Author Topic: Reincarnates  (Read 1086 times)

Offline Kim Evans

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Reincarnates
« on: November 11, 2018, 12:50:28 PM »
This is the prologue of my space opera novel set in a distance galaxy. Wanted to know what you people think


PROLOGUE
SIX MONTHS AFTER KING’S ASSASSINATION.
Dr. McKenvay had been attending Lene for six months. He had been flown into the private island by her father, Rexer Cise. McKenvay was a famous memory therapist and before being flown into the island, he had just retired from a long and successful career and he couldn’t regret it. He was about to be finished with Lene and be a rich man. Rexer knew how to pay.
Inside Lene’s room, McKenvay woke her up. She had been sleeping for hours.
“How’re you feeling now?” He asked.
“I’m feeling okay, doc,” she said.
“We’re going to repeat our memory tests,” he said clicking on the screen of his hand-held gadget.
“Damn the tests,” Lene said. “Just tell me who I’m supposed to remember that I haven’t yet.”
“If you get the tests right this time,” the doctor said, “we will never do them again. We will be done with your treatment.”
“Okay,” Lene said. "I guess we should start then.”
“I’m going to show you pictures of random people and you’re going to tell who they are,” the doctor said. “You may not know some of them so you shouldn’t be afraid if you can’t recognize them.”
“Must you say that every time we do this?” Lene asked.
“Tell me who this is,” the doctor said holding a picture of a young man named Geft.
“I have told you before that I don’t know who that person is,” Lene said.
“Perfect,” the doctor said smiling. He then held Rexer’s picture. “Who is he?” he asked.
“Come on,” she said. “You still think I can’t recognize my father?”
The doctor went on holding pictures of different people and Lene got all of them right.
“You’re doing very much better than I thought,” he said. He then held up a picture of Dance Fangel. He was a famous host of a celebrity show.
“Who doesn’t know Fangel,” Lene said. “I’m supposed to be watching his show instead of doing these boring tests.”
“I think that is a great idea,” he said. “But your father will talk to you first.”
After McKenvay went out, Rexer entered.
“How’s my baby girl doing?” Rexer greeted closing the door behind him as he entered.
“I’m fine, dad,” Lene said.
“That is right. The doctor says that you’re doing extremely well.”
“He is an idiot,” she said. “He still thinks I can’t recognize you.”
“He’s just doing his job,” Rexer said. “He’s pretty good at it.”
The two talked about random stuff that had been happening around them in the recent past. Then Lene asked a question she had been asking her father without getting a good answer from him for some days now.
“You said you’re going to tell me what happened to me,” she said. “Why did I lose my memory?”
His father thought for some moment. “It wasn’t something serious. You were flying your spaceboat and something happened knocking you out of control and giving you a small accident. But that is not what is important now. We should be celebrating the fact that you have regained most of your memory back. That doesn’t happen every day with cases like yours.”
“How long ago was that?” she asked although not yet convinced with her father’s explanation. “When I lost my memory.”
“Six months ago,” her father said.
After some time, Rexer left the room. Lene took the remote control and turned on the news. A holo-image was projected from the news hologram besides a reporter who was narrating something.
“Six months after the king was assassinated,” the reporter said, “the Nebrix League of Planets Intelligence Agency haven’t yet found any motive behind the killer’s action. But the common speculation among behavioral experts is that the killer could have been psychotic due to the Naturalists’ brainwashing. Meanwhile, the galaxy is still in a legal crisis trying to find the right heir to the throne due to the late king’s lack of a son and disagreement among other relatives traditionally entitled to the throne. Legal experts say that it could take us some years before we have our next official king.”
Lene was shocked. The king had been assassinated six months ago and she hadn’t known anything about it yet. Much must have passed her by.
But the king’s killer picture in the news hologram was familiar to her. Dr. McKenvay had been asking her who the person was. She couldn’t remember seeing him before.
 
