Author Topic: Shoot  (Read 326 times)

Offline AntonioM

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Shoot
« on: October 28, 2018, 04:47:56 PM »
Take aim
brown eyes, brown hair
kneeling before the altar in prayer, spirit shooting through the roof; Torah, Cabala, Kaddish, Jewish Papa somewhere on the road to heaven, ducking questions about humanity like a Deaconess, Romans 8:18 KJV, oh holy father, glory, have our sins, then,
that prideful night coagulated in warm Florida, glitter and jewels, hands over fists, like those sandy-haired kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.
Why else would you blow their brains out?
ARM

Offline Mark T

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Re: Shoot
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2018, 05:20:10 PM »

Words with the power of hammers... welcome back, ARM.

JanTetstone

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Re: Shoot
« Reply #2 on: October 28, 2018, 05:21:17 PM »
Take aim
brown eyes, brown hair
kneeling before the altar in prayer, spirit shooting through the roof; Torah, Cabala, Kaddish, Jewish Papa somewhere on the road to heaven, ducking questions about humanity like a Deaconess, Romans 8:18 KJV, oh holy father, glory, have our sins, then,
that prideful night coagulated in warm Florida, glitter and jewels, hands over fists, like those sandy-haired kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.
Why else would you blow their brains out?

You have put much emotion into your writing. I understood it better when I broke it down

Shoot

Take aim
brown eyes, brown hair
kneeling before the altar
in prayer, spirit shooting
through the roof;

Torah, Cabala, Kaddish,
Jewish Papa somewhere
on the road to heaven,
ducking questions
about humanity
like a Deaconess,
Romans 8:18 KJV,

oh holy father, glory,
have our sins, then,
that prideful night
coagulated in warm Florida,
glitter and jewels,
hands over fists,
like those sandy-haired
kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.
Why else would you
blow their brains out?


 
Romans 8:18 READS: For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.




« Last Edit: October 28, 2018, 05:30:20 PM by JanTetstone »

Offline dlp

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Re: Shoot
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2018, 09:56:15 PM »
oh holy father, glory, have our sins, then,
that prideful night coagulated in warm Florida, glitter and jewels, hands over fists, like those sandy-haired kindergarten kids--
the holes don't get any bigger.

bit of a run on sentence.

maybe divide it into two.

i really don't know where, because   i don't understand what you are trying to say.

Offline indar

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Re: Shoot
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 05:13:54 PM »
I agree with Mark T: powerful and I wonder why there are no line breaks as suggested by Jan.