Author Topic: First poem ever written....feedback please  (Read 116 times)

Offline abfrench

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First poem ever written....feedback please
« on: November 07, 2018, 08:53:36 AM »
Hello, I have below my first poem. If you could please share with me your honest feedback so I know if it is good or not, what I should improve or if I should stop writing.

To me, my lover, you will always be pure,
The beauty of time suits you.
O how the cold wind was hard to endure,
Alas it eases with the start of the morning dew.

At first sight it was an eternal flame,
But now the weight of your love was at a cost;
Nor shall I ask who speaks of thy name.
Why do all such loves become lost?

Like most regrets, they too shall fade.
If it was easy then I would relinquish my pain,
But no sooner than the sharpness of a blade;
No; these tempting thoughts I shall refrain.

So as long as I breathe this numbing air,
So long lives your love for which is rare.

Offline JanTetstone

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Re: First poem ever written....feedback please
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2018, 09:56:27 AM »
Hello, I have below my first poem. If you could please share with me your honest feedback so I know if it is good or not, what I should improve or if I should stop writing.

To me, my lover, you will always be pure,
The beauty of time suits you.
O how the cold wind was hard to endure,
Alas it eases with the start of the morning dew.

At first sight it was an eternal flame,
But now the weight of your love was at a cost;
Nor shall I ask who speaks of thy name.
Why do all such loves become lost?

Like most regrets, they too shall fade.
If it was easy then I would relinquish my pain,
But no sooner than the sharpness of a blade;
No; these tempting thoughts I shall refrain.

So as long as I breathe this numbing air,
So long lives your love for which is rare.

 Very well written  abfrench... Beautiful love poem. All it needs is a title but since its your heart song, I will make no suggestions. Keep writing . . .

Best of luck with your writing.       jt

Offline Mark T

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Re: First poem ever written....feedback please
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2018, 04:03:36 PM »

Hi abfrench. I've moved your sonnet here as it was posted on a prose board.

Welcome to MWC. Please take the time to introduce yourself on the Welcome Board and to familiarize yourself with the posting guidelines. Thanks.
Mark
« Last Edit: November 07, 2018, 04:05:17 PM by Mark T »

Offline dlp

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Re: First poem ever written....feedback please
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2018, 02:12:35 PM »
well if this is your first poem, i can't wait to read more.  Jan is right all poems need a title.  it is an introduction, and sets the mood so to speak.  you can take a line from your poem, or make one up.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2018, 02:15:32 PM by dlp »

Offline indar

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Re: First poem ever written....feedback please
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 05:09:18 PM »
Hello AB

I applaud any writer of poetry and the courage to post the first one. This entry is written in poetic language from a time gone by. I encourage you to look at the writing of contemporary poets as modern language speaks more directly to the contemporary reader. I can tell you worked hard on this piece. Your work will pay off. Poetry is a unique form of expression that becomes more and more satisfying the more one develops one's own "voice". I suggest you rewrite this as if you were looking the one to whom its's addressed right in the eye and imagine saying it straight first, then put it in poetic form using much of that language.

Linda