McKenvay and Rexer were watching the sea from top of a cliff. The tides seemed stronger that day.
“You’re a pro,” Rexer said. “She has forgotten everything we wanted her to forget.”
“It’s what I have been doing all my life,” McKenvay said.
“Now she will never know that she used to love the man who killed the king, or that her mother was killed before her eyes.”
“That’s if nobody reminds her,” McKenvay said. “And even if they do, I doubt if she will even believe them.”
“Of course I will never tell her and that son of a bitch she used to love died after killing the king,” Rexer said. “Nobody else knows about it, right?”
“Just the two of us,” McKenvay said. “And you can count on me to keep this secret.”
“I think our business is done then,” Rexer said with a sense finality. There was something to his tone that McKenvay didn’t understand. He was about to ask him when he saw Rexer pointing a gun at him.
“What are you doing, Rexer?” he asked.
“What happens in this island remains in this island,” Rexer said.
“I assure you that nobody will ever know anything about this from me,” McKenvay pleaded desperately.
Rexer cocked his gun and McKenvay became more scared.
“Please…” he begged.
Rexer pulled the trigger. Seconds later, he watched as the doctor’s body hit the tides below.

It was six months since Geft had killed the king and he was still on the run. He was moving from one small town to another in planet Belb surviving on the little cash that he had robbed from random people at night. The galaxy knew that he was dead and he wanted it to remain that way. Moving from one small town to another made sure that nobody knew him long enough to start asking questions.
Now he was in a small town called Ntero. The town was at the middle of Nevea Jungle in planet Belb and its people seemed somehow very much disconnected from the rest of the galaxy. For the few days that  Geft had stayed there, he hadn’t heard anybody discussing about the king’s assassination. In other towns, he always had been hearing it being discussed by random drunkards in some bar most of the times in admiration of the man who did it.
 
Geft had exploded his way out of the Palatial Spacejet after killing the king just as he had planned. His exit had coincided with the explosion of the bomb he had set inside the jet to destroy it. After travelling thousands of kilometers from the desert above which he had killed the king, he had set another bomb inside the Eagle, the king’s invisible spaceboat that he had used to kill all of his fellow king’s bodyguards and escape, and he had exploded it above the Difeno Sea. If nobody ever saw it again, they were going to continue assuming that it exploded together with him inside the jet. He had then stolen another spaceboat from a float-parking in a nearby town and used it to travel to planet Belb. His mission was to remain dead forever.
He hadn’t talked to Lene since to know if the Naturalists had released her alive or not. But he hoped that they had. The Naturalists, which was an anti-technological progress terrorist group, had kidnapped his fiancé Lene and they had used her to make him kill the king few months after becoming one of his bodyguards. The group assassinated the king because he had failed to stop a bio-cybernation project, called The Master, which they argued was aimed to turn the humans of the galaxy into machines.  Geft hadn’t contacted Lene yet because he couldn’t afford to drag her into his current hectic life. But after the galaxy forgot all about him permanently, maybe after some years, he hoped they were going to meet again.
Geft and Lene’s story had started when he had been working for her father Rexer Cise. Her father was a top Nebrix League of Planets bureaucrat who worked in the League’s intelligence department. Geft suspected that he was the one who had pulled strings to have him accepted in the king’s security team. He didn’t know if Rexer would ever understand why he had done what he had done for his daughter.
Geft had also learned that his mother had died just after the picture of him had started circulating in the news with a king’s killer tag on it. She always had been diabetic and hadn't had much to live for except to see Geft prosper. Though she had adopted him, Geft didn’t believe he would likely have gotten more love from his real mother, who he never got to meet or know anything about, than he got from her. He still felt guilty for not having accounted for the fact that she couldn’t survive him being the greatest villain in the galaxy after he killed the king. He mourned her for weeks.
To cover up for his identity, Geft had been frequently wearing a fake beard flecked with grey hair and an old-school hat. That way he looked much older than the face that was circulating in the media.

