Author Topic: The Last Laugh Joker SI (1107 Words) swearing violence.  (Read 384 times)

Offline Reven

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The Last Laugh Joker SI (1107 Words) swearing violence.
« on: November 18, 2018, 03:00:29 PM »
Chapter 1

Does not own any character from comics or DC property!

Contains violence and swearing.


Pain


That was the first thing he felt waking up, it was Pain with a capital P. His whole body ached in ways that he could barely comprehend it. This was like having the flu, a hangover and a migraine all at once.


What had happened to him when he went to bed last night?


He couldn't Remember.


Fear gripped him as he slowly forced his eyes open and was greeted not with his room but a deep darkness. It took him moments longer to get past the pain to realize he had not even been laying down but was propped up against a brick wall. "Wha?" The words barely made it past my lips before a new wave of pain washed over him.


He could not explain why but instead of screaming or groan in pain. He began to chuckle, he could feel his lips pulling back into a smile and as his pain grew so did his laughter.


"Puddin?" A soft worried voice sounded from the darkness. He could just make out a set of blond Pigtails. They so close he could touch them if he tried.


"You should rest Puddin get some of ya strength back." He reached out to what he assumed was a girl his the limb shaking from the effort. Only to watch as she seemed to flinch back for just a moment, as if expecting him to hit her. He would not lie in this strange situation, he had been tempted to attack, but knew in his current state he'd soon be at her mercy after that.


So he tried to stay calm with who he assumed, drugged and kidnapped him, it was difficult.


Forcing his pained chuckles down he spoke. "Where are we? Who," He trailed off, now that he was in the right mind to notice it, his voice sounded off, and so had his chuckles for that matter. At first he had thought it had been something in his throat, as it was as sore as everything else. Yet he realised this was not the case, he had spoken clearly this time and this woman she sounded familiar, but he could not place where he had heard her voice before.


That accent of her's it really stood out, in his mind the answer was on the tip of his tongue.


"Don't ya remember Puddin? We just got away from B Man and are using the sewers to get into that Arkham City before they seal it off." Her words had caused him to freeze for a few moments, which she had used to nuzzle and kiss his still outstretched hand. If anything, the fact he had not pulled his hand away seemed to encourage her.


He had not cared to much about that though, as her words echoed in his brain over and over again, trapped in a mad loop as he tried to process what she said, and what it could mean for him.


A Joke!


This had to be a Joke! or a prank! It had to be, but some part of whispered, what if it was true? He pulls his hand away from the woman with an angry growl.


"Light! I need light!" Talking brought new pain once more, but he didnt care, he just glared at the woman in front of him, Despite his frustration he could feel his lips pulling back into a smile once more. He could do nothing else.


The blond seemed to panic. "Right Mista J!" Her words did not comfort him in the slightest, as she pulled what he assumed was a flashlight from her bag. As his worry grew he found himself once more chuckling, sound of which seems to frighten the young woman. Despite the pain it caused, he could not find the strength to stop this either.


With a soft click the flashlight came on, and before him was perhaps the most accurate Harley Quin cosplay he'd ever seen.


Holy Shit!


The woman had curves other women would happily kill for. Talk about comic book pretty.


What lustful thoughts he had quickly died a violent death, as that thought settled in and slowly he'd raise his hands into the light while his chuckling gained strength.


Realising deep purple leather gloves covered his hand's, he quickly moved to pull them off.


Chalk white hands greeted him, No No! He refused to accept this!


He started rubbing his hands together trying to rub off whatever paint they put on him. Itl did not matter that he could not feel or see any paint, He still rubbed and rubbed till his hands grew hot, and the pain was unbearable. He chuckled slowly shifted to laughter as he did this, laughter that became more and more crazed by the second, making Harley Fucking Quin the blond psycho bitch herself! Step back in fear but at the same Dutifully kept the light on him.


Eventually he could not find the strength to keep rubbing, and let his hands fall to his side, allowing him to focus on the rest of his body.


