Author Topic: hello , there  (Read 275 times)

Offline cheseco123

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  • Posts: 1
hello , there
« on: November 20, 2018, 10:45:19 PM »
My love for you is like the ocean, strong and consuming, overpowering every other emotion.
but then your love for me was gone, and i was left with nothing but the ocean, cold and harsh.
yet i remain here, waiting to feel something, anything as strong and consuming as you.
แทงบอลชุด
constructive criticism or any comments are helpful and welcomed, thank you :)

JanTetstone

  • Guest
Re: hello , there
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2018, 11:21:57 PM »
My love for you is like the ocean, strong and consuming, overpowering every other emotion.
but then your love for me was gone, and i was left with nothing but the ocean, cold and harsh.
yet i remain here, waiting to feel something, anything as strong and consuming as you.
แทงบอลชุด
constructive criticism or any comments are helpful and welcomed, thank you :)

Cheseco,  I hope this is helpful.       jt

Consuming

My love for you is like the ocean,
strong and consuming, overpowering
every other emotion.

Your love for me is gone, and I am
left with nothing but the cold and
harsh ocean. . .

Waiting to feel again something,
anything as strong and consuming as
you.

Offline dlp

  • Jr. Member
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  • Posts: 54
Re: hello , there
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2018, 11:40:46 PM »
i like your poem.  there are a lot of rules in  poetry, most you can ignore.  there a few you can't.  number one-you need a title to your poem. it sets the tone/mood.  it draws the reader in.  you can take a word or phrase from your poem, or make one up.  Number two--poetry is a condensed form of language, any word not needed as to go. cut, cut then cut some more. (this is a rule i don't follow)  the third  and the hardest to get is show don't tell. Donít tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.  you can read more about the difference between showing and telling.  The biggest problem with your poem is the lay out.  Jan already address that.

Consuming

My love for you is like the ocean;
strong, consuming- overpowering
every other emotion.

Your love for me is gone,  I am
left with nothing but the cold and
harsh ocean. . .

Waiting to feel  something,
anything as strong and consuming as
you.

Offline LunaStar

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 54
Re: hello , there
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2018, 01:37:57 PM »
Hi Cheseco123,

I love this poem. Your word choice is rich and precise. It paints a picture that is both abstract and concrete. A love that is given but not returned. You used the ocean to describe them both but the reader feels the extreme contrast.

I agree with what the others said concerning format.
But I think it flows better if you broke it up like this instead.

Consuming

My love for you is like the ocean,
strong and consuming,
overpowering
every other emotion...

Your love for me is gone,
and I am left with nothing
but the cold
and harsh ocean. . .

Waiting to feel again
something, anything
as strong and consuming
...as you.