Since arriving in Ntero, he had been staying inside a hotel room during the day and went out for a drink during the night. He therefore hadn’t met many folks in the town yet.
But Ntero was one of those towns that Geft could settle in for some time. Its disconnection from the rest of the galaxy made it hard for any of its dwellers to ever connect the dots. He could make some friendships in it and start a new life. But he needed some daytime activities to do that effectively and without suspicion. His cash was also running out and he needed to find a way to start making more.

Geft started touring the Nevea jungle in the late morning hours as one of his day time activities. More than anything, he knew he needed to plan his next several moves ahead of time and the jungle allowed him to do that without interruptions.
But on his third day in the jungle, a strange thing happened.
Geft had parked his spaceboat on one of the hills in the jungle. He was site-seeing the scenic features of the jungle from the hill when three spaceboats suddenly sped from a thick forest of trees just below him towards where he was. Before he could get back to his airboat, five guns were already being pointed at him. They were six men but one of them wasn’t pointing a gun at him. He seemed to be the one in command. He wore black leather pants and jacket and a pair of black sunglasses.
“Don’t worry,” the man said gesturing at his men to drop the guns. “My name is Dana Mecose and I’m not here to arrest you.”
“Arrest me?” Geft acted shocked. “Why would you want to arrest me?”
“You think you are the only who knows that the king’s killer survived?”
Now Geft was actually scared. “Who are you people?”
“We are a brotherhood but they call us The Outlaws,” the man said. “And I am the leader of the brotherhood.”
“And what do you want?” Geft asked.
“I want to interest you about our existence,” the man said. “We would like you to join us.”
“Join you in doing what?” Geft asked.
“We do what you have been doing since that unusual day and what you will do until you die,” the man said. “We survive.”
“Survive by doing what exactly?” Geft asked.
“Basically we take out people for pay among other dirty but necessary work that the society you used to live in before considers evil. But in our world, it will be all business.”
“So you’re assassins?” Geft asked.
“If that is the word you prefer.”
“And you imagine that I want to spend the rest of my life killing people?”
“It’s not about what you want,” the man said. “It’s about what is necessary.”
“I don’t see how killing people is necessary for me,” Geft said.
“I know you don’t want to be a ‘bad guy’,” the man said. “But none of us wanted to be too.”
“That’s what all killers say,” Geft said.
“And now because you’re one, you know some of them mean it,” the man said. “I know you didn’t want to kill the king.”
“That doesn’t mean I should kill more people now.”
“If you don’t kill people, people are going to kill you.”
“They haven’t done it yet,” Geft said. “They know I’m dead.”
“If we found you,” the man said, “they will too.”
“And joining you will stop them?”
“No,” the man said. “But it will stop them from killing you. We protect each other.”
“I’m sorry I can’t,” Geft said.
“That is exactly what you said when the Naturalists told you that you were going to kill the king, isn't it?” the man said smiling.
Geft didn’t talk anymore. He knew he didn’t have much of a choice.

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2018, 01:56:42 PM »
Welcome to MWC Kim.
Very well written.
It caught my interest right off.

Kim, When posting on MWC boards always check
to  make sure the system didn't eat up the
spaces in your story.         jt
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Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2018, 02:03:15 PM »
Thanks for the feedback. But I didn't get the idea of the system eating spaces of my story. As you said, I am quite new here

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2018, 02:29:31 PM »
Thanks for the feedback. But I didn't get the idea of the system eating spaces of my story. As you said, I am quite new here

Kim When you post your story check to make sure space is between paragraphs....or wherever they're suppose to be.  jt
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

hillwalker3000

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2018, 04:33:18 PM »
Space operas seem to be in fashion on here at the moment. I guess Prologues are a necessary part of the genre, though personally I hate them (as do most publishers). Why not start with Chapter 1?

