclined to read something like this but itd have to be a girl protagonist not a dude.

If you mention the genre and the direction of where your story is going I might change my mind but for now I dont find it interesting.

Offline rachelleclimbeck

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Re: Reflection - 350 words
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2019, 08:56:02 PM »
Reflection

He stood there. Motionless. Blankly looking at the tarnished mirror in front of him. Face to face with his own reflection his own worst enemy. The more he looked, the more nauseated he became of his own physique. He clenched his gut and vibrated the excess fat praying, wishing it would miraculously vanish. But he knew no matter how hard he tried, his wish would never be granted. For a moment, his stomach bellowed with hunger. There was a place of food at the bottom of his bed. It was untouched. The meat had become cold. He slowly walked over and picked it up.
Ugh, looks bloody disgusting. He slurred, as he poured the contents of the plate into the bin. The scraping noise echoed in his ears.
There was food in the bin from the dinner last night. And the night before that. And the night before that. It had been a while since hed last eaten properly. His diet consisted of crisps and water. He felt like he was hollow on the inside. Once again, Lachlan found himself staring at the mirror. He inhaled. Breathing in. Trying to make himself look skinnier. Although, when he breathed back out he looked swollen again. There were stretch marks engraved at the side of his hips. A constant reminder of what he became. There would be times hes put up a front. Pretend that he was content. That he didnt care. But eventually the masks fade, and the reality would catch up with him again. Even if he felt comfortable for a split second hed look in the mirror and it would come flooding back. Or hed see a picture of himself. Or hed look online and see people with better bodies than him. It was inescapable. After turning the lights out, Lachlan retreated to his bed. The dim light from his phone lit up his face. His dark brown eyes looked drained. Bags began to form under them. For a moment, he turned his phone off. Alone in the pitch black. The only company he had was the thoughts in his head.
I am not an expert so all I have are some friendly thoughts :)
I relate to his self consciousness, personally.So I'd have to disagree with other opinions that this is boring, because to me I don't feel that is the case. Stretch marks are not a good medical indicator of obesity, but very often they are deemed to be a sign of that very thing. Stretch marks indicate skin being stretched a lot over a short period of time. It says next to nothing about overall size. I have had stretch marks since I was 13 when I was 4'11 and weighed 90 pounds. So I would ignore the comment about the "fatass", because there is really nothing in your writing that says definitively that your subject IS ACTUALLY overweight an not just suffering from self image issues or anorexia. Or bulimia.
Who doesn't look in the mirror and hate what they see? Liars, maybe.
I find your tone is a little flat and emotionless overall, but is that a bad thing? The reality of self esteem issues is a flat, inescapable pit of depression and hate from which there is no escape. Over time you don't notice the hate and depression as much as you do the overall empty feeling inside. So it makes sense to me that your tone is a little emotionless. Over time we become numb.
I think while many men will claim to not struggle from self esteem issues or to not be interested in reading about them, they are turning a blind eye to the reality of the number of men in adulthood AND adolescence who struggle from body image issues but don't feel they are "manly" or accepted if they admit it. Just because they tell your friends they wouldn't read your book doesn't mean they won't read it at home when their friends leave. Your writing displays the bleak plane many people observe themselves from, even MEN.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles. I enjoyed your writing and I'm curious to see how this snapshot fits in the overall theme of your work.
Thanks for posting!
(side note: yes there are a few grammatical errors I see also.)

Offline rachelleclimbeck

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Re: Reflection - 350 words
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2019, 08:58:35 PM »
We live in a society where every guy on tv is 6 foot with a 6 pack (and I don't mean the beer!) with perfect hair and skin tone and clothes. Almost everyone on TV is good looking. For a man to NOT eventually feel very, very self conscious would be ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. So again, I say, men will be able to relate as well as women.

Offline leah.anaya

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Re: Reflection - 350 words
« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2019, 01:26:27 AM »
I am not an expert so all I have are some friendly thoughts :)
I relate to his self consciousness, personally.So I'd have to disagree with other opinions that this is boring, because to me I don't feel that is the case. Stretch marks are not a good medical indicator of obesity, but very often they are deemed to be a sign of that very thing. Stretch marks indicate skin being stretched a lot over a short period of time. It says next to nothing about overall size. I have had stretch marks since I was 13 when I was 4'11 and weighed 90 pounds. So I would ignore the comment about the "fatass", because there is really nothing in your writing that says definitively that your subject IS ACTUALLY overweight an not just suffering from self image issues or anorexia. Or bulimia.
Who doesn't look in the mirror and hate what they see? Liars, maybe.
I find your tone is a little flat and emotionless overall, but is that a bad thing? The reality of self esteem issues is a flat, inescapable pit of depression and hate from which there is no escape. Over time you don't notice the hate and depression as much as you do the overall empty feeling inside. So it makes sense to me that your tone is a little emotionless. Over time we become numb.
I think while many men will claim to not struggle from self esteem issues or to not be interested in reading about them, they are turning a blind eye to the reality of the number of men in adulthood AND adolescence who struggle from body image issues but don't feel they are "manly" or accepted if they admit it. Just because they tell your friends they wouldn't read your book doesn't mean they won't read it at home when their friends leave. Your writing displays the bleak plane many people observe themselves from, even MEN.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles. I enjoyed your writing and I'm curious to see how this snapshot fits in the overall theme of your work.
Thanks for posting!
(side note: yes there are a few grammatical errors I see also.)


I don't know how to simply reply to another's comment but this will have to do...I agree that this description made me picture a man with body image issues, not necessarily someone who is significantly obese, particularly given that his dinners were scraped off of his plate into the trash can.  That part makes me think that there is a reason for either the weight he has gained, or the poor image he has of himself.

It could use a little more emotion, which is easy to omit in only 350 words, but would make his struggle more grabbing and would make the reader feel for him.