There was no denying it, this was not his body. He had been a big guy before this, with wide broad shoulders. Looking down a the dirty pin striped suit he wore, He could not deny just how skinny he was, He felt like a twig compared to what Man he had been.


Eventually His laughter slowly dies off, and he could see the woman, who could be no other than The Infamous Harley Fucking Quin let out a sigh of relief.


Not that it mattered much to him as he felt light-headed, the world starting to wobble.


"Harley?" He asked in tired acceptance, A to wide smile on his lips.


"Yes Mista J?" A hint of worry and fear in her voice.


He could understand really, he was scared himself, and tired really tired. Yet somehow he found the strength to five her a smile.


"I'm going back to sleep now." He almost laughed at her expression. As the stress, the sickness, and his earlier melt down robbed him of what little energy this body had left.


As he closed his eyes and let his body go limp, He could hear the worried cry of Puddin from Harley.


Before he slipped completely into his nightmare fueled wonderland that he knew was coming. He prayed to any god that would listen to let this be the real nightmare. To allow him to wake up in his bad and go on with his life.


For him to not wake again in Gotham's sewers as a Dying Joker.

Thank you for taking a moment to read this I'm aware there are things wrong with it but I'm not sure where so if possible could I get examples of what should be changed or what would sound better ect.

hillwalker3000

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Re: The Last Laugh Joker SI (1107 Words) swearing violence.
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2018, 05:18:24 PM »
Thanks for posting and sharing this with us.

First impressions, it reads like a very rough first draft. Early days yet, but the opening scene is hardly inventive. Starting a story with the main character waking up is such a tired old cliché - it's been done a million times before. Unless him waking up is an integral part of the plot I'd suggest beginning elsewhere. Also being gripped by fear and phrases like 'deep darkness' are hardly original, are they? There are also several grammatical issues that need addressing along the way. I'll comment as I read through so you can see what I mean.

His whole body ached in ways that he could barely comprehend (it).

He couldn't Remember.
Why did you capitalise the word 'remember'?

"Wha?" The words barely made it past my lips before a new wave of pain washed over him.
Me or him? Make your mind up.

He could not explain why but instead of screaming or groaning in pain no need for a new sentence here he began to chuckle. New sentence here He could feel his lips pulling back into a smile and as his pain grew so did his laughter.

He could just make out a set of blond Pigtails.
Again - why capitalise 'pigtails'? You also seem rather fond of the expression 'He could' - it's becoming repetitive.

They (missing word?) so close he could touch them if he tried.

He reached out to what he assumed was a girl his the limb shaking from the effort. Only to watch as she seemed to flinch back for just a moment, as if expecting him to hit her. He would not lie in this strange situation, he had been tempted to attack, but knew in his current state he'd soon be at her mercy after that.

I think what you're trying to tell us is something like this:
The girl flinched as soon as he reached out his arm. His first instinct had been to attack. But he realised until he regained strength he'd be at her mercy as soon as he made his move.
Not great, but you get the idea.

This last paragraph is a mess, unfortunately, and I only needed to skim through the rest to realise it gets worse. Did you read this before pressing the Post button?

You presumably have an interesting story to tell, but this excerpt shows all the signs of a wannabe writer who is in too much of a hurry to bother ensuring their work is readable, or someone who doesn't read a great deal to begin with. You admit that 'there are things wrong with it' but it's difficult to know where to start. Setting the plot aside, it's your standard of writing that's the main problem here.

As a general rule, you should spend 9 hours reading for every hour spent writing. Only by seeing how established writers construct sentences and paragraphs will you begin to understand how to do the same yourself. On this evidence, you haven't yet mastered this basic ability. By all means continue writing if it gives you pleasure, but I suggest you delay sharing it with a wider audience until you have reached a higher level of competence.

Good luck.

H3K

Offline Reven

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Re: The Last Laugh Joker SI (1107 Words) swearing violence.
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2018, 06:18:48 PM »
Thank you! That is exactly what I'm looking for!

I will get right on that!
Your advice was extremely helpful.