As for the story - I'll comment as I read through if I may.

Quote
Dr. McKenvay had been attending Lene for six months. He had been flown into the private island by her father, Rexer Cise.

I had to read this a couple of times to figure out who had been flown (the doctor I assume) and who 'her' refers to. It might help if you reword the two opening sentences so there's no ambiguity. It's not a great start when we have to backtrack 22 words into a story.

Quote
McKenvay was a famous memory therapist and before being flown into the island, unnecessary repetition he had just retired from a long and successful career Do we need to know this right now? and he couldn’t regret it. Why? I don't understand this part. He was about to be finished with Lene and be a rich man. Rexer knew how to pay.

So far I'm seeing a lot of superfluous detail. I'm more interested in why Lene needs medical attention than in the doctor's career history.

Quote
Inside Lene’s room, No need for this McKenvay woke her up. She had been sleeping for hours.
“How’re you feeling now?” He he asked.
“I’m feeling okay, doc,” she said. We can figure out who spoke this line since you told us who he addressed the question to.
“We’re going to repeat our memory tests,” he said clicking on the screen of his hand-held gadget.
“Damn the tests,” Lene said. “Just tell me who I’m supposed to remember that I haven’t yet.”
“If you get the tests right this time,” the doctor said, “we will never do them again. We will be done with your treatment.”
“Okay,” Lene said. "I guess we should start then.”
“I’m going to show you pictures of random people and you’re going to tell who they are,” the doctor said. “You may not know some of them so you shouldn’t be afraid if you can’t recognize them.”
“Must you say that every time we do this?” Lene asked.
“Tell me who this is,” the doctor said. . .

There's no need for so many dialogue attributes (he said/she said). It makes the narrative stilted and repetitive. When there are only two people speaking, as long as you separate each speech into separate paragraphs we can usually work out for ourselves who said what.

I didn't quite understand who Geft was or why you named him. Since none of the other faces are identified other than Lene's father, I thought I might have missed something. Other than that, it's not a bad start. But don't feel the need to account for everything your characters do.

Quote
The two talked about random stuff that had been happening around them in the recent past.
This sentence is pointless since it tells us nothing relevant.

Quote
His Her? father thought for some moment. “It wasn’t something serious. You were flying your spaceboat and something happened knocking you out of control and giving you a small accident.
Wow. He makes it sound so inconsequential the girl would have to be stupid to not realise he's lying. I think if he's trying to hide what happened he'd have a better cover story than this.

The next section where Lene learns about the king's assassination didn't ring true. The news item seems to be there to inform the reader rather than the girl since it's likely she's been watching TV for most of her time in hospital.
The only bit of intrigue is that Lene might know the killer's identity. And if that's the case and her father and the doctor wish it to be kept secret, would they allow her access to a news bulletin?

I like the fact that the girl's memory loss is part of a much larger conspiracy, but the dialogue between the doctor and her father is too artificial to take seriously.
 
Quote
“You’re a pro,” Rexer said. “She has forgotten everything we wanted her to forget.”
“It’s what I have been doing all my life,” McKenvay said.
“Now she will never know that she used to love the man who killed the king, or that her mother was killed before her eyes.”

Both characters know all this already, so their conversation is there purely for the benefit of the reader. It's called exposition through dialogue and is a no-no when it comes to writing.
And the murder of the doctor seemed a little too hurried. What was the point of any of this conversation if the father intended to kill the doctor all along?

The second part where we switch to Geft's point of view doesn't read as smoothly. It's very telling, heavy on facts rather like a newspaper report. Some of the phrasing is clunky (almost as if it has been translated into English from a foreign language using Google Translate). It's also repetitive and the pacing is jerky. My advice would be to dispense with the entire section and have something happen following on from the doctor's murder. Any relevant backstory can be woven into the story as the plot unfolds.

You have a great story to tell but somehow you have lost your way after the opening scene because you are trying to cram far too much backstory into a single chapter. Just one opinion - use or lose.

