Author Topic: Two Birds  (Read 296 times)

Offline indar

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Two Birds
« on: November 15, 2018, 12:08:09 PM »
Two Birds

The giant beak
of a pumpjack
lifts and dips
endlessly.

Someone attached
two hardhats
painted black
to give it eyes.

Below,

in the silvery flood
of a high-tide lagoon
a snowy egret stands
unmoving,

neck at full extension,
body tense,

waiting...
« Last Edit: November 20, 2018, 02:05:11 PM by indar »

Offline Mark T

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2018, 03:13:49 PM »

Modern man is the only unnatural creature in nature. Thanks for this snapshot of a tiny corner of the progress machine, Linda. Enjoyed.

Offline indar

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2018, 03:32:28 PM »
Thanks for the read and comment Mark. Yes--those infernal/eternal (perpetual motion) machines are but one fine symbol of what is going wrong all over the planet.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2018, 03:34:44 PM »

The giant beak
of an oil pumpjack
lifts and dips
endlessly.

I'm wondering what one could do with the above stanza. You have the word egret near the end, and I'm looking to place the word regret as a far-apart internal rhyme and for the tone of the word. So...





Offline indar

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2018, 06:18:46 PM »
good idea---thinking, thinking....

JanTetstone

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2018, 10:06:58 PM »
indar   good write.. showing a clear picture of Progress working against the natural order of things.     jt

Offline indar

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2018, 09:43:34 AM »
Thank you for the read and positive comment, Jan.

JanTetstone

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2018, 02:03:33 PM »
You welcome, indar.               jt

Offline Royal Kumari

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2018, 12:17:54 AM »
Nothing glares in terms of revision. I rather like this poem. I lived near the oil fields in Texas and those pumpjacks really do take on an anthropomorphic quality. The sinister feeling of this type of scene is captured by your juxtaposition of the metaphor to the nature it mimics. Well done.

Wondering if the word oil is necessary or if it can be inferred? Just for a one less syllable and better fluency in that sharp first stanza.

All best,
RK

Offline indar

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2018, 02:03:57 PM »
I sometimes have a hard time trusting the reader to "know things" like the meaning of "pumpjack" but I will take "oil" out.

Thank you RK for the read and thoughtful comments

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2018, 04:54:24 AM »
Color, texture, sounds? I find myself doing too much of your work imaging these birds. The contrasts in playfulness vs predatory nature is a worthy subject.

Antonio
ARM

Offline indar

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2018, 06:33:34 PM »
Thank you Antonio for the read and comments

I agree much of my writing could be more imagist and I'm in awe of those writers that can accomplish what they want to say through "show". Actually it was my intention to contrast the implied blackness of oil with the snowiness of the egret. And again the oil with the silvery lagoon. Deeper than the images is the contrast of the glut of oil being taken by mechanical means with the live bird that must work with intensity and patience to take what it needs. But the "waiting at the end could imply oncoming disaster.

Online Il Penseroso

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2018, 03:16:48 PM »
That's a captivating and rather moving poem. I love egrets. Pumpjacks not so much. Never pictured them as birds, but you are right. They're like giant mechanical birds, pecking, pecking, pecking.

Offline indar

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Re: Two Birds
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2018, 10:28:35 AM »
I love egrets. Pumpjacks not so much.


:) :) Thankyou pen, for the read and positive comment