Author Topic: Sonnet to Despond (edited)  (Read 189 times)

Offline Everyman

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Sonnet to Despond (edited)
« on: November 27, 2018, 04:46:30 PM »
when I reflect how strange is my form
this grotesque and monstrous cartage of bones
with gaping eyes and lolling tongue half torn
as from a wound and 'neath an arse which blows
how wild the tempest in this prideful louse
a resentful fear of life not asked for
whence I live and tarry in this strange house
so made foreign hands for purpose unsure
yet consumed by guilt - a breached tenancy
in spirit churlish, idle with langour
and curse such fate in wretched heresy
aghast, live I, a repentant jailer
of myself - this lodger who never dwells
'less upon the shores of far charnel hells
« Last Edit: November 28, 2018, 06:02:47 AM by Everyman »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sonnet to Despond
« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2018, 04:59:39 PM »

A brave poetic venture, choosing a sonnet. But you are a line short. The rhyme scheme is abab abab but there is no correspondence with 'langour'. The lines are also unmetered which does not a sonnet make, even with words archaic.  I counted 12, 11 and 10 beats in lines 1-3. A sonnet in iambic pentameter can be a devilish thing to torture yourself with, and the content is always going to struggle. Going for a sonnet is a noble way to start but I think free verse will suit you better. 

Offline Everyman

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Re: Sonnet to Despond
« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2018, 05:09:10 PM »
Thanks for your expert advice, Mark. I spent the day reading Shakespeare's sonnets and was so moved by his 29th I thought I'd give it a go. I think it takes a deeper, more sensitive spirit than I possess to write effective poetry. I just can't grasp the technology of poetry. I'll take your advice and stick to free verse, if I dare try again in future.

Thanks again.   

JanTetstone

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Re: Sonnet to Despond
« Reply #3 on: November 27, 2018, 05:34:38 PM »
Beautiful sonnet, Everyman.   





Offline Everyman

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Re: Sonnet to Despond (edited)
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2018, 07:29:23 PM »
Thank you Jan. That means a lot coming from you. I really admire your talent.

JanTetstone

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Re: Sonnet to Despond (edited)
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2018, 08:01:08 PM »
Thank you Jan. That means a lot coming from you. I really admire your talent.

You are welcome Everyman. Thank you for sharing your writing.    jt

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sonnet to Despond
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2018, 04:47:03 PM »
It takes a deeper and more sensitive spirit than i possess to spend the day reading Shakespeare, so you're way ahead there. Writing poetry can be oddly satisfying as a writing experience, serving both writer and reader. I can set you an exercise to practice on, if you like.   

Thanks for your expert advice, Mark. I spent the day reading Shakespeare's sonnets and was so moved by his 29th I thought I'd give it a go. I think it takes a deeper, more sensitive spirit than I possess to write effective poetry. I just can't grasp the technology of poetry. I'll take your advice and stick to free verse, if I dare try again in future.

Thanks again.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sonnet to Despond (edited)
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2018, 04:59:52 PM »

Just read the edit - it's actually quite good, the language is brocaded but that heaviness is counterpointed at a swoop by the poem being a single, grammatically stable, run-on sentence. Clever and original work.
Either you need a comma at the end of the first line (as syntax) or rather adjust the wording in L1&2 to eliminate the grammatical blip there, after that it holds together. I would suggest a full stop at the end, though, and a capital at the beginning, for grammatical consistency and less subtlety, both to highlight your structuring. Nice job.     

Offline Mark T

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Re: Sonnet to Despond (edited)
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2018, 05:55:33 PM »

A good example of good free verse poetry.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=58773.0

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Sonnet to Despond (edited)
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2018, 10:32:48 PM »
Beautifully written.