Author Topic: Reincarnates  (Read 1084 times)

Offline jkalman

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #15 on: November 12, 2018, 07:20:48 PM »
Hi Kim. You have lots of great comments above, so I'll try not to repeat.

Keep an eye on your dialogues. I often find it weird reading non-contradicted dialogue, e.g., "He is an idiot."
One thing you might try when going over your work is to read it out loud to see how it sounds. It becomes quite clear then that someone is more apt to say, "He's an idiot."

The overuse of dialogue tags has been pointed out. You can either simply cut many of them, because it's obvious who's speaking or use actions to convey the speaker.
“We’re going to repeat our memory tests,” he said clicking on the screen of his hand-held gadget.
This can turn into -- He clicked on the screen of his hand-held gadget. "We’re going to repeat our memory tests."

A strange thing I found is that you had people flying into islands and living in planets!

One question -- why is it a prologue and not simply chapter 1? You might want to google - pros and cons of prologues.
I have many times skipped over them and gone straight to chapter one, and I'm not alone in this behaviour.

All in all I think you have an interesting idea and a good ground work in writing mechanics. Keep reading, writing and learning.

« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 07:23:12 PM by jkalman »

Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #16 on: November 12, 2018, 11:12:38 PM »
Thanks Take for your suggestion. I will put them into action as I move on.

Offline Rantideva

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2019, 12:38:28 PM »
That first paragraph was totally confusing.  I had no idea Lene was a person, and at one point, you say "his father" referencing Lene, who is obviously a girl.  And as noted, there needs to be some space between the lines.

I think the writing needs a good edit and then the story can be interesting.