Thanks for sharing.

H3K

Offline BenSolo

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2018, 05:58:12 PM »
Hi Kim,

I think this is a pretty interesting story so far. The scene where Rexer kills McKenvay is very dramatic and adds to Rexer's character. I think you did a great job of giving information about the world through dialogue and action, rather than exposition. H3K thinks that there is some superfluous detail here, but I didn't notice that too much (although I'm a sucker for superfluous details, just see my recent story--I got pretty carried away). My main suggestion is to clean things up a bit. Throughout the story, there are places where an extra comma, or a single word deleted or added, or the reordering of the words in a sentence would make things much easier to read. For example, I had to re-read this sentence
Quote
Basically we take out people for pay among other dirty but necessary work that the society you used to live in before considers evil.
several times before I understood what you were saying. Other than that, great job and I hope we will get to see Chapter 1!

Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2018, 09:17:31 PM »
Thanks for the feedback. But I didn't get the idea of the system eating spaces of my story. As you said, I am quite new here
. Now I get it. Thanks for your help with that

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2018, 09:23:16 PM »
. Now I get it. Thanks for your help with that


You welcome Kim.                        jt
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints

Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2018, 09:29:02 PM »
Space operas seem to be in fashion on here at the moment. I guess Prologues are a necessary part of the genre, though personally I hate them (as do most publishers). Why not start with Chapter 1?

As for the story - I'll comment as I read through if I may.

I had to read this a couple of times to figure out who had been flown (the doctor I assume) and who 'her' refers to. It might help if you reword the two opening sentences so there's no ambiguity. It's not a great start when we have to backtrack 22 words into a story.

So far I'm seeing a lot of superfluous detail. I'm more interested in why Lene needs medical attention than in the doctor's career history.

There's no need for so many dialogue attributes (he said/she said). It makes the narrative stilted and repetitive. When there are only two people speaking, as long as you separate each speech into separate paragraphs we can usually work out for ourselves who said what.

I didn't quite understand who Geft was or why you named him. Since none of the other faces are identified other than Lene's father, I thought I might have missed something. Other than that, it's not a bad start. But don't feel the need to account for everything your characters do.
This sentence is pointless since it tells us nothing relevant.
Wow. He makes it sound so inconsequential the girl would have to be stupid to not realise he's lying. I think if he's trying to hide what happened he'd have a better cover story than this.

The next section where Lene learns about the king's assassination didn't ring true. The news item seems to be there to inform the reader rather than the girl since it's likely she's been watching TV for most of her time in hospital.
The only bit of intrigue is that Lene might know the killer's identity. And if that's the case and her father and the doctor wish it to be kept secret, would they allow her access to a news bulletin?

I like the fact that the girl's memory loss is part of a much larger conspiracy, but the dialogue between the doctor and her father is too artificial to take seriously.
 
Both characters know all this already, so their conversation is there purely for the benefit of the reader. It's called exposition through dialogue and is a no-no when it comes to writing.
And the murder of the doctor seemed a little too hurried. What was the point of any of this conversation if the father intended to kill the doctor all along?

The second part where we switch to Geft's point of view doesn't read as smoothly. It's very telling, heavy on facts rather like a newspaper report. Some of the phrasing is clunky (almost as if it has been translated into English from a foreign language using Google Translate). It's also repetitive and the pacing is jerky. My advice would be to dispense with the entire section and have something happen following on from the doctor's murder. Any relevant backstory can be woven into the story as the plot unfolds.

You have a great story to tell but somehow you have lost your way after the opening scene because you are trying to cram far too much backstory into a single chapter. Just one opinion - use or lose.

Thanks for sharing.

H3K
Thanks very much for your very honest opinion and critique. I will try to smoothen things out and see if it will flow more naturally. I also like the way you commented as you read. Thinks really gave me a perceptive of the questions the readers will be likely to ask. As for use of prologue, I also know they are not very popular but this story needed one for things to work. I think as you read further chapters you will understand

Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2018, 09:29:45 PM »
Space operas seem to be in fashion on here at the moment. I guess Prologues are a necessary part of the genre, though personally I hate them (as do most publishers). Why not start with Chapter 1?

As for the story - I'll comment as I read through if I may.

I had to read this a couple of times to figure out who had been flown (the doctor I assume) and who 'her' refers to. It might help if you reword the two opening sentences so there's no ambiguity. It's not a great start when we have to backtrack 22 words into a story.

So far I'm seeing a lot of superfluous detail. I'm more interested in why Lene needs medical attention than in the doctor's career history.

There's no need for so many dialogue attributes (he said/she said). It makes the narrative stilted and repetitive. When there are only two people speaking, as long as you separate each speech into separate paragraphs we can usually work out for ourselves who said what.

I didn't quite understand who Geft was or why you named him. Since none of the other faces are identified other than Lene's father, I thought I might have missed something. Other than that, it's not a bad start. But don't feel the need to account for everything your characters do.
This sentence is pointless since it tells us nothing relevant.
Wow. He makes it sound so inconsequential the girl would have to be stupid to not realise he's lying. I think if he's trying to hide what happened he'd have a better cover story than this.

The next section where Lene learns about the king's assassination didn't ring true. The news item seems to be there to inform the reader rather than the girl since it's likely she's been watching TV for most of her time in hospital.
The only bit of intrigue is that Lene might know the killer's identity. And if that's the case and her father and the doctor wish it to be kept secret, would they allow her access to a news bulletin?

I like the fact that the girl's memory loss is part of a much larger conspiracy, but the dialogue between the doctor and her father is too artificial to take seriously.
 
Both characters know all this already, so their conversation is there purely for the benefit of the reader. It's called exposition through dialogue and is a no-no when it comes to writing.
And the murder of the doctor seemed a little too hurried. What was the point of any of this conversation if the father intended to kill the doctor all along?

The second part where we switch to Geft's point of view doesn't read as smoothly. It's very telling, heavy on facts rather like a newspaper report. Some of the phrasing is clunky (almost as if it has been translated into English from a foreign language using Google Translate). It's also repetitive and the pacing is jerky. My advice would be to dispense with the entire section and have something happen following on from the doctor's murder. Any relevant backstory can be woven into the story as the plot unfolds.

You have a great story to tell but somehow you have lost your way after the opening scene because you are trying to cram far too much backstory into a single chapter. Just one opinion - use or lose.

Thanks for sharing.

H3K
Thanks very much for your very honest opinion and critique. I will try to smoothen things out and see if it will flow more naturally. I also like the way you commented as you read. Thinks really gave me a perceptive of the questions the readers will be likely to ask. As for use of prologue, I also know they are not very popular but this story needed one for things to work. I think as you read further chapters you will understand

Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2018, 09:39:34 PM »
Hi Kim,

I think this is a pretty interesting story so far. The scene where Rexer kills McKenvay is very dramatic and adds to Rexer's character. I think you did a great job of giving information about the world through dialogue and action, rather than exposition. H3K thinks that there is some superfluous detail here, but I didn't notice that too much (although I'm a sucker for superfluous details, just see my recent story--I got pretty carried away). My main suggestion is to clean things up a bit. Throughout the story, there are places where an extra comma, or a single word deleted or added, or the reordering of the words in a sentence would make things much easier to read. For example, I had to re-read this sentence  several times before I understood what you were saying. Other than that, great job and I hope we will get to see Chapter 1!
Hi too Bensolo. I appreciate your suggestion and the fact that you loved the story! I will polish things up as best as I can. I also appreciate the fact that you are waiting to read chapter one. I will post it here as soon I am done doing some editing

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2018, 11:45:21 PM »
A couple of examples as pointers for when you start to rewrite.


Before he could get back to his airboat, five guns were already being pointed at him. They were six men but one of them wasn’t pointing a gun at him. He seemed to be the one in command. He wore black leather pants and jacket and a pair of black sunglasses.
“Don’t worry,” the man said gesturing at his men to drop the guns. “My name is Dana Mecose and I’m not here to arrest you.”

Men who work with their weapons don't just drop them unless killed or under imminent threat of death.

Under the circumstances you describe they would lower them to their side, or holster them, or sling rifles back across their backs on the strap.

Drop implies just letting go, which I'm sure is not the image you wanted to create.  Word choice is important.  Drop is ambiguous, holster is either a verb or a noun and is specific in either case. 

=====
Quote
“We are a brotherhood but they call us The Outlaws,” the man said. “And I am the leader of the brotherhood.”

The man has previously identified himself as Dana.  To revert to calling him 'the man' can suggest there is another player taking the stage.  Most people would probably read it as you intended, but why run the risk of ambiguity or confusion?

Why is this important?  With words on a page you don't have the conversational opportunity to ask "You know that I mean?"  Nor do you have the visual feedback of a puzzled face, so useful in face to face discussion.

=====

Don't obsess over this kind of thing at first draft stage, but bear it in mind.  It will soon become instinctive to use better choices than just the first handy  phrase that sprang to mind whilst you were in your creative flow ;-)

Gyppo
« Last Edit: November 11, 2018, 11:47:44 PM by Gyppo »
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Kim Evans

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2018, 12:26:32 AM »
Thanks so much Gyppo for your suggestions. I swear I wouldn't have noticed the word choice mistake.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2018, 04:41:50 AM »
You're welcome.
My website is currently having a holiday, but will return like the $6,000,000 man.  Bigger, stronger, etc.

In the meantime, why not take pity on a starving author and visit my book sales page at http://stores.lulu.com/gyppo1

Offline Tak

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Re: Reincarnates
« Reply #14 on: November 12, 2018, 06:36:27 PM »
Hello

I was going to do a line by line, and then do just a part here and there, but I think I'll give an over-all pov.

I believe you should continue. You have a good enough handle on writing to smooth things on your own after you go through the stages of draft.

A few things to consider. As Hillwalker mentioned, you repeat things more so out of bad habit than for effect. A story as it progresses, builds on what's been said prior. Even if a writer uses repetitive phrasing/words, it should build on the story, rather than stall or divert a reader's attention elsewhere.

If this is written off the cuff, then it is a habit you should address. The more you read, edit and write, the easier it is to get away from editing these lil things that shouldn't be, to editing the story. It's worth the work.

had -  you couldn't perfected past that opening any more into the past if you tried. What I'm saying is that once a time frame has been established; be it past/present/future and all their lil cousins, you shouldn't need to re-establish it again until it changes. It slows down the story so very much. If it's that far in the past, what does it have to do with the present moment? Give the reader something, especially at the beginning of the story.

Your main thing are those sentence structures. You always seem to go on a bit further than necessary. It adds words, stalls the story, distracts the reader, mis-directs the focus.  All because of the sentence and how it was put together.

An example:

Quote
“Damn the tests,” Lene said. “Just tell me who I’m supposed to remember that I haven’t yet.”

"Damn the tests, Lene said. "Just tell me who I'm supposed to remember."

Think about what you are trying to show here. I already know with 'I'm supposed to remember'  that she hasn't yet remembered. So there is no need to tell the reader again, make them stop and re-read. The focus is mis-directed away from her demand to know who, and it is placed on something that isn't. 

So when you edit for the next draft. Go over the sentences. Listen to them being read to you(text to voice) programs are out there. Read and listen. They give you two different view points.

Then teach yourself. Write. Edit. repeat

You have all the tools, you just need to sharpen them more.

Tak
« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 06:40:08 PM